Lunchbreak

I'm having my lunchbreak. Finished early today. It was too cold to sit outside so I just figured I would come up here and write a few words. Not that I have much to say though....

I hope you got your essay re-written before handing it in))) Probably not when you had the chance to do it again later on... And now I am thinking about what the heck I can write:) I am in that mood again now. Not knowing what to write at all... My good efforts during the last month of my summer holiday has gone down the drain...:) Not that I have completely stopped writing. I just don't do it everyday and not as much, but I am trying not to let myself forget...




Just found a picture I used when doing a PowerPoint presentation... In the lack of words....:) Remembering the dream of hopefully not so far into the future we will get to see Rome, drink some wine and have a good time there, being really cultural and all))) Would be lovely...

I think I need another cigarette before starting the last two hours of Access... Quite boring indeed, but on Monday I begin with the Web part of the course. That should be interesting))))

Tired

I have to force myself to write this blog. I am physically tired these days. And it is effecting everything in my life. I want to write, I want to paint, but I am too tired to do anything constructive.

Next Wednesday I am going to a yoga class. Well, it is a free try it out. But I am hoping it will be wonderful so I can continue doing it. I guess it is my search for energy and physical well-being. I have lived in my head for so long that I have overlooked the vehicle for all those thoughts for way too long, and I am beginning to see the downside of that way of living now. I mean how can I get a job when I am exhausted all the time. I don't like feeling this way. I have to be able to keep a job and work at my dreams at the same time, not having to sacrifice one for the other. Mentally I am doing great, but being tired all the time takes a toll on the psyche... And if one part of your life isn't good, that is the part that draws all your energy away.

Maybe it is my soul's way of telling me to get to work on that now. And if I don't listen to it, it will be harder and harder to do anything else. I have seen that very clearly the past weeks... I don't have any energy left to do much of anything when I get home. I barely manage to get up in the morning, and when I do it takes all my energy and I struggle all through the day.

Weather and Vincent and some salty water

My goodness how time flies. I can't believe that it is Semptember already! Where did this summer go? Unbelievably sad in a way, but autumn is good too. It's just that it has been raining all summer, and so with autumn here, it kinda feels like we have been cheated out of any warmth before going into winter again... The sun is important because the sunlight gives energy to us that we need... We have had maybe ten days of intense heat in June, when I started the expert course, almost dying in the classroom, and when my summer holiday the bad weather started... Rain rain rain... The only positive thing was that I could stay indoors with a good conscience:)

Oh well, all the talk of the weather just goes to prove that we humans would be completely lost if we didn't have the weather to talk about..........

I've just flushed my nose with salted water. It is a strange sensation I tell you. Somehow, I managed to see something on the instructions that was not there and I ended up getting the first flowing of the water through my mouth... Before I realized that it was rather stupid to cover both nostrils... Really stupid... It does help a little... But it gets blocked quite fast again, but I think if I stick to it, then it will get better and better. I am definitely going to give it a try for a few weeks. It takes a couple of minutes and I love to "breathe the free air again"; if only for a moment.

What a gripping life I do lead eh:)

I am still trying to adjust getting up in the morning. I am so tired!! I can sleep alright, but still I am tired. But I am proud of myself for not oversleeping at all since I started. A couple of times I have had to take a train later (15 minutes), but that only means I get there like a couple of minutes past 9, which is late, but not that late. Acceptably late if you ask me:)

I am wondering when the energy will come:) Seems like it is nowhere to be found. I think I must change my eating habits. I should definitely eat breakfast!! But if I wake up at a quarter to eight and I have to get out the door around 30 minutes later, how do you eat breakfast? I don't... I am starting to go to the school every day now. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, is course days. And Tuesday and Thursday are study days. I have decided to leave my books there and keep everything with computers and studying there, so that when I am home I can do everything that I like to do without feeling bad about not reading. I did it this weekend and it was great, because every time I thought about having to read, I said to myself that I would do it when the weekdays came. I could just relax and try to concentrate on the other things that I wanted to do.

I am still adjusting my life to being busy during the day, and I have not gotten into any kind of rhythm and my writing has suffered for it. But it is not like I have stopped altogether. I am just not writing that much anymore. I have to get everything together, and try to fit it into a somewhat more busy schedule that this summer. But I know it has not disappeared at all.

Still reading/writing about Vincent van Gogh. He too struggled with acceptance from his family (his father being a minister and wanting Vincent to be one as well). He had bad arguments with his father when he became an artist. Vincent actually only worked as a painter for ten years. He went around and didn't know what to do for a long time. He was an art dealer, a student of theology, I think he worked in a school, he worked in a bookstore for a short time, and was bewildered. I haven't read about the year he decided to be an artist yet. But his love of nature and of art was there all along. I think it was just a matter of finding his calling in a way. Just like we are doing still... You know, finding the strength to actually admitting for real that this is the only thing that will make us happy. I am also convinced that he had a manic depressive disorder. He was really depressed at times, then he had these productive periods when he could paint a picture a day! What amazes me the most is how completely different I view him after "getting to know" him a little bit better than just from what the popular "myths" about him says. Like the ear incidence. I have always heard that he cut the piece of his ear off because of a girl, but in fact it was because of Gauguin and his frustration over his stay not being what Vincent wanted it to be. He did send the piece to a girl though))) In a comical and bizarre way, kind of funny:))

I have still a lot to go through with the letters, trying to work as hard as I can with them. Not quite feeling that I have gotten to the bottom of why I was drawn to him yet, but I am getting there. He as a person has become a part of me now, and also him as an artist, maybe not always what he painted but how)) Looking forward to learning even more. Have to remember to re-rent the books before tuesday)))