What am I writing

What am I writing... Everything really. I just thought of something funny. Going back to that door of mine. I was thinking that it's like that door has been opened. That before when I sat in front of it, staring it remained closed, but at the moment I decided to turn away it opened up. I have just been writing and writing and writing. Not all day long. I try to write in the morning (to start my day well and with what's important to me) and in the evening. Last night I wrote 5 pages longhand, turning off the computer and everything. Just listening to music and write, not trying to avoid anything at all. It is not suppose to become anything but a forum for me to put down everything, just going with the flow. I am not trying to shape anything into something, just writing freely, maybe for the first time in my entire life. I have done this for a week now and I have already filled about 30 pages of writing:)

One of the most important things I have learned or realized is that I have a lot to say. I will never ever again say that I have nothing to say. Because it is a lie. But realizing that it is a lie is a big step, and so I just continue to write. I go back in my mind if I stop, because there are always something I think about. I am just writing about whatever it might be that I feel like writing. I write about how good it feels to write. And I address the voice that sometimes say that this won't last. I am determined not to let it become a monthly thing, so I prepare myself for the time when I will be having to get up in the morning to go to the course or to work when that time comes. I tell myself that I will always have time for three pages every day, at least. There are no excuses. And I don't make them. I have been tired, not feeling in the mood, but I write. I ask myself questions, and look at the mood I am in. Encouraging myself to continue moving the pen across the paper. And guess what:) I started the whole thing with: "I am here. Showing up at the page." (Or it might be: Here I am.) And it is a really brilliant way to start writing if things feel hard, because it reminds you that you are at the here and now and all that matters is what is happening at the moment, and if I am sad or whatever mood I might be in then I write from that mood. If I ever feel any kind of doubt, I confront it at once.

One of the things I have admitted is that I have had a major writer's block. Everything that has been going on in my life has blocked me up completely. Just let it be what it is (or has been;). I just realized that I had let people in my life take my power away from me. And that I was not in control. So I decided to take back the control. Just like that. It is amazing actually, in many ways I feel like a different person altogether. Of course the work has just begun. There are still many issues to be solved or resolved. But I have found my means to do it. Ha ha. The voice again. It always pops up. Going like Sméagol. "Not listening, not listening." Maybe it is like that. The other voice is my own little Gollum:) Funny:) Never thought of that until now. But I guess it is a little like that. It pops up and tries to tell me that it won't last, that I have never been able to see anything through and that this is no different. The only way to prove the voice wrong, is by continue. Get into routine. Let it become a part of me. And that's where I am now. I am not thinking about what it might become. That only stress me out. Everytime that thought comes into my mind, I tell it that what I am doing now is laying the foundation of every story I will ever write. I will figure out what it is that I want to write, and I use those pages for that. I look at everything I might think or dream during the day. And if I now drift into a daydream I will come back and try to record where I was, and what I was doing. Stuff like that. Because that is where story begins. I will not try to put them all together now. It is not the time for that. It will only stress me more. The most important thing for me at the moment is to write, write and write. Like I am doing now. Just letting the words flow, not try to make any sense of them at all. I will no longer be content with writing I am sad. I want to know why. Go deeper into that emotion. Try to find the roots. Or at least something more than sad. I ask why?

And the best thing is that it is my way. I believe that we must find our own way. In that way this has been a good summer and I am getting a body of work, or perhaps rather a body to work with:) I've already got about 30 pages in one week!! That is something to work with:) I am having fun with it, and look forward to sitting down to write. That is a good change.