I know I should try to write something. But it is rather difficult too. Goodness I talked to you until almost 10 am last night (morning for me;). But I got to write that email that I have thought about writing for almost two weeks. That was a good thing.

I haven't really done anything today. Been sleeping late, until 3pm and did my morning pages which was more like afternoon pages, really. I watched the second episode of Jane Eyre. And I have just finished watching Bridget Jones: Edge of Reason. Love those movies... So as you can see I haven't been up to anything much at all... Rather boring day. But I thought at least I should tell you how boring it is... Since it is now approaching 5 am (I don't know how I am ever going to get to bed before 4 am...), I should be off to bed. Going to read a couple of chapters in The Witch of Portobello and maybe have a couple of dreams))) Take care



Couldn't let an opportunity go by... If you don't have anything to say, post a picture)) Be sure to let me know how the decision-making went)))

Easier to run

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken
From deep inside of me
A secret I've kept locked away
No one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show
They never go away
Like moving pictures in my head
For years and years they've played

If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could
Stand up and take the blame I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would

Sometimes I remember
The darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories
I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go
And never looking back
And never moving forward so
There would never be a past

Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
Is so much simpler than change

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Lyrics by Linkin Park

I was just sitting here and suddenly these words came to me among others, but I thought they might mean something to you...

Sometimes the silence is what must be. Because only through silence can you really learn how to listen.

The Lord of the Rings Marathon!!

You won't believe it!! They are putting on all three LOTR movies on Colosseum tomorrow night!! All of them!! In the cinema again!! Oh my)) And I am going!!! Alone of course))) But I am sooooo looking forward to it... I wish I could see them with you tomorrow, but that would be very expensive tickets;)

I AM GOING THERE AND BACK AGAIN TOMORROW!!!

I loved this passage in The Artist's Way:

Blocked artists are not lazy. They are blocked.

I think before I can move on with anything in my life, I need to get unblocked. I kinda do everything half-heartedly nowadays. And I think the reason I am so damn tired all the time is creativity unused. Sort of feels like everything I want to do is stuck inside of me and never gets recycled, and it is making me unhealthy and leaving me feeling depressed and totally out of connection with anything I am doing. I am always finding excuses for not doing anything. I don't know what I am afraid of either. Maybe the responsibility... Because it is responsibility in getting unstucked and unblocked. Well, anyway. I do think that blocked creativity can be dangerous.

Have you thought about that? I mean there must be some reward we are giving ourselves by not doing anything about our situation. I say ours because even though our situations are quite different, I do think there is a lot of similarities too.

I am leaving everything I do unfinished. I even have difficulty doing these 4 test to finish my computer course... Everything half-heartedly... I can barely get myself out of bed. I will of course do them, but I am using the tests as a delaying thing for not having to continue getting out into the world. I just love sitting at home doing my thing way too much, and I can't decide if it is because I am suppose to or if it is a kind of weird escape of some sort...

I actually thinking I am coming down with a flue or something... At least that should be an excuse that other people would understand:D

About time!!

It's almost one month since my last entry!!

I don't know why I haven't felt like writing or why I have felt like I have nothing to write. There has been so much other stuff to deal with I guess, so that I haven't been able to sit down and write anything at all. Today was the last day of the course. Only have the tests left (hopefully a piece of cake)... I have made a website in the project that is actually online!! Queck it out: www.elanton.no Nice to think that I have made this (of course together with my classmates;)). Actually something to show for)))

Other than that, I am doing okay. I am seriously considering saying no to that workplace, because most of it has to do with sitting on the phone, and I am not very fond of the phone. It gives me the creeps. While I can adjust to taking some phonecalls and receiving them as well, the thought of it just being on the phone freaks me out and I haven't been able to feel happy about anything at all. And I am also struggling with feeling physically tired all the time. And if I am being pushed into something that I know is going to be bad for me, then I will end up almost where I started 3 years ago... Not very tempting. But hopefully it will be accepted and I can find something I will like. This job would be the easy solution. You know the one that I don't have to do anything to get and it would not be the best one in the long run...

