It is a fact. When you begin to feel good about yourself and your life, there will always be that certain someone who tries to bring every thing down again. I wonder why some people think they can say anything they want. Especially parents. My mother has one of her fits again. Because she has decided to take on things. She wants to go further, and then decides that I have to do it as well. Those words she can say... I can't understand it. I guess I have come to far into the light, so she has to try to drag me down again. For goodness sake, it is unbelievable. It is her choice to do these thing. Not mine.

But this time it is going to be different. I am not going to allow her to drag me down. I try to observe my feelings. It is not my fault. She managed to make a big deal out of this microphone and the mouse I got from her. Like I made her buy them. Telling me to enjoy being in my own world. She's had enough. All this on two text messages.

A part of me wants to cry, another don't won't her to have the pleasure of hurting me again. I just have to realize that she will always be like this. You know, if I went to London, she would probably tell me that I didn't care about her, only myself... Anything that I like is under attack when it suits her. It is her problem. I have to tell myself that. I want to take back the power. I want to take back the control. It is my life and I choose what I want in it. I am actually feeling that the hurt is turning into anger. I feel angry now.

I am so fed up with that side of her. She always, always try to make me feel bad about something when I don't do what she wants me to do. Then she blabs on about respect!! Now I say, what you give is what you get... I think I am more determined than ever to make this summer great. No matter what happens. I am going to get out of this dump my life has gotten into. I have to concentrate on me. On living my life. And what she doesn't seem to understand, is that I am actually trying to get a life. It is like she is so scared of not being a part of that life, that the only way she unconsciously think she can be part of it is to make me feel miserable, and make me feel bad. I know there is no use in talking to her about it, because she will always twist it around. I can't say to her that she should look at herself before attacking me. I can't say that these things are her battles and not mine. The work that was done on the appartment, and my grandmother. I would do anything to sort out the mess around my grandmother, but she is turning it into so much. And drags me down because I cannot go around thinking about all of it 24/7. And because I don't, she translate it into not caring. And I have to be there and always say the right thing, because if I don't I get these text messages... I felt it coming the moment I heard the phone pep. Here we go, I thought, and lo and behold I was right!!

I am really letting everything come out now. I just want to get it out of my system, turn off the computer and go to bed and read. And be done with this day. I am not going to answer those messages. I know that nothing good will come of it, and it will only make matters worse. It is better to have an argument about not answering that saying something and letting her twist it around... She always does that. I am so looking forward to getting back to working. To be finacially independent again. I think I will rather work my butt off than having these things crushing down on me. But I know it will not end there... There will always be something... If I start to work and am not able to visit her or do things, she will turn that around too. Saying that she was right, I only came to visit her because of the money she would give me. Always making me feel bad about my situation. Always. There is always some kind of twist somewhere along the line. Always something.

You know, I am actually wondering if a comment I had on thursday did the trick. When I said that I was sensing and feeling that I was getting better, that I was getting stronger than ever, made this come. I truly think it did. I actually think she expect me to fix these things for her, take control of the situations she creates... You know, maybe she is right in a way. Maybe I do come for the moneysupport. Because sometimes I feel that is the only support she has given me.

This is turning out to be a rather sad slug:)) I should probably have written it in a journal instead. I will probably maybe delete it later. I am going to bed now)))