A Song of Power

I am a horse running freely across the open landscape.
I am a willow, standing strong against the storm.
I am a forest, deep and vast, filled with secret hiding places.
I am a heart, filled with sadness and longing.
I am a knife that cuts through and finds what is important.
I am a unicorn, innocent and mystical.
I am a river, floating through the deepest parts of me.
I am a painting, eternal and full of meaning.
I am a wolf, searching for company in the twilight.

What am I writing

What am I writing... Everything really. I just thought of something funny. Going back to that door of mine. I was thinking that it's like that door has been opened. That before when I sat in front of it, staring it remained closed, but at the moment I decided to turn away it opened up. I have just been writing and writing and writing. Not all day long. I try to write in the morning (to start my day well and with what's important to me) and in the evening. Last night I wrote 5 pages longhand, turning off the computer and everything. Just listening to music and write, not trying to avoid anything at all. It is not suppose to become anything but a forum for me to put down everything, just going with the flow. I am not trying to shape anything into something, just writing freely, maybe for the first time in my entire life. I have done this for a week now and I have already filled about 30 pages of writing:)

One of the most important things I have learned or realized is that I have a lot to say. I will never ever again say that I have nothing to say. Because it is a lie. But realizing that it is a lie is a big step, and so I just continue to write. I go back in my mind if I stop, because there are always something I think about. I am just writing about whatever it might be that I feel like writing. I write about how good it feels to write. And I address the voice that sometimes say that this won't last. I am determined not to let it become a monthly thing, so I prepare myself for the time when I will be having to get up in the morning to go to the course or to work when that time comes. I tell myself that I will always have time for three pages every day, at least. There are no excuses. And I don't make them. I have been tired, not feeling in the mood, but I write. I ask myself questions, and look at the mood I am in. Encouraging myself to continue moving the pen across the paper. And guess what:) I started the whole thing with: "I am here. Showing up at the page." (Or it might be: Here I am.) And it is a really brilliant way to start writing if things feel hard, because it reminds you that you are at the here and now and all that matters is what is happening at the moment, and if I am sad or whatever mood I might be in then I write from that mood. If I ever feel any kind of doubt, I confront it at once.

One of the things I have admitted is that I have had a major writer's block. Everything that has been going on in my life has blocked me up completely. Just let it be what it is (or has been;). I just realized that I had let people in my life take my power away from me. And that I was not in control. So I decided to take back the control. Just like that. It is amazing actually, in many ways I feel like a different person altogether. Of course the work has just begun. There are still many issues to be solved or resolved. But I have found my means to do it. Ha ha. The voice again. It always pops up. Going like Sméagol. "Not listening, not listening." Maybe it is like that. The other voice is my own little Gollum:) Funny:) Never thought of that until now. But I guess it is a little like that. It pops up and tries to tell me that it won't last, that I have never been able to see anything through and that this is no different. The only way to prove the voice wrong, is by continue. Get into routine. Let it become a part of me. And that's where I am now. I am not thinking about what it might become. That only stress me out. Everytime that thought comes into my mind, I tell it that what I am doing now is laying the foundation of every story I will ever write. I will figure out what it is that I want to write, and I use those pages for that. I look at everything I might think or dream during the day. And if I now drift into a daydream I will come back and try to record where I was, and what I was doing. Stuff like that. Because that is where story begins. I will not try to put them all together now. It is not the time for that. It will only stress me more. The most important thing for me at the moment is to write, write and write. Like I am doing now. Just letting the words flow, not try to make any sense of them at all. I will no longer be content with writing I am sad. I want to know why. Go deeper into that emotion. Try to find the roots. Or at least something more than sad. I ask why?

And the best thing is that it is my way. I believe that we must find our own way. In that way this has been a good summer and I am getting a body of work, or perhaps rather a body to work with:) I've already got about 30 pages in one week!! That is something to work with:) I am having fun with it, and look forward to sitting down to write. That is a good change.

Harry Potter obsessed;)

I haven't written a slug in a while now, but man have I been writing. I don't know what happened. It's like a door has started opening, and I am enjoying it for what it's worth. I am right now, so looking forward to writing at least three pages before going to bed. I am just writing longhand, and I am finding it more easy than ever before. I try not to censor myself at all, just letting everything I feel and think come down onto the page. It is wonderful. And I try to confront the not so nice voice that is telling me it won't last and so forth. For now I am doing well.

