Why am I afraid?

Clarity is the ability to see the soul in action in the physical world (Gary Zukav). I guess that is what I am afraid of… That I will never be able to use what I have learnt, what I know I know. That I have all these great theories, and that I will never be able to put them into use. That I will stay paralyzed by fear for the rest of my life. By fearing this I will stay paralyzed. I gave Cath the advice of not being afraid, because being afraid wouldn’t lead her anywhere. It is the same with me. With everyone who is afraid. Being afraid paralyze and keep us from being all we can be.

Today I am thinking about change. Where do you start when you want to turn your life around? I feel fed up about feeling bad about my life, not liking being in it. Not liking where it has been going for the past years. And yet I have been unable to do something about it. Probably because I don’t know where I want it to go. All I know is that I want to be creative. But how I want to use my creativity, I don’t know. So I end up not using it at all. I am only creative when it comes to ways to torment myself…

Maybe I am afraid because I feel that I will never be good enough. That nothing I do is good enough. And I am afraid that if I do all I want to do, I will end up losing my dreams completely, and what will I have then? I might as well be dead… I am not afraid of death, but I am afraid that I will die without never even dared to do anything. Sometimes I have this dream that someone will come along, see my talent and give me the chance to develop it… Of course, I know that I have to be that person for myself, but having support is good, and I feel that I don’t have too much of that at all. I have to support myself, but that can be difficult since I sometimes have doubts in myself. Of course, not every day is horrible. But I have to try to look at everything that is pulling me back.

I am afraid that I will keep walking in circles, and never get anywhere. I know I really need to look at what it is that I want to do, and find ways I can take steps in realizing it. I cannot stay afraid for ever. I cannot… I won’t, but how to break the circles of fear…