I am ready

Today I will start my summer's body of work. I will make my way through disbelief and doubt, and come victorous on the other side. It is all about the search. I think sometimes I get too distracted with the goal of doing art and writing, that sometimes the process and the road is lost and then I get all confused and frustrated and then I often enough give up. I am beyond giving up now. I don't want to worry about what has not happened yet, and get my focus right. Take the chance of letting myself fall into the depth of the imagination and creativity.

I want to play around with words. Find the big words and the small ones in between. I want to explore the sacred realms of my world, hunt for some meaning of everything that has happened. I want to give colours to a white canvas, shape them into the images of my heart. I want to let my heart take flight and free myself of my fear. I want to become more of myself. I want to feel inspiration fill me up within, and may it be so clear and strong that I can no longer ignore it. May I get a little closer in finding my purpose. May I find my secret longings and find the true heart that is required by the Seeker of the Grail. May I wander into the lands in the mist and venture from there with treasure beyond measure of gold and money.

The colours are blue and green.
The words are sacred femininity.
The Warrior and the Priestess melting together.
The Earth and the Heavens.
The balance between mind and spirit.
We are one, the warrior and the priestess...

I am feeling a warmth in my heart and stomach. Like if I only let go a little everything will shift and the thick fog will become a little lighter and I will see more clearly. My third eye will spring open like a lotus flower. The light will become more brightly and I will know. The angels are here. I found a white feather in my bed today. A sign that my guardian angel is here supporting me. And that where I am going today is on the right path. Now I am ready to step out on the path, I am ready to become the ring-bearer. I am ready.

I have had a reaction tonight, feeling restless, angry and bewildered all at one time. I should be getting to sleep, but I don't feel tired and yet I am exhausted. I really would love to speak to you. Don't want to post anything about it. It is for the private sphere:)

I am determined to try to get something done this summer. I hope we can have some conversations through it. Have our own Inkling meetings. We need to support each other and encourage each other. At least I would love that. Share our experiences and talk things through perhaps. So we don't lose ourselves completely. It would be lovely if we both had a body of work at the end of summer. Something to show for in a way. I don't mean working on something together. I don't think it is time for that just yet. We need to find our own voices before we even try that again. But creating a forum would be lovely. I certainly need all the support I can get:)

As you may see I have done some changes. Made it more Luthien:)

So much for the long slug I promised you, ah. But it is like I said to you. I don't want to say anything here. So I hope we can talk soon...

Didn't have the time to write a slug within the date of yesterday, but I still haven't gone to bed so it is sort of the same day. At least it will have to go for today. I should go to bed now, especially if I am ever going to be able to get up and talk to you tomorrow morning.

I have a cat in my lap when writing this. He haven't seen me too much the past two days, and he is almost stepping on me. Lots of catlove coming my way. His head bumping up and giving the best cat cuddles ever:) A little difficult to write though.

I will however try to make up for the poor writing the past days tomorrow. Write a long and "meaningful" slug:D I won't write promise, but I will at least have that in mind when going into tomorrow... That I can promise...

Oh and I passed the test I took today)))) Two more to go now)) And I got that other course, promising me to become a somewhat expert;) Though it might start after the summer holiday so I might have the summer for experimenting a little too))) Getting my "groove" on:))) I am in the "Come what may" mode for now... With everything in my life right now... Something like there's nothing that happens to me that can't make a good story...:)

Shakespeare forever

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date:
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimm'd;
And every fair from fair sometime declines,
By chance or nature's changing course untrimm'd;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade
Nor lose possession of that fair thou owest;
Nor shall Death brag thou wander'st in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou growest:
So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this and this gives life to thee.


I should get Shakespeare up on my wall))) These words are like music to my ears. So beautiful and with stories that can still teach and touch hundreds of years after they were written.

O any thing, of nothing first create!
O heavy lightness! serious vanity!
Mis-shapen chaos of well-seeming forms!

I am going out tonight, and I think I will give myself the assignment of being aware of my surroundings. Just be an observer. I don't know if I will manage to do anything of importance, but you never know. At least I am getting out of the dungeon tonight....:)

New blog

I've started a new blog too))) I've called it Mind and Spirit, and I will post things that has to do with religion, legends and myths there, and things concerning spirituality and such. It will not be things written by me, though I might comment or write something inspired by the slug;)

About writing again:)

Again, I wait until the clock draws near to 23.59 to start writing. One hour left or so when I start writing, but I do write better in the evening and night. It is my creative time.