I am also in the middle of the last Harry Potter book. I can't put it down!! It's like being obsessed or something. Since Saturday I have read almost 350 pages of the 600... Getting closer and closer to the end, and I will probably be finished soon. All questions soon answered:)

How are you doing? I guess I already know the answer to that. I won't pretend that I understand it.

It's funny... I remember a couple of weeks ago, I was thinking about how I haven't seen John Noble (Denethor;) in anything but The Lord of the Rings. And by coincidence or not, now in the last couple of weeks I have seen him twice. In 24 and in this miniseries Superfire. That is funny. Like that time when I thought about wanting to see Titanic again and two weeks later it was aired on tv... Or last week, I saw The Man in the Iron Mask again. Just after you had written about Jeremy Irons and I mentioned the film... Or thinking about a song and turning on the radio and the song plays... It is strange... Really strange:)

Lightbulb moment delux

I don't know what happened yesterday, but it was something. Something kind of clicked inside of me. I read in the Right to Write, and I just kind of understood that I had so many restrickens when it came to writing. I didn't really write anything because I was always trying to avoid really writing. Julia Cameron wrote about routine and I suddenly realize that it was a key word. Getting some routine in my life. I suddenly wrote three pages last night, and I wrote three pages this morning. Just venting everything and anything. Ideas and all, just letting the pen flow over the paper. No I don't know what to write, because all of a sudden I knew that it was a lie, a bad way to start writing anything. I have a lot to say. And I am going to say it. And it feels wonderful:) Sort of like awakening after a long, long sleep.

It is so easy to fall down into the bottom of the pit. It is a lot of hard work to change the way I think. To start believing in myself again after all the doubt I have experienced. To start believing that I can really make my dreams come true. But it is still a long way to go. I am not stabilized yet.

I know it's not unusual to doubt yourself. Unfortunately, I think many people manifest it in trying to be better than other people, instead of looking within and seeing that you are good enough in what you are. I don't want to fall into that trap. I want to know that everything comes from me, that the foundation stands on solid ground, and that I build the foundation of a solid material that will last throughout my entire life. I have seen what it can do when you doubt yourself. How that person has no eyes going inwards, always outwards and pointing fingers and feeling so sorry for herself.

I don't know... Feels like nothing is making sense. Just emptiness in every word, or so it seems. Like I am repeating myself. Guess I should stop. Tired, headache, having the first day of my period, not getting good sleep, and spend the last six hours sneezing. And now complaining:)

Great masters

I am in awe of how the great masters painted and the pictures they created. Just saw a programme about Rembrandt. It's amazing how his brush strokes make up pictures. How seemingly smears become such beautiful paintings. It is inspiring, and it serves as a reminder of how important it is to study those who came before us. I am truly amazed!!

Sometimes I wish some of these great masters could be woken to life so they could teach me what they knew and tell me about how and why they painted. Like Leonardo da Vinci, Rembrandt, Edvard Munch, Claude Monet, Dante Gabriel Rossi, John William Waterhouse, Turner, van Gogh among others. Would be lovely:) I would love to have a conversation with William Shakespeare too)) Wonder if there is any truth to those people who say that William Shakespeare "lend" his name to someone else... lol... Because they don't believe someone so "regular" could write such wonderful plays:) What is it with these critiques? They must be envious people...

Step onto the road...

Sometimes I feel so old and wornout. I have probably walked to deep into my own misery for the past weeks. Like I am burying myself deeper and deeper, and I can't get out of the shit. I can with hand on heart say that the past month has not been the best. I have felt more alone than I have in months. Not having money to do anything, always counting what I can and cannot buy, not speaking to my mother, not having anyone to talk to, not sleeping well at all, and it's been raining constantly, not much sun at all, cold and miserable. Though there has been a couple of showers worth remembering, like the other day when there was some sunshine and it poured down. That was beautiful...

But mostly everything has been grey. The weather, me and everything I do. Grey...

