I think I've come to some kind of conclusion. Before I can do anything that resembles fiction, I think I need to get a free from the blockage I have had for so many years. I don't think my psyche is ready for a fictional novel at all. I think I need to write about what is in front of me first. Or maybe more, make it as simple as possible. I need to learn how to write simple before I can make it complicated. If I don't it will just be a lot of confusing things that makes no sense, not to anybody, maybe not even to me:) I can feel that when I sit down and try to develop the idea I started with. Yes, I know a scene isn't that complicated, but when I try to develop it and put it into a context, I totally block out.
I don't think I am ready to put a name on it at all yet. I think I just need to write. Learn how to describe things around me. Just simply let go of all the boundaries that I have made such a part of my creative life. And when I can sit down and write effortlessly, really, really incorportated it into my daily life, then I think I am ready to write that novel I know I carry around. I am not putting it on any kind of shelf at all, I am just not going to develop it with a context, only write down scenes if I see it, any kind of scene, not making it into a single work or naming it, just writing down whatever it is that I might see when I close my eyes.
LEARN TO BE STILL AND LISTEN TO YOUR INNER VOICE! That is what I want to learn for now. I want to start with five minutes each day perhaps, maybe even less. Maybe just start with getting a sentence for that matter. The baby steps all across my life. No rushing into anything at all just to "let myself down" and not being able to cope with anything and so on, and just end up beating myself down.
I think I need to slowly clear the space for my "new" life, or rather the life I really want to be in versus the life I have now. Now don't get me wrong, I like my life. I like that it is challenging me in ways I wouldn't be without. It makes it a more interesting and deeper life. There are so many things I want to explore and I will do it, I will dare to sit down and write about everything that is in my mind, get through the junk to get to the really good stuff. And I know it is there. So let the unfolding begin I say. And I think I have managed to do yet another good day with just the right amount of contemplation, and some writing too. Like, for example, I wrote for five minutes just trying to let go of the thinking, and I ended up writing about the mystery of life, what does it mean to be alive, to live a life. Not giving any answers, but it is interesting to me. I feel I am taking my writing seriously, maybe for the first time, I am feeling determined. I am not trying, I am doing it. (And of course the little devil of the inner critic whispers in my ear right away, telling me that it is just bullshit once again, give it two months and everything is back to "normal". We'll see about that, I say!)
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Just as a thought: When you cleaned, did it help to do it all in a few days? Do you think it would have been better to do it in small increments?
Every circumstance is different, but I wonder if maybe you need to go full on for something in your writing. To risk, to take the chance, because now is the opportune time for you. . . determined, ready to change, open to change. . .
Maybe you need to dump all the writing stuff out of your brain, sort through it, get rid of some of it, and put the rest out in the places that you want them. Maybe some will go back in your head, maybe others will be rewritten.
I don't know. I had that image, but it's always different--only you can know. :)
I'm wondering how it's going now. . .
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