Have yourself a merry little christmas

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on,
our troubles will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
And have yourself A merry little Christmas now.

A happy christmas and a brilliantly bright new year with lots of love and great memories to be gathered.

In memory of Anne-Cath Vestly

This woman is one of the things I think about when I think about my childhood. Listen to her voice))) I know you don't understand what they are saying))) She is called the grandmother of the whole of Norway))) She passed away a couple of days ago... She wrote about things that no one else had before, like the father of Aurora that was actually a stay-at-home dad (while studying to be a doctor). And she did it in like the end of the 60s!! And she had the nerve to tell children where they really come from in the 50s))

I feel really sad, but in a good way. It reminds me of how much she and her books meant to me.

Isn't that one of the most beautiful faces you have seen?

Price of Silence

Congratulation to Martti Ahtisaari on the Nobel Peaceprize 2008.

Lovely Tolkien

The first quote down below is of course from the poem about Strider or Aragorn as he is best known. We will be coming to it, but I really like it so I'll post it here.

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
The crownless again shall be king.

We need to remember that not all those who wander are lost...

J.R.R. Tolkien quotes

Some quotes by Tolken:

Not all those who wander are lost.

There is nothing like looking, if you want to find something. You certainly usually find something, if you look, but it is not always quite the something you were after.

It is the job that is never started that takes longest to finish.

The wise speak only of what they know.

You can only come to the morning through the shadows.

Courage is found in unlikely places.

Fair speech may hide a foul heart.

The world is full enough of hurts and mischance without wars to multiply them.

Many that live deserve death. And some that die deserve life. Can you give it to them? Then do not be too eager to deal out death in judgement. For even the very wise cannot see all ends.

The wide world is all about you; you can fence yourselves in, but you cannot forever fence it out.

I wish life was not so short, he thought. Languages take such a time, and so do all the things one wants to know about.

Still round the corner there may wait, a new road or a secret gate.

Paulo Coelho quotes

From the Alchemist:

Wherever your heart is, there you will find your treasure.

You must always know what it is that you want.

Everyone on earth has a treasure that awaits him.

It's the possibility of having a dream come true that makes life interesting.

Don't forget that everything you deal with is only one thing and nothing else.

When we love, we always strive to become better than we are.
When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better too.

There is only one way to learn. It's through action.

The world's greatest lie: At a certain point in our lives we lose control of what's happening to us and our lives become controlled by fate.

Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own.

No matter what he does, every person on earth plays a central role in the history of the world. And normally he doesn't know it.

Life really is generous to those who pursue their destiny.

List of books

1. The Divine Comedy by Dante Alighieri
2. The Odyssey by Homer.
3. The Harry Potter Books by J. K. Rowling.
4. Tao Te Ching
5. Heimskringla by Snorre Sturlasson.
6. The Silmarillion by JRR Tolkien.
7. The Tibetan Book of Living and Dying by Sogyal Ringpoche.
8. The Alchemist by Paulo Coelho.
9. Haugtussa by Arne Garborg.
10. Sverresaga.
11. Older Edda, especially Voluspå and Håvamål.
12. Mahabarata.
13. Dune-series by Frank Herbert.
14. Brand by Henrik Ibsen.
15. Kalevala.
16. Malleus Maleficarum by Heinrich Kramer & Jacob Sprenger.
17. Asbjørnsen & Moe's fairy tales collection.

In the beginning…

We have always had a need to try and understand how the world came to be. The most recent theory is called the Big Bang. A great nebula broke with an unthinkable force and matter was cast all through the universe and in the midst of this was what came to be earth…

Before science took over the wonderment of how, people used storytelling to explain their world’s existence. Today the most prominent mythology in existence says that: “In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And the earth was without form and void; and darkness was upon the deep…” That’s how Genesis begins.

Most mythologies start with a god. The Egyptians said that in the dawn of time Ra created himself. He was alone, and from his saliva, he created the air, Shu, and Tefnut, moisture. When Shu and Tefnut united, Geb and Nut was created – the god of the earth and the goddess of the sky.