I think I am in my PMS period:) Everything seems horrible at that time of month. And it seems that it gets stronger when I am a little miserable before it. But hands up. It will pass, as it has before. "Keep the drama on the page," says a Julia Cameron in The Right to Write, and I thought I would try that. Only I am keeping it here. I can't let anything get me down now, even though it still does. *Sigh* It still does...

I will keep reminding myself about this: Life will get better. I will do that and write about it until it gets better. Until the way I write about my life gets different. Writing slugs is my testimony. Somehow it feels a lot easier than writing a journal right now. Nevermind that other people can write about my misery as well:) If they find these pages that is... *lol*

I can see that I do repeat a lot of the same things. But should I care about that? I don't know, it is the writing from my heart. Sometimes it is better than other times. For now what matters is that I write a little everyday, no matter how it feels or how good it is. One day I will look at everything I write, and I will see how it changes, and how much further along I have come...

All this is part of my pilgrimage...

I will make it even if it is against all odds. I have to start cheering for myself:) And I will...

Logic

I sat down just now, and wrote the sentence Human beings are remarkable. And then my mind wondered to the first thing we have on the university, philosophy and in it logic... I wrote:

Human beings are remarkable.
I am a human being
therefore I am remarkable.

It was a little lesson today. I cannot look at the human race without actually including myself:) If other people are remarkable because they are a part of humankind, I cannot forget that it includes me too... A good lesson in giving yourself some credit.

How do you create a world?

The sun will rise on a whole new world. It has been in the dark for so long, dead... A wasteland, only alive in what could be...

The creative flame is burning in a temple deep inside of this world. It is the only place where there is some light, just a tiny little ray of light.

This is the only sign of life. The rest is dead. It is a wasteland. Total wasteland. Darkness reigns.

Dark things hide in the shadows. There are discoveries waiting to be made here. Everything is up to me. I am the seeker. I am the creator. And it is up to me if it will remain a wasteland or if it will turn into a vibrant land, if it will come alive...

I've tried to start this journey so many times. Every time it just falls apart. It seems that I can't access it no matter how hard I try. It is withering away, and that makes me sad. Maybe being a writer is a lonely business, because no matter how you put it, you are alone. Alone with your thoughts and ideas, alone with your imagination. I am going on this journey alone, and it is hard to understand what that feels like. Maybe I haven't come to terms with that just yet. And I am struggling, really struggling with it. Writing is difficult in this time we live in because people are looking at what you have done. And calling yourself a writer means that you have to have something to show for it, and that means having something published. I am beginning to go crazy with this. There is still this invisible wall I hit every time I try to sit down to write.

If the universe is good, then this is just a testing time of some sort. Maybe to see if I want it bad enough. But the question is the same: How do you create a world?

Sometimes I think the world would suffer no loss if I never wrote a single word. But then again, maybe it would. I guess I will know what to write when the day comes... Maybe the waiting and the not knowing is there for a reason still not known to me. That I am just "practicing" my writing skill, making it better, and when the real story emerges I will have practice with my writing. Maybe I am just gathering knowledge, about writing, about story-building, about other stuff that I might use. Then suddenly one day, I will know what to write, and the words will just flow out. Writing this, reminds me of that scene in the mini-series about Ibsen as a young man, in the time before he started on the journey of becoming one of the greatest writer for the theatre. After struggling with different stuff in his life, we see him in a dark room, and the words of what is his first play, Catilina, comes to him. The look on his face at that moment, that's the look I want on my face one day when my first story comes to my mind... Nothing less. Yes, I do think I believe I will write books, but sometimes you have to go around a little bit, find the knowledge that you see and build a strong foundation for your creative work. I think I am building a foundation right now. I cannot believe anything else. Going through my fears and getting my life sorted out. We all have different ways to cope. I know I am not short on words, I just don't know how to build them into a story. Poems yes, novels no... Not yet...

"We become what we think about, all day long."

Love these words by Ralph Waldo Emerson. Sort of makes me think about how we are living. At least how I am living. I think about how I will never be able to write anything. And guess what. I am not writing anything, am I. But how to unlock the secret to living a life I will be proud of? How to I start when I have been living like this for so long? How do I do that?