It is strange that every time I sit down to write I feel empty, like there is nothing at all there. But if I feel closer, reach down into the well, it is like there is some kind of lid over it. I have just barely opened it. And yet every time I try to reach down there, I am stopped by some invisible but soft wall. Like something has put a spell on my creativity, or what I would like to think: maybe the time has not come yet. But that is a lie I think I try to tell myself to make it okay to not do anything. Because one of the journeys I am going on is through words. That I know for sure. I just have to be brave and take a leap of faith. I enjoy writing here. Daring to let the word come has they want to...

It is like a journey, like running in darkened corridors of the mind. Not quite knowing what to expect next, not knowing what is lurking around the next corner. And at the same time, I want to just not find out. I want to sit down, find a safe place, and stay put, not move an inch, not move one single muscle. Just close my eyes and let everything go blank and dark. I don't want to dare to look. Sometimes I want to become numb and just stay outside life itself, and not be engaged in anything at all. That is safe, playing it safe. And it is becoming a coward. I am not a coward. So it is a problem. I don't want the normal things. I like not wanting normal things. I like it and it scares me too.

But what I feel the most is excitement. It wonderful feeling of writing words that makes sense. Kick and scream, cry and laugh, run and fly, love and hate, all the emotions that goes into writing. Yes, I do write best when I write about emotions and feelings and the inner life of either myself or some character-like person. But that is a good thing, because I think maybe people will be more touched by the innerlife rather than what a character is doing. There has to be some emotion that people can say, "Yes, I know how that feels like." Maybe that is why I want to become a writer. Maybe I should start by writing about the inner life of my characters. I can after all re-write the context again and again. There is nothing stopping me but me. I am my worst enemy. I need to get past being scared shitless:)

It is strange how the inner mess start to disappear and with it, it seems like I am getting more control over what I need to do in my flat to create a more cleaner environment for my writing. I am taking it as slow as possible. I have never been fast at anything that has some kind of emotional hook. It will still take some time I think, and not every day is alike. Some are unproductive. But I am getting there. Slowly, but steadily. With changing my life, with my writing and my art work. I do believe that I have something to say to the world, and that there will be people listening when I do dare to speak up. That is what I believe deep down. That is my purpose. To help people find themselves through my words and art work, by inspiring them to become all they can be.

To youth by Nordahl Grieg

Enemies near and by,
threatening your right!
Under a storm of blood -
You have to fight!

Might you then ask in fear,
unarmed and open:
how shall I combat them,
what is my weapon?

Here is your shelter strong,
here is your sword:
faith in mankind,
and in everyone's worth.

For all the future holds,
seek this and tend it.
Die, if you have to, but:
deepen, extend it!

Silent the bullets glide
all through the night.
Use all your strength and love,
stop deadly flight!

War is contempt for life.
Peace is creating.
Add forces to the strife:
death shall be beaten!

Love - and enrich with dreams -
greatness of old!
Challenge unknown terrain -
truth will be told.

Works not yet being built,
stars never seen -
reveal them through rescued lives,
able and keen!

Noble is everyone,
earth, rich and sweet!
Hunger and suffering,
caused by deceit.

Crush it! In life's own name
injustice shall fall.
Light, bread and love and hope,
birthright of all.

Forcing all weapons down,
warfare shall cease!
Sheilding man's dignity
creating true peace.

Who by his right hand's side
carries a burden,
precious and dear to him,
can never murder.

This is our promise,
from kin to kin:
cherish our fragile Earth,
it's ours to win.

We will protect and keep
beauty and grace -
as if we held a child
in tender embrace!

It's all about writing inbetween the nothing

I am in the nothing-to-say-mood. Or maybe I don't know where to start)) I haven't written much in the past weeks, only on the train on my way to the computer course. I don't think it's because I have been uninspired, but that I don't want to write a few lines on something and then start another and end up with getting nothing done... Writing without purpose in a way. I have done that a lot and it never worked, never got my writing anywhere. I love the poems I have written of course. They have meaning. I am throwing away lots and lots of pages that never got anywhere. I have done it. And it didn't work. I need to change the way I work with my writing, my creativity and my imagination.

I like writing slugs though. It gives me the chance to write with some kind of purpose. And there is something nice about knowing that you will read it. And it gives me a chance to shake something of that overthinking that can come in the way of the free flow of words. I know I possess it somewhere deep inside. I guess it has to do with that dream thing. Not writing will keep the dream that I have what it takes still. I am keeping the dream alive instead of making the dream come reality.... So here I sit thinking about a future with writing instead of making that future come true today.

My wall is still rather empty. No new pictures, but I haven't taken anything down either. So "I am a writer" is still up there... Still too small though. I don't know what else to put up there. I should probably sit down and think about how I want my life to be or try to get a clearer idea about it anyway. Something. I guess I sometimes feel a little purposeless... I have to give my life purpose. The only thing I have to do is to figure out what it is. Maybe not for the rest of my life but at least for some years.