In the beginning, the Norse said, there was no earth, no ocean, and no sky. Just Ginnungagap. South of Ginnungagap was the realm of fire, Muspell, with dancing flames. North of Ginnungagap was the realm of ice, Niflheim, cold and covered with snow. Slowly between them, the air got milder and the ice closest to the warmth began to melt and the drops fell onto the giant, Ymir. And from him the worlds of was created.

For the Chinese at the beginning of time everything was chaos. The chaos formed an egg and within this egg was Yin and Yang. The enormous forces within the egg exploded and the heavy matter fell downwards and created the earth and the light floated upwards and became the sky. And in between earth and sky was Pangu, the first living creature.

For the Aborigines the earth was a desolate plain. It was dark. There was no life, no death. The sun, the moon, and all the stars slept underneath the earth where the eternal forbearers also slept, until they tore themselves away from their eternity and broke through the surface. This is the beginning of what the aborigines call the Dreamtime.

The Persians starts with two twins. The wise Ahura Mazda lived in the light, and his twin brother, Angra Mainyu or Ahriman, lived in the dark. Between them there was only air. Ahura Mazda created time, and the world began.

It starts with chaos or darkness, from a word, or from music, from one single divine beginning,from a nebula, from ice, from fire, from a god's sweat or saliva, from an egg... The earth is created in many ways, but they often originate in the different peoples natural surroundings. From what is known...

Lamp post, Aslan and a couple of beavers

Ginger

Your result for What Spice Are You Test...

You are Ginger!

10% Habanero, 0% Sage, 0% Thyme, 40% Ginger, 40% Garlic, 0% Curry, 10% Cinnamon and 0% Oregano!

You are versatile and yet rather erratic!

You can be hot or sweet, it just depends on your mood that day. Sometimes people overlook you and don't give you enough credit for who you are. They try to take advantage of you often, but you aren't one to just sit back and let it happen. When you've had enough you definitely let them know.

You can be a bit moody and have definitive up and down times. It makes being with you a challenge at times, but you have so much personality that being your friend is very much worth the challenge.

You can be very popular, and you don't mind being so. You are more a leader than a follower. You have a wide range of interests and abilities. In your opinion life is too short so you should do as much as you can during your lifetime.

You have your own flair and style, but you still look to see what it trendy.

Take What Spice Are You Test at HelloQuizzy

The flower of contemplation

One of the things I were to do last week, was to buy a flower and contemplate it. This was the lucky flower. Just thought you'd want to know:)

Hatshepsut

I have always been fascinated by the underdog so to speak, in history it is the woman who rise in the positions usually obtained by men. Egypt has seen some women on the throne, Hatshepsut, Cleopatra, Merneith (possibly the 4th pharaoh during the 1. dynasty), and some others.

Hatshepsut reigned in the 18. dynasty, in the period called the New Kingdom. She reigned from 1479 to 1458 B.C. Hatshepsut was the daughter of Tuthmosis I and queen Ahmose, and came to power when her brother and husband, Tuthmosis II died. It was not unheard of that a woman seized the throne, but for most part the tradition was that a dynasty usually ended with a woman. At first it was thought that Hatshepsut only was co-regent with her stepson, Tuthmosis III, but it is now generally accepted that she was in fact considered a pharaoh.

“Then his majesty said to them: "This daughter of mine, Khnumetamun Hatshepsut—may she live!—I have appointed as my successor upon my throne... she shall direct the people in every sphere of the palace; it is she indeed who shall lead you. Obey her words, unite yourselves at her command." The royal nobles, the dignitaries, and the leaders of the people heard this proclamation of the promotion of his daughter, the King of Upper and Lower Egypt, Maatkare—may she live eternally.”

As a woman, it was impossible for her to lead an army and therefore campaign abroad, so she simply didn’t. Her reign is considered in many ways a golden age with prosperity and growth. The most famous of her building project is the temple at Deir el-Bahari, by her architect, Senenmut, in many ways being like Imhotep in importance.