It is sometimes so difficult to change the way I have been thinking. I fall easily into the old ways. And it doesn't help that people close to you won't let you forget where you came from and who you used to be and then act accordingly. A glimpse of light is easily put out by clouds. There are so many lovely words out there that inspires. And I do believe Emerson's words to bear truth in them. I am what I think all day long. A dreamer. Isn't that all I do? Dream. I never do anything to make those dreams come true at all. Everything I do is procrastinate, put everything in my life on hold, waiting, hoping that one day everything will change. "If only this; if only that..." It is getting tiresome to say the least.

So how do I change the way I think? I guess that is the big question to be left unanswered for now. Simply because I don't know...

Been struggling today with bad allergies. Grass I guess. Suppose to be very much in the air. Sometimes it just feels like it builds up and then burst out into a day of horror:) Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Understandably, I have to look back on an unproductive day. Kinda strange, because the last days I can't really say if it has been allergies or a cold... lol. No way of knowing now.

I wonder why you withdraw completely... Right now it seems like you are disappointed about Friday or something... I guess you're having one of your moods again. Too bad... Hope it doesn't last too long...

Take action

I open myself up to the journey I am taking. I always talk about it as something in the future, something that I am going to do. But the truth of the matter is that I have already started on that journey. The journey of making my dreams come true, the journey of my dreams. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other, and no matter how slow it might seem to me that I am moving along, I am moving along. One day at a time, one hout at a time, one minute... But I am going there little by little.

There is a lot of talk here. But nothing comes from talking but sound. Sometimes even just noise, something that never makes any sense at all... Sometimes there has to be taken action. Like in the global warming and environment crisis. There is a lot of talk, even arguing, about what to do and if it is humans fault, but that will never save the planet. Action will do. I guess the same thing is for me. I can talk all I want about what I want to do, but the only thing that will get me there is if I do something with it. Talking about cleaning doesn't clean my apartment, my actions to actually pick up and sort things out does. The same with writing. I can talk about me wanting to write, but unless I sit down to write, nothing will come of it.

So I will take action. I will not talk, but do...

I will pull out the plugs from any electrical apparatus that I don't use. The mobile charger, the cd player and such... I am through the talk, now I will do it. Take action, save the planet. Answer the call:)

I will write a slug every day, like a diary thingy:)

I will write something that can become something more every day. At least for twenty minutes or more if I have the time.

I will paint and draw, maybe a little every day.

Soon one month has passed us by already. The only thing I am satisfied with is my cleaning. That is looking brighter and brighter. I have cleaned my way through my appartment. I have begun to paint again because of it. I love that I feel that everything is coming together. It is inspiring to see that some things I actually want to do, I do. It gives me hope...:D

The things I love

I love the feeling of a brand new notebook that is just waiting for me to fill it with my dreams and fantasies.

I love the smell of old books.

I love the nightsky, especially the full moon. Or being in a place where there is not any artifical light and watching the starry sky. There are like millions of them that is not visible when you are in an area with lots of streetlights...

I love JRR Tolkien's wonderful Middle-earth and everything therein.

I love to go swimming in the ocean.

I love thunder and lightning, the dark and gloomy clouds that usually follows.

I love rain showers on a hot day; the smell is like nothing else.

I love to do my hair and make it into different stylish hairdos, and getting new things I can decorate it with, like butterflies and other shiny things:)

I love listening to music and seeing the images it brings to my mind.

I love my ice coffee:)

I love books, and the joy of getting a new one...

I love traveling and the feeling of anticipation.

I love to paint, mixing colours and shaping them into images and pictures.

I love realizing something new. Like something about my own life, about something that deepens my beliefs and so on.

I love a lot of other things too. But for now this is my the things I love list. I found it in the last chapter from Writing for my Life that I just sent and I thought I'd do it. And maybe every so often, I will do it again.
What I have learnt from the list is that many of the things I love is attached with some kind of feeling. It is the feeling that they give me that I love... Interesting:)

An idea for London?

