About writing again:)

Again, I wait until the clock draws near to 23.59 to start writing. One hour left or so when I start writing, but I do write better in the evening and night. It is my creative time.

It is strange that every time I sit down to write I feel empty, like there is nothing at all there. But if I feel closer, reach down into the well, it is like there is some kind of lid over it. I have just barely opened it. And yet every time I try to reach down there, I am stopped by some invisible but soft wall. Like something has put a spell on my creativity, or what I would like to think: maybe the time has not come yet. But that is a lie I think I try to tell myself to make it okay to not do anything. Because one of the journeys I am going on is through words. That I know for sure. I just have to be brave and take a leap of faith. I enjoy writing here. Daring to let the word come has they want to...

It is like a journey, like running in darkened corridors of the mind. Not quite knowing what to expect next, not knowing what is lurking around the next corner. And at the same time, I want to just not find out. I want to sit down, find a safe place, and stay put, not move an inch, not move one single muscle. Just close my eyes and let everything go blank and dark. I don't want to dare to look. Sometimes I want to become numb and just stay outside life itself, and not be engaged in anything at all. That is safe, playing it safe. And it is becoming a coward. I am not a coward. So it is a problem. I don't want the normal things. I like not wanting normal things. I like it and it scares me too.

But what I feel the most is excitement. It wonderful feeling of writing words that makes sense. Kick and scream, cry and laugh, run and fly, love and hate, all the emotions that goes into writing. Yes, I do write best when I write about emotions and feelings and the inner life of either myself or some character-like person. But that is a good thing, because I think maybe people will be more touched by the innerlife rather than what a character is doing. There has to be some emotion that people can say, "Yes, I know how that feels like." Maybe that is why I want to become a writer. Maybe I should start by writing about the inner life of my characters. I can after all re-write the context again and again. There is nothing stopping me but me. I am my worst enemy. I need to get past being scared shitless:)

It is strange how the inner mess start to disappear and with it, it seems like I am getting more control over what I need to do in my flat to create a more cleaner environment for my writing. I am taking it as slow as possible. I have never been fast at anything that has some kind of emotional hook. It will still take some time I think, and not every day is alike. Some are unproductive. But I am getting there. Slowly, but steadily. With changing my life, with my writing and my art work. I do believe that I have something to say to the world, and that there will be people listening when I do dare to speak up. That is what I believe deep down. That is my purpose. To help people find themselves through my words and art work, by inspiring them to become all they can be.