The journey has begun. I step unto my path to reveal that magic is real. It is through creation that the river becomes wild and free, floating ever onward. I am not stuck anymore because I will it so. I am free to create every dream I could ever imagine. It is all in the power of the mind. And I take back that power from this day on…

I wonder what I am in denial about... I can't seem to just sit down and write. I just can't not even here. When I don't hear from you at all, I seem to think that there is no point in writing here either. But I did however have a writing date on Friday afternoon at my café. I tried to sit down and write in a third person. Since that worked wonderfully last time I tried it, but it didn't feel too good. But at the same time, I don't feel like being so negative about it either. I think I am trying to figure out what it is that I want to do. And try to build up some sort of routine or something. Today I went for a long walk, and somehow it made me really tired. And just after coming home, my mom called. I haven't spoken to her since January, and she never once asked about me, how I was. Only about that case with her appartment that is going up for some kind of settlement thingy. I just sat there thinking that here we go, all over again. Pretending that everything is as it was before. Well, it's not. It just isn't. She means that I am just going to drop everything because I have a computer. It just made me even more tired and a little disappointed too...

I've started on that earth-colour painting for the third time today. Maybe third times the charm... I haven't done much painting the last weeks. Trying to figure out what it is that I want to say and express I think. It goes for both my writing and painting, because somehow I know I want them to compliment each other, but I haven't gotten the faintest clue how... But I am getting there.

So not much changing really, but yet I am getting there a little day by day. Some days are okay others not. But hey! that's life...:)

The Orb pictures among other

Sometimes I wish that I was hit by lightning, you know... Have one of those light-bulb moments when suddenly everything is as clear as the brightest day. That I just knew what I wanted to do for a project... But nope, it is not coming to me. I try to think about it. And I do write about myself. But I am not getting any closer to finding something I feel really passionate about either writing or painting or drawing. Maybe it is because I don't know where to start at all.

It is so funny how moods can swing... Like from being optimistic to being pessimistic. From feeling okay to not feeling that great at all. My goal for this week is to get down to 31B twice this week... That leaves me three days to get to that goal... If I don't make it tomorrow then I will have two days left... But I have to. If not for anything other than a cup of coffee and a cigarette;) Though I might perhaps just find something... I will have to figure out something sooner or later, hopefully sooner...

Retracing my own time line is one thing, that can be fun, but if it is all I ever get down on paper, I am going to be depressed. Even more than I am now... I need something that can bring me a little hope. A little sign that I am suppose to do that.

Oh by the way... I got an email from Diana Cooper. She has looked at those pictures from Christmas, and she explained them as authentic and asked for permission to use the pictures:)



Masses of angels carrying spirits.



Aspects of Gabriel merged with Uriel and angels of love..

I just remembered when flipping through Angel Inspiration long before Christmas I was drawn to the names of Gabriel and Uriel... Strange... That definitely gives me something to think about... Maybe there is an answer in there somewhere... Felt this strange sensation right now in writing it almost like a pressure against my back and neck and upper arms. It feels warm and cold and tingling... Really strange...

"You need to open up more. Everything is ready and waiting for you to open up. Do not endulge your fears and worries anymore. Give heed to your hopes and dreams instead. Do not dwell too much on what you cannot know. The future is not set no matter what choices you make or have made. There is no right or wrong choice, only opportunities. Remember that a true life is made of hopes and dreams, not fears and worries..."

There is a strange feeling inside of me tonight. Thinking about making choices. Thinking about what I could do as an alternative to what I am doing right now. One step at a time. I think it is draining me not to have a clear path to walk. I don't mean that I want to know everything that is going to happen, but to have a small goal. What would I like to do for the next couple of weeks for example. Tomorrow I have written my Morning Pages for three months. It is strange, but they have become a part of me. I haven't questioned not doing them for weeks now, that I will stop doing them. It is strange how something can become a part of you. Some days I enjoy doing them, other times I don't but I am doing them. I go to bed at a reasonably time now and I am eating breakfast. I am proud of that.

So now I need to do something with a creative goal, but when I try to think about it, everything escapes me. I have done a little research into my own past, see if I can find some memories. I figured that my story is the most important now. I guess I will just push myself a little further every day. And see what happens. Baby steps, righ... Just have to believe that nothing that I think or do is useless. It is all for the sake of something. It's just that figuring what that is can be really tough, but I am getting there. I guess I have to start somewhere... But I am feeling a little hopeful))

Ah, and today I felt a little warmth in the sun again!! That gives a good feeling to a wintercold human being)) I am so looking forward to spring...

Today I found the café that I want to use as my writing-outside-home place. Well at least when it comes to a place where there is coffee. And when it is not weather to be outside and so on... A really nice, small and cosy place where they have used only recycled things. The tables and chairs and plates is old. I was so happy because I really felt that this could be a place where I could come and write in, and it was quiet there during the most of the time I was there today, and it is nearby where I live too)) Very happy about that. Kafé Torgerstuen it is called and I found a picture of the place too.

To think that January 2008 is already history... I thought at least I'd do something today, so I used my pastels:) My finger is a little sore now.

Hopefully I will take a few steps in the right direction the next months. I was up at 6am this morning so I am sort of very tired right now. I will go to bed in a short while and finish the fourth Harry Potter book))

Looking forward to tomorrow)))