He he. Almost a double dose of Gerry today. They are sending The Phantom of the Opera on Swedish television tonight. Almost over. And at the same time I have started a chapter in Medieval Europe 400-1500 on Attila which we know Gerry play some years ago:) Hence the picture... (Funny how I have to watch it even though I own it myself. Like I think have to watch The Fellowship of the Ring on Saturday... I mean why? I can watch the extended version anytime I like... Strange:) Well, of course I grab every chance I have to see Gerry; *kiss*)

Makes me think about movies... We should really try to look at making a script... Or at least laying down plans for ideas that can be developed. What kind of movies would we like to make? It would be a way of planning for London, wouldn't it? We need to have something to "sell" there. And if we are going to work together in the future, we should find out how we can best work together. We cannot keep butting our heads together every time we try to do any kind of work together:) In a way it is good that we know we have the potential to do that, and I think we should use it now to learn how our creative relationship should work. The more we learn now the better it will be when it really count. In London that is. Maybe one branch of our body of work this summer should be a lot of ideas for potential scripts. What do you think? Is it a good idea to work on something like that as a way of planning for London? It would be foolish to not have something wouldn't it. It would kill our spirits faster than lightning if we don't have a clear picture of what we are to do in London. It wouldn't be enough to just be there.

I am looking forward to everything that lies ahead of us. No matter what it is. It is going to be great. We are going to create great and adventurous lives for ourselves. Our writings aren't going to be anything less. I am sure of it. But we can't afford to procrastinate anymore. It is making us go crazy, despairing and restless. What do you say? No more excuses?;)

The Dream......

What inspires me? Everything basically... That is the problem isn't it. I can't decide on what I want to write about. Nothing calls me specifically. I am just going round in circles. Trying to begin something, unable to see it through, see where it leads me. I can't seem to get it together. Now I know, I have to figure out how to get on with it. And I will. I have made progress. I am about to see the cleaning through. That isn't done half-hearted anymore. And I don't think I will start this writing half-hearted either. Like I've maybe done in the past.

I have perhaps not dared to write because I have been after to kill the dream. And by not writing I have kept the dream of becoming a writer alive. Paulo Coelho wrote that in the Zahir, and it so felt familiar. That's what I had been doing. I think I have been writing enough to kinda keep the urge satisfied, but I have not been serious about anything that I put in words. A couple of poems now and then, but for the most part rubbish that it didn't take a lot to throw away, some of it I didn't even bother to read to check if there was an idea there. It wouldn't be. And I don't give it a second thought. I know this time will be different, because now I don't just write to get my "fix". I write because I want it to mean something, to create something bigger something that is a part of something bigger. I am seriously going after my dream. And I dare to see if the dream will be crushed or if it will come alive. I am thinking that it will be. I have to believe it. The dream will come true.

There is no hidden mystery to writing. It is just doing it. The magic is in what you let get through. It is about letting yourself surprise yourself. It's about loving the characters you meet along the way. I have to let them get through, letting them find me, letting them speak. I know one thing. They have to be a little magical:) I can't write mundane stories. I have to let them be a little out of the ordinary. I don't know. All of a sudden all of this paragraph feels like talk, nothing else... I guess I really don't know what I want to say at all. I am totally in the dark with everything. Nothing seems understandable at all. I am totally lost. To tell the truth. I am lost:)

I guess getting unlost is part of the next stage this summer... But how to do that? I have to chew on that one a day or so... But I love that I get a chance to find out. It is really like finding a treasure. I am going on a treasurehunt. Pirate style. What was it that we said again about being pirates... I think it was from our meeting two weeks ago... Do you remember? I only remember that it was something about pirates... Something about being like Jack Sparrow...

"The cleaning stuff"

I am in a strange mood... A couple of days ago I felt that there was no end to the cleaning. And now I see the end... I am filled with a feeling of both joy and horror. I have been having this hanging over my head for so long now that I wonder how I am going to react when it is finally done... What will it feel like? How will I react? It has been sort of like a symbol for the cleaning inside. A symbol of the old way I have lived my life... I don't know how I will react. One thing I am proud of is that I said I do it and I am doing it. That shows a will that is about to be healed.

Of course, cleaning never really ends does it... There is such a thing as maintaining the cleanness;) I guess that's why I find it so incredibly boring. The constant repetition of the same thing... What is fun with that, eh:)

It really is nice to see that all my labour is bearing some kind of fruits. I kind of like it. I have done a little every day and I am seeing that maybe by next week I can see an end to the worst))) I love it and am kinda looking forward to seeing what is on the other side of it...