Lunchbreak

Lunchbreak. It is way too hot now. Feel like I am melting... Like my brain is melting. The room I am in now is overheated. Complain complain complain))) I swore that I would not complain about summer, but I can't help myself. A week ago it was still rather cold. Not wintercold, but there was a coolness in the air even if the sun was out. But now it is tropical:D

Yesterday I bought a notebook that I have dedicated to the summer work. I am planning to use it to write fictional, or at least I am going to try. Write a story like I mentioned in a previous slug. The biographical fictional story. The dream me. I don't know if it will work, but I am keeping an open mind. The first "chapter" I have called The Doorway between the Known and the Unknown. I am going to try to sum up a little bit about life and talk about the past. I still think the door is the past and the lock is a symbol of letting the past be what it is and unlocking the door might mean that I will stay in the past. I think it means that I have managed to come to terms with my own past, and maybe without knowing it I have put it behind this door, but I have been unable to walk away with it. Like there is an invisible bond between me and that locked door that no matter what I have wanted, no matter how much I have wanted to move on I have been unable to do that. Until now...

But I still think it is crucial that I honour my past. It is a part of me and it has made me what I am, good or bad. But it doesn't determine my future. Let what needs to die, die peacefully.

I know this part well. I have been here and wandered around in this field for so long. That's why I have to create a gateway into the unknown. I need to explore the unknown. I need to except me for what I am. And not let me scare myself shitless again, at least not let me overcome myself. The battle of the ego against the task that lies ahead. My will has been broken but I am putting it back together again, bit by bit. And I am doing it with care this time. No half measures. This time it is for real. I have put my life on hold for the last time. No more...

It sometimes feel like I have gotten rid of a lot of weight. I feel so much lighter, so much more hopeful. There are still some burdens left. I still can feel blue and I will never get rid of my melancholy (tungsinn:). It is a natural part of me, and it is also highly creative. And I find it somewhat romantic too)))) I think we all have those times in our lives when we feel a little sad, but the key is not to be overcome with grief. And to use the sadness for what it is worth, be creative and not sad.

I was thinking about how much "stuff" I would have if I had a printer attached to my brain:) The way my mind works sometimes is funny. The stories that I make up are out there somewhere. I sometimes have to stop myself and pull myself back to reality. It is too funny. Especially when I worry about something; I can blow it completely out of proportions. It's like Bridget Jones and her constant battle with those extra pounds:D She hears people talking about her on the train station and the speaker voice talking about her and so on. Only I get a visual image of things happening. A comment can turn into war world III basically:)) Well, I haven't begun a war just get.....:) I guess I have pulled myself back before that happens...:D Anyways, it would have been fun to make notes on everything that is going on inside my head at times... Maybe I have to get used to using my imagination from now on. I known that I have it, but perhaps I don't know how to use it well. I guess one of the reasons I feel like it starts with me is that I always make up stories where I am involved in the different situations. So instead of fighting that, I am going to try and use it. To see where it leads. I will meet characters and things on that journey that I might use for later. That is kinda what my intention is. To take the path down the imagination.

Class begins again:)