We do this a lot. Talk about what we should do, but we never seems to get around to doing something about it. At least I feel that is what I have been doing. The strange thing is that when you start to get a clear view, things start happening faster than we can imagine. That is sometimes just as scary. If we want things to change, it will change. But we need to know how we want it to change. In details. I guess maybe that change is in the details. And if we know that the universe will work with us to make it come true. That is both the positive and the negative. It's like when we say we are stuck. Then we will continue to be stuck because that is what we ask for in a way. There is so many things to consider really... *sigh*))) But in it all, it is quite fun to figure things out. Quite exciting really:)

I heard a lovely sentence in a norwegian film 371/2: "I don't have enough confidence in myself to carry my ambitions." It just caught my attention right now and I thought I would post it. Sort of felt like it had something to do with what we are going through, trying to find our ways to what we really want to do. To finding our callings.

I'm off...

I am off on my little mini break;) Talk to you soon!!

This is one of the boats)))

Take care

Tolkien

Today it was Tolkien's turn to come up on my wall of inspiration. He's there as a symbol of what a writer can be, because of his imagination and also because of what his Middle-earth means to me. The inspiration that lay inside his world.

Well, you know the drill about Tolkien and Middle-earth. He he, I am no longer 33 years... I am 34))) Last year was my hobbit birthday. This year is only a birthday;) The beginning of my 35th year)) Happy birthday to me... Cheers))

Jeanne d'Arc

This is the image that of Jeanne d'Arc that is going up on my wall.

It is sort of an image of the warrior priestess. She is in meditation, but still having the sword with her, beautifully mixing the two sides of Jeanne d'Arc. And thus symbolizing the two sides in me that I cherish: the spiritual side and the warrior side. The Warrior Priestess.

This image speaks to me, and when I will see it I will be remind about the silence that is necessary between battles. There will always be something to fight, maybe not always against, but there will always be one thing or the other. Today, I realized that I don't want to call anything a problem anymore. It is too negative and it can put the image of something that cannot be overcome. I want to think of them as challenges. I have many challenges ahead. So I will meet those challenges head on.

I feel rather joyful today. It is a good way to start my 35th year on this earth, feeling a hint of happiness and not so hopeless. I got a comment today that I looked more relaxed. And I do. I think there will be another glow over me. I am ready for life in the world, and I will make my journey the next months an enjoyable one. I actually feel happy!! Wow))) A wonderful feeling indeed))

I am horrible at perspective!! Ask you crushing teacher for some advice for me will you)))) I could really need some!!

The Wall

I have been thinking about what to do with my wall...



I tried writing: "I am a writer". But it doesn't look like I want it... I think I should try to draw something... I was thinking about maybe finding a picture of Shakespeare and use his image as a symbol...?



There was this list of influential women (both norwegian and historic and from all over the world), and of all on the list I chose Joanne d'Arc. I should find an image of her too... And I should think about why, I guess:) I think it is that she believed in something so strong that she would let nothing stop her. She should symbolize the will to do what you believe in and dream about.

And I should also put a sword there, representing my will.



So should really be Jeanne d'Arc with a sword in her hand then:)

And Shakespeare symbolizing the writer of good eternal stories...



And of course JRR Tolkien. Both as a writer but also as the symbol of using the enormous landscape of the imagination.



I should put up a picture of Gerry. Just because he inspires me;)



And I've already put up this picture, as a symbol of that mysterious space:

Where do I go from here?

I find it hard to keep focus. It is like my mind is flying everywhere and nowhere at all. A little frustrating to say the least.

I am trying to learn how to be more focused, I guess. That is my greatest work the next year. So at the point of next year the week before my birthday, I will see the results or if I have moved from where I am today. I want to grow, I really do, but sometimes I find it really difficult to find the way to make this growth happen. You know, you get really used to the ways in which you live your life, and those ways, no matter how useless, grows into your system in a toxic way. And it is so hard to get out of it. I guess that is what I am feeling today. The remains of the old ways that brought me down... I'll be feeling better tomorrow I am sure:)

I guess it is the creativity that is jumping inside of me. I want to create something. Write something, but it is always slipping away from me. And sitting down to write I would only write anything that I haven't already written. I guess writing a slug is kind of like a substitute for it. Just to get some words down, to make something of today. Even how unimportant it may seem. I have to get better at writing. A foot in the old, and a toe in the new, remember:)) Maybe soon I will have two toes:)

Something quite different... It's a strange feeling when you look at your painting and start filling in the white with colours and the whole picture somehow comes alive before your eyes... And you can see that it is leading somewhere and you see where you can put in the different colours for it to become something... I just got that feeling right now... It is a wonderful feeling.