It is impossible to find out a lot about something in one hour, but something interesting is that they think they have identified Hatshepsut's mummy from Tomb KV60. Further testing should make it even more sure.

Your result for What Your Taste in Art Says About You Test...

Balanced, Secure, and Realistic.

11 Impressionist, -8 Islamic, -4 Ukiyo-e, -20 Cubist, -7 Abstract and -5 Renaissance!

Impressionism is a movement in French painting, sometimes called optical realism because of its almost scientific interest in the actual visual experience and effect of light and movement on appearance of objects. Impressionist paintings are balanced, use colored shadows, use pure color, broken brushstrokes, thick paint, and scenes from everyday life or nature.

People that like Impressionist paintings may not alway be what is deemed socially acceptable. They tend to move on their own path without always worrying that it may be offensive to others. They value friendships but because they also value honesty tend to have a few really good friends. They do not, however, like people that are rude and do not appreciate the ideas of others. They are secure enough in themselves that they can listen to the ideas of other people without it affecting their own final decisions. The world for them is not black and white but more in shades of grey and muted colors. They like things to be aestically pleasing, not stark and sharp. There are many ways to view things, and the impresssionist personality views the world from many different aspects. They enjoy life and try to keep a realistic viewpoint of things, but are not very open to new experiences. If they are content in their live they will be more than likely pleased to keep things just the way they are.

Take What Your Taste in Art Says About You Test at HelloQuizzy

I look by Sigbjørn Obstfelder

Translation from Norwegian, Jeg ser

I look at the whitish sky,
I look at the clouds, blue-grey,
I look at the bloodshot sun.

So this is the world.
So this is the planets' home.

A raindrop!

I look at the lofty houses,
I look at a thousand windows,
I look at the far away spires.

So this is Earth.
So this is the home of mankind.

The clouds, blue-grey, are gathering;
the sun's gone away.

I look at the well-dressed gents,
I look at the smiling ladies,
I look at the tired horses.

Now the clouds, blue-grey, thicken.

I look and I look...
I must have come to the wrong planet.
It's so strange here.

I can so see myself sitting here and writing... Sipping a drink and enjoying myself, completely relaxing and just loving life:)

Your result for Howard Gardner's Eight Types of Intelligence Test...

Intrapersonal

"This area has to do with introspective and self-reflective capacities. Those who are strongest in this intelligence are typically introverts and prefer to work alone. They are usually highly self-aware and capable of understanding their own emotions, goals and motivations. They often have an affinity for thought-based pursuits such as philosophy. They learn best when allowed to concentrate on the subject by themselves. There is often a high level of perfectionism associated with this intelligence.

Careers which suit those with this intelligence include philosophers, psychologists, theologians, writers and scientists." (Wikipedia)

Take Howard Gardner's Eight Types of Intelligence Test at HelloQuizzy

Winter is knocking at the door

There you go... The evidence... The first snow has fallen here...

Funny... The same thing happens every single year in Oslo... You would think that people who lives in Norway would expect snow to fall when it gets colder... But na-ah... Every time it is chaos;)) I guess everyone is like me... Trying to block out the coming winter until the evidence is right there outside your window... Only I am not stupid and drive then...

The Passing of the Elves

The Mystic's Dream by Loreena McKennitt

Lady of Baghdad, oil on canvas by William Clarke Wontner, 1900


A clouded dream on an earthly night
Hangs upon the crescent moon
A voiceless song in an ageless light
Sings at the coming dawn
Birds in flight are calling there
Where the heart moves the stones
It's there that my heart is longing
All for the love of you

A painting hangs on an ivy wall
Nestled in the emerald moss
The eyes declare a truce of trust
And then it draws me far away
Where deep in the desert twilight
Sand melts in pools of the sky
When darkness lays her crimson cloak
Your lamps will call me home

And so it's there my homage's due
Clutched by the still of the night
And now I feel you move
Every breath is full
So it's there my homage's due
Clutched by the still of the night
Even the distance feels so near
All for the love of you.


