I get all frustrated and the ideas I might have had seems to just slip away from me. I tense up and feel like I am drowning. My thoughts just wander away from everything, and I start fantasizing about things that doesn't remotely come near to the truth. I almost feel like dying sometimes.
I might start the day with thinking that today will be the day when I sit down and start to ponder upon my ideas, write down memories and stories, both fictional and those things I have experienced myself. But I never get around to doing it. I thought that today I would try the exercise from Writing your Way. And so I sit down and try to looked at how it feels like to sit down and write.
One thing I can say it that my thoughts circle around what I cannot seem to get down to doing. Writing. And now painting as well. I wonder why I am like this? Why I have trouble doing things? Why I crumble up inside and freeze up. One thing is to not believe in yourself, but that isn't merely something you cannot get over. It must be something else, but what? Why is it so hard for me to do this. To find the flow, to dare to express my thoughts, feelings and emotions, my ideas. Is it weakness? Or am I that blocked?
I condemn it before I even start, I think. I sit down and before I have even written anything, I tell myself that this is never going to lead anywhere. And that's exactly what happens. I need a totally change of the way I think about me, my life and what I want to do. I am frustrated because I feel like I am throwing away everything on meaningless stuff, stuff that in the end doesn't matter. And someone's way too early death makes me think... Why am I throwing away my time on these petty little thoughts when I can have it all, have all my dreams come true. But that is one thing. I see that I can have it all, but the problem is that I don't know how to get from A to B. And that is why I always run back to A before I have even tried to even see the B. Now this is getting cryptic.
One thing I do notice when I sit down to write, is once that I do it, I feel alot lighter in my body. I love the feel of my fingers flying across the keyboard. I love that I actually can manage to find the words. It lightens up my mind. And I think why don't I do this every single day if it makes me feel so good? And that's where I am lost for words. It is definitely fear. But what am I afraid of? I think again maybe it is because I am so used to feeling like a failure that I couldn't stand feeling like one again, or maybe it is that I am scared of not being one... Finding out that it was a lie all along and I have thrown away some good years on just crap. But then again, would I be who I am today without the darkness? The darkness of the thoughts that I am never going to be good enough. Will that make me appriciate who I will become even more because I know what it means to live without it?
There is always a choice. Maybe it is the easiest thing in the world once you've taken the choice not to be untrue to yourself anymore. Then it seems like idiotcy not to have made that choice a long time ago. But it is so hard to do something when it takes every last bit of energy that I seem to have. But I've got to push myself from now on or someone else will push me in a direction that I might not want to go. And I know that then I will only continue in this vicious circle and never really get out of it before it is too late.
I have to find a way to mend my heart and find a way to my soul. And maybe writing can help me with that and I am very scared of what I'll find so the easiest thing is to become a blocked writer, a blocked artist. And so I sit here, knowing full well what I should do and I don't. Is it any wonder I am frustrated! I go around in these circles, and I never find any end at all... Round and round and round... Frustrating. So when I sit down to write I feel the frustration and I feel like crying and I feel angry at myself for letting everything get to me. I just feel a little hopeful and hopeless at the same time... Confusion and frustration... Walking in limbo...
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1 comment:
Lots of the same thoughts run through my head, but I agree that the hardest, but the most important thing, is to actually show up. . . to write, to make art, whatever it is. It's your presence that makes all the difference, it's that you're setting aside time.
It's our work to do this, and I think something that holds me back is that I don't feel like I could be successful working as "just" a writer or an artist. There aren't many successful artists, I say.
But I look around and realize it's not so very hard for those who have given so much effort to it. They've shown up, they've pushed themselves through the pain, and forced themselves to work, day after day.
I think it has less to do with anything else than it has to do with self-discipline to show up. To work.
We need to see it as our profession. This is what we do. We are writers and painters and artists. It's not something that is going to come to us in the future. IT's here, right now.
As long as we show up, we enable ourselves to try things we never thought imaginable. Like for me, I never thought I could paint something I actually like! And I can! But it takes a lot of showing up and persistance. When you show up, often you can't resist the force that takes you forward. So showing up is the key.
Anyway, a lot of blah blah. :) I think we tell ourselves that we can't do something too much. You can write, you can break the vicious circle, you can be the successful woman you really are. We both can. But it takes a certain amount of looking at what we have right now and saying, "Okay, so I'm here." And delving in.
And just so you know, this is what's been occurring to me in my own head for myself. Not trying to give you a lecture. :)
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