II

The past... the sum of what has made me what I am today. I think in many ways I have come to terms with it, but I still have difficulty letting go of what it has done to me. I think that is one of my biggest problems. The insecurity and the feeling of not being good enough, and that I am throwing my life away on meaningless things, that those things I love is meaningless. That is perhaps why I struggle so much with becoming who I was meant to be. That part of me that is great and that part of me that is such a big loser has this enormous gap between them that I have not been able to bridge yet. I still get a little messed up... It's like I am believing that this summer will be a new beginning, but at the same time there is a voice already seeing that at the end of august things will still be the same. Right now that scares me more than writing crappy things. Not trying. I want this more than ever and I am more scared than ever before. I kinda feel like there is no other chance now. That I have used up so much time reliving what I cannot do anything about. That I have stopped myself from being who I was meant to be for too long. It has taken me three years of depression and total lack of energy to come to this point, and I don't ever want to go back there again. Not that deep into total blackness. I want to become my own friend, and not be my worst enemy. I want to accept myself and all the beautiful things I am capable of doing. I want to believe in myself. And not be my past. I want to become my future. I want to become my dream.