The concert on Saturday was truly amazing. This was the opening song, and one of my favorites. It draws me in and I can easily see stories in the music... Definitely a song that has made it to the Soundtrack

The rainy street... Just for you in your sunny days))) You wished you could be here)) In the cold:)
How does the trees look?...

There was this fireworks today downtown, but I was standing up at Vålerenga kirke which is quite high up so we got some view of it, but not too much, but I got to take a picture with the firework mode on my camera))) One good picture)) I bet it would have been better if I was close by. It was like something cultural night with lots of arrangement all around Oslo. Didn't go to any of them unfortunately. I should probably have gone on a ghost trail or something)) Maybe next year))

Other than that, I went for a coffee with Marianne (she says hi by the way) at the park in the neighbourhood. It's so nice to know someone that lives just a little down the road. No need for transportation or anything to meet up. Just a message on the computer, and voila))) So I've soaked up some sun today))) I've been somewhere like every single day this week))) Oh yeah, and Wanted was well somewhat violent, not just somewhat. It was like bang bang hit hit like 90% of the movie. Not the best movie I've seen, but Angelina Jolie is like the coolest woman ever and James McAvoy is cute as ever)) A very antihero in a way))) And I like the ending)) Something like "I've taken control of my life, what have you done lately?" Funny. But it was kinda messy in every sense of the word)) Bloody, with a rather thin plotline than never really lead to anything, only an excuse to be violent. Could have been so much more, but oh well. Too bad.

The other day I got a nice image while writing:
Image: A wooden cabin in the forest. Small. And when I set into it, there is a table, a chair pull up against it and on that table is a lantern on the left side and on the right, a feather pen and a bottle of ink and in the middle a leather bound book with empty pages. The table is set against a window. It's a writers table. It's my table

Yesterday I thought about how I can perhaps use that if I am getting stuck one day as sort of a meditation. Closing my eyes and picturing myself sitting down at that table and imagining sitting down and writing and seeing what might appear on the blank pages. It is good to keep with me at least. It was a very vivid image.



The cabin was build with this kind of technique (lafting). I guess a little bit of what you can find in stave churches))) It has only one room. One window and the door in the other end. Like one small bed, that table and that's about it...

All I am doing right now, is yawning. Too much fresh air))) Had a walk after seeing the fireworks for about an hour or something. I am going to bed)))

Funny Gwen Stefani... and a Ninja

I think I might be late tonight, and since planning on turning off computer, I will write a few lines just to leave you with something. First a picture:) I haven't compared them yet to see if like 5 days makes any difference))

The other thing is that I feel that finally my creativity is taken serious. I mean, that they can see that it means a lot to me. I got the question, Do you see yourself living off your writing? I was like Yeah, I do. I guess that is a major pluss. It took some time, but better late than never)))

I am getting ready and writing in between. Waiting for my mom to call and say that she is on her way to the train station. And that would mean I had to get out of here, so I best be ready for that call:) Urgh, it is the time of year that I have to have a jacket or I'll freeze to death when the sun goes down, probably is cold already. I guess today shouldn't be too hard. A black jacket I am guessing... Or maybe not... I'll probably rush out and just grab something.

I am thinking that when I get home tonight, I will sit down and write. The cool thing is that I can try to empty myself. Like I don't have to think about not having to go to sleep, because I am not going anywhere tomorrow, but at least write for one hour, anything after that is fine. Maybe (and hopefully) the movie will trigger some thoughts other than how bad the movie was:) Maybe there will be something interesting there... And maybe there is another side to James McAvoy, of course, yes, he is cute as a faun:) Nah, that reminds me in Prince Caspian, when Lucy realizes that many hundred years have past, and she whispers Mr Tumnus... At some point I also think you hear the Narnia Lullaby very faintly in the background...

