Blah day

Blah!! Hellish day. Haven't done anything at all after doing my morning pages. And I had such great plans... All I've been doing is staring at the canvas I started yesterday. It is really frustrating. Okay, so I had a sneezing day most of the day, that does not help of course. I might have made it an excuse if it had been today, but I've been like this for the better part of the week. I don't know what it is. It's really not like me. A little voice tells me that maybe this is part of my so-called recovery. That I am slowly and painfully gaining something. That's why maybe the way I have spent my days before is changing. A part of me still holds on to what was, and another smaller part is moving in another direction. Maybe I am in the process of changing. But to be honest, I don't know. I don't think it's depression, though I am feeling a little depressed. Maybe I am PMSing:) I have forgotten when I had my period, but it might be why I am feeling bluish.

I really don't know what to do. Everything in me is yearning for something to occupy my mind, but I can't seem to sit down and do anything. So I play games online, smoke a lot and stare at the canvas unable to put more paint on it. And I am not able to sit down and write anything either. Except for my morning pages. Yes, I do those every day. I actually have been doing them for one month today!! That should be celebrated I guess. I am quite proud of that)) And I will be even prouder when I can say I have been doing them for two month:)

I even had to take a grip on myself to sit down and write a blog. But once I started I find that I have a lot to write. Vent some frustration. I should try to get some sleep and think that tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities, and stop being so hard on myself. I am after all in recovery, right))) I hope we get a chance to talk a little more often after your tests have been done. I could need some cheering up.

You know, it just hit me, that it almost feels like standing on the edge, one part of me want to jump and take a leap of faith, the other is scared shitless. And that makes me feel rather numb, and without any initiative whatsoever. I just curl up at the edge and hope it all will go away. I don't know what it is that I am waiting for. It took me forever to do those 25 things. It seems like there are parts of me that I have buried so deep inside that it is so difficult for me to find them. I guess I should look at this as an adventure as well, the hard parts of the journey, they are worth while too. The process demands small steps and sometimes you stand completely still. Like you're trapped in a small room that barely lets you move. The air gets so thin that it becomes difficult to breath.

Oh well, I guess I just have to wait and see what tomorrow brings really. If it is the same, I will survive that day too. I will just have to try my best to get through it. You'll see, it is probably PMS:) Me completely forgetting my own cycle again... I mean that it makes it seem more depressing than it really is. Sooner or later (sooner I hope) I will find out what is bugging me. It certainly helps to just let it out:) Hope your exam went well!! Take care and hope your essay got finished)))