Oh yeah, I was cruzing the internet sites about the Hobbit a couple of days ago. Really nervous to find out who's going to play Bilbo. And I found a good canditate in one of them, but of course, I do not remember his name now, and don't have time to find out, but remind me later to find out who he is:) There was someone who had suggusted Gerald too:) I think it was for Bard (if he's human:)). Doesn't matter which role, I would so like to see him in Middle-earth))) Viggo is saying that he is on for the role as Aragorn again too))) Which is a relief. Wow, how good would Viggo and Gerald be side by side in Middle-earth:)) That would be like dream come true. Think about that now:) I'll leave you with that pleasant thought)))

I am soooo tired now)) Not used to being social all the time and getting up so early))) It takes its toll)) Hopefully it will get better:) Painting was good. You'll get a look on Saturday:)

I walked home and walked through a botanical garden by the Munch museum. Nice pictures)) I am so sorry, but today will be a picture blog. I am going to bed as fast as possible. Oh yeah, going to the movies tomorrow. Wanted at Colosseum 1:) Yeah, the big theatre)))







Last pictures is me waving to you: Hello:)) I have more picturs for Saturday))) Just to say that I haven't been all productive, and we did promise to do a slug each day))) Can't leave you empty handed))) Take care)))

Just sent an angry email to the tv company that is sending So you think you can dance? All of a sudden they have begun to cutting the show, and dropping out dancers and the group dance... I am to put it mildly pissed:)

Anyways...It's almost impossible to get my head into the mood of writing now. All I can think about is bed. And it's just a quarter past 11! Yes, I have been at pilates and yoga class today, and I walked to and from classes. But it was beautiful sunny weather today, and warm enough for me to go in a t-shirt, so I shouldn't really complain. It has been a good day.

And I managed to write yesterday as well. Eight whole pages.There is a lot about how it feels to sit down to write and how I feel (you know, get rid of the junk), but I thought I would try to bring something else to the paper too. I usually put on my MP3 player when I write. I like getting the music straight into me, so to speak. And I started listening to a song from the first Narnia soundtrack, and I thought, yes, I want to listen to some of the song from that soundtrack, because it had the mood I wanted in a way, so I did. Just to try to get out of the junky talk. I programmed Evacuating London, The Wardrobe, Lucy meets Mr. Tumnus, and From Western Woods to Beaversdam. They conveyed the exact mood I wanted:)

The wonderment of images that float by. I can only accept them. The need to create stories is as strong as it's ever been before. The flickering of my candle puts me in touch with my imagination as does the music I listen to, and the night outside my window.

It's all about the wonderment, about seeing something for the first time and not labelling it. Finding the curiosity that makes each step light and doesn't weight me down. Like wandering through a forest. The tall trees, heavily crowned with leaves that shimmer the light above down on me. It makes me feel happy. Joyous even. Leaving me with a feeling of coming home.

If I close my eyes I can see myself there. I can hear the laughter of children running through the forest, with arms stretched out like they are taking flight. The beauty of innocence, still able to enjoy the simple pleasures of life. It reminds me of how often I want to do the same when I walk among people. How beautiful the clouds are up there high above our heads. Have you looked at the clouds lately? How they are never the same? Look at that particular cloud! It's getting dark and it's almost black. But underneath a faint ruby colour is still visible. In a minute it will be gone. Forgotten. And the sunset. What if it was the last sunset ever? How many would have missed it?

I am thinking about trying the same thing tonight, just to see if I can capture something. Repeat it over and over again (I know I want grow tired of that music no matter how many times I listen:)) You know, I had a little moment of pure joy today:) After the classes, me and Marianne walked down to a cafe and we sat there in the sun, drinking coffee. It felt that for a moment, life stood still. I was in the now, living at that exact moment, no thoughts of past or future, just enjoying that sun in my face. It was nice)))

I am a Skald

I've been out all day with a potential exercise partner. Her name is Marianne and we've hit it off. Must have since we spent almost 6 hours together, talking and laughing and walking. It was really nice. Meeting new people can be a positive experience. But of course, that makes little time for much thinking, which I guess, is a good thing.

I am tired now. You know when you are like burning in your face, but I at least look healthy in a way. Not grey in the face. I think I need sort of like a shift in my mind. I cannot sit at home all day. It just isn't possible. I have to take a deep breath and just change the way I think about how to structure my days. After writing my blog and turning off my computer yesterday, I actually managed to write 7 pages!! And that within an hour! I thought I had gone through five, and was really surprise. I enjoyed every minute of it, feeling the pen moving more freely across the page. Just think that I had problems writing my three morning pages in one hour just 6 months ago. It makes me feel proud)))

I am all for sitting down tonight and see if it goes just as good. Turning off the light, and lighting a candle, putting on some music and just enjoy myself. Unfortunately I haven't been able to do much more than eating:) It has been a lovely day with autumn sun, warm enough to go without a jacket (which is absolutely beautiful in my eyes), hopefully the weather will be lovely tomorrow also))) I know that I am not going to be able to sit for a long time, so the trick is to turn of both the tv and computer at latest at midnight. I am sure I will be able to do so. Ah, listening to Gerry on my MP3... Nice:D Very nice indeed.
Hopefully I will be able to remember a photography of the trees outside tomorrow:)

I did this after I had posted it, and thought that you might like it))) What kind of Viking are you:) Surprise)) I am a Skald... LOL

Your result for The Viking Age Persona Test...

Skald

FOLLOWER - SPIRITUAL - PEACEFUL - EDUCATED

Skalds are the Norse equivalent to bards, or possibly minstrels. They are the ones responsible for over half of what we now know about Scandinavian culture, royalty and mythology today, for they passed down their lore by word of mouth and song from generation to generation until Snorri Sturlusson of Iceland wrote down the Eddas in the 13th century.

Skalds were gifted poets with quick tongues who flattered kings with their art, and occasionally the kings themselves would be known as skalds (or else!). Skalds were highly respected for their wit and intelligence, and in some folklore, they were said to know of events happening in far off lands as they were happening.

Take The Viking Age Persona Test at HelloQuizzy

The trees outside my window project...

It is really autumn now. Look at the leaves on the trees outside my window... Would be nice to see the changes it goes through. If I remember to do it, I think it would be fun to see the changes it goes through... Like a little project... See how the tree changes from day to day...

Ah, I slept in late today. Really late, like criminally late. Thank goodness it was Sunday today, or I would have been in deep ****... It is nice to have a purpose with writing again. Just to decide not to have any specific thing to write is good for me, because I now have to decided to become really, really honest, and just go through the crap to get to the gems. And god knows I have some crap to get through. To actually allow myself to be honest and to dare to really write, not just about how horrible I write and that I really have nothing to write, because we both know that is the worst crap I need to get through. Like cleaning it away from my mind, a little speck of dust at a time. Little by little freeing my pen from the ego, you could say perhaps.

I am going to write for a while before I go to bed, just to sit down and write perhaps for half an hour or something, to see what happens. It is going to be fun. And hopefully I will be up to the task tomorrow, and start all over again. I like it)))))



Here is what I have been painting on today. It looks horribly alike other paintings I have started on. I guess I am going to try to take it to the next level. Don't know what it is yet, but maybe tomorrow it will look different... I guess we have to wait and see what happens. I am going to start to take my camera with me Wednesdays. I like to record the processes my paintings go through. Good reminder.

Some news: I have started a paintclass on Wednesdays))) From 10am to 2pm, I can paint or do art and have a teacher or maybe more like "guide" there. It was my first time today, and I am sure it will help me on my way.

And on Tuesdays, I am going to have to classes, one pilates and one yoga class. My tummy hurts now:D Which is a good thing. And other various parts of my body:)

Trying to figure out how to cope with a more active life:) *Sigh* Probably won't be too easy)))

Learn to be still...

I think I've come to some kind of conclusion. Before I can do anything that resembles fiction, I think I need to get a free from the blockage I have had for so many years. I don't think my psyche is ready for a fictional novel at all. I think I need to write about what is in front of me first. Or maybe more, make it as simple as possible. I need to learn how to write simple before I can make it complicated. If I don't it will just be a lot of confusing things that makes no sense, not to anybody, maybe not even to me:) I can feel that when I sit down and try to develop the idea I started with. Yes, I know a scene isn't that complicated, but when I try to develop it and put it into a context, I totally block out.

I don't think I am ready to put a name on it at all yet. I think I just need to write. Learn how to describe things around me. Just simply let go of all the boundaries that I have made such a part of my creative life. And when I can sit down and write effortlessly, really, really incorportated it into my daily life, then I think I am ready to write that novel I know I carry around. I am not putting it on any kind of shelf at all, I am just not going to develop it with a context, only write down scenes if I see it, any kind of scene, not making it into a single work or naming it, just writing down whatever it is that I might see when I close my eyes.

LEARN TO BE STILL AND LISTEN TO YOUR INNER VOICE! That is what I want to learn for now. I want to start with five minutes each day perhaps, maybe even less. Maybe just start with getting a sentence for that matter. The baby steps all across my life. No rushing into anything at all just to "let myself down" and not being able to cope with anything and so on, and just end up beating myself down.

I think I need to slowly clear the space for my "new" life, or rather the life I really want to be in versus the life I have now. Now don't get me wrong, I like my life. I like that it is challenging me in ways I wouldn't be without. It makes it a more interesting and deeper life. There are so many things I want to explore and I will do it, I will dare to sit down and write about everything that is in my mind, get through the junk to get to the really good stuff. And I know it is there. So let the unfolding begin I say. And I think I have managed to do yet another good day with just the right amount of contemplation, and some writing too. Like, for example, I wrote for five minutes just trying to let go of the thinking, and I ended up writing about the mystery of life, what does it mean to be alive, to live a life. Not giving any answers, but it is interesting to me. I feel I am taking my writing seriously, maybe for the first time, I am feeling determined. I am not trying, I am doing it. (And of course the little devil of the inner critic whispers in my ear right away, telling me that it is just bullshit once again, give it two months and everything is back to "normal". We'll see about that, I say!)

I'm trying to sit down and write, but all I get is emptiness. Nothing comes to mind at all. I guess I need to complain a little bit. Get over the fright so to speak. I wonder how someone who wants to write so bad, gets nothing at all. It's like hitting into a wall, wanting to get to the other side of the wall, but not getting anywhere or anything (except a bump on the head).

I did write my usual journal kind of thing, and I did notice that I was very nasty to myself. I mean not calling myself names, but being on the negative side of myself, not really being there for me. I actually said that it was impossible. Of course I did correct myself, but still... There is a pattern there that I need to break. If not I am not getting anywhere with my life, especially not to the places I want to be. It will always be something that I am chasing after instead of actually believing that it is already here. The power of attraction... If I live with everything being impossible and that everything is going to stay the same, it will.

I don't really believe that I will ever be able to get anything at all onto the paper, anything that will take the form of a novel. That I think is what I think when I sit down to write, I have already given up in a way. It is not good at all. But writing it here, it gives a name to the problem. One name at least, and it sorts of break the spell I guess, because I know the monster now when I see it. And I can't do anything else than to work through it every day. It is what I am going to do first. Work through this, and just see what happens. I guess today have been rather productive even though I don't have anything else than this entry. At least I have looked at a problem and made it into a challenge for myself. And that ain't a bad start at all...

I've had a headache since monday evening, all the way through yesterday and it as only just let go now. Horrific really. I wonder why since there really isn't anything that should make it so. Hopefully that won't happen again anytime soon. A clue that something is wrong: I have gone to bed just past midnight two days in a row and slept for over 10 hours each night... I hope to go back to something more normal. Like getting up around 9 am. And still going to bed around midnight. Oh well, sometimes shit happens, right;) Tomorrow I hope to feel fine again.

Nicky... again, but funny this time

Clouds

Funny that these pictures are taken on the same spot. It just goes to show that nothing ever stays the same, but that doesn't mean that the changing isn't beautiful...:)