Hopefully I will get to talk to you soon!! It is not enough once a month!! I wish you could take the time to talk to me once in a while... I really miss our talks!!

Lunchbreak

I'm having my lunchbreak. Finished early today. It was too cold to sit outside so I just figured I would come up here and write a few words. Not that I have much to say though....

I hope you got your essay re-written before handing it in))) Probably not when you had the chance to do it again later on... And now I am thinking about what the heck I can write:) I am in that mood again now. Not knowing what to write at all... My good efforts during the last month of my summer holiday has gone down the drain...:) Not that I have completely stopped writing. I just don't do it everyday and not as much, but I am trying not to let myself forget...




Just found a picture I used when doing a PowerPoint presentation... In the lack of words....:) Remembering the dream of hopefully not so far into the future we will get to see Rome, drink some wine and have a good time there, being really cultural and all))) Would be lovely...

I think I need another cigarette before starting the last two hours of Access... Quite boring indeed, but on Monday I begin with the Web part of the course. That should be interesting))))

Tired

I have to force myself to write this blog. I am physically tired these days. And it is effecting everything in my life. I want to write, I want to paint, but I am too tired to do anything constructive.

Next Wednesday I am going to a yoga class. Well, it is a free try it out. But I am hoping it will be wonderful so I can continue doing it. I guess it is my search for energy and physical well-being. I have lived in my head for so long that I have overlooked the vehicle for all those thoughts for way too long, and I am beginning to see the downside of that way of living now. I mean how can I get a job when I am exhausted all the time. I don't like feeling this way. I have to be able to keep a job and work at my dreams at the same time, not having to sacrifice one for the other. Mentally I am doing great, but being tired all the time takes a toll on the psyche... And if one part of your life isn't good, that is the part that draws all your energy away.

Maybe it is my soul's way of telling me to get to work on that now. And if I don't listen to it, it will be harder and harder to do anything else. I have seen that very clearly the past weeks... I don't have any energy left to do much of anything when I get home. I barely manage to get up in the morning, and when I do it takes all my energy and I struggle all through the day.

Weather and Vincent and some salty water

My goodness how time flies. I can't believe that it is Semptember already! Where did this summer go? Unbelievably sad in a way, but autumn is good too. It's just that it has been raining all summer, and so with autumn here, it kinda feels like we have been cheated out of any warmth before going into winter again... The sun is important because the sunlight gives energy to us that we need... We have had maybe ten days of intense heat in June, when I started the expert course, almost dying in the classroom, and when my summer holiday the bad weather started... Rain rain rain... The only positive thing was that I could stay indoors with a good conscience:)

Oh well, all the talk of the weather just goes to prove that we humans would be completely lost if we didn't have the weather to talk about..........

I've just flushed my nose with salted water. It is a strange sensation I tell you. Somehow, I managed to see something on the instructions that was not there and I ended up getting the first flowing of the water through my mouth... Before I realized that it was rather stupid to cover both nostrils... Really stupid... It does help a little... But it gets blocked quite fast again, but I think if I stick to it, then it will get better and better. I am definitely going to give it a try for a few weeks. It takes a couple of minutes and I love to "breathe the free air again"; if only for a moment.

What a gripping life I do lead eh:)

I am still trying to adjust getting up in the morning. I am so tired!! I can sleep alright, but still I am tired. But I am proud of myself for not oversleeping at all since I started. A couple of times I have had to take a train later (15 minutes), but that only means I get there like a couple of minutes past 9, which is late, but not that late. Acceptably late if you ask me:)

I am wondering when the energy will come:) Seems like it is nowhere to be found. I think I must change my eating habits. I should definitely eat breakfast!! But if I wake up at a quarter to eight and I have to get out the door around 30 minutes later, how do you eat breakfast? I don't... I am starting to go to the school every day now. Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, is course days. And Tuesday and Thursday are study days. I have decided to leave my books there and keep everything with computers and studying there, so that when I am home I can do everything that I like to do without feeling bad about not reading. I did it this weekend and it was great, because every time I thought about having to read, I said to myself that I would do it when the weekdays came. I could just relax and try to concentrate on the other things that I wanted to do.

I am still adjusting my life to being busy during the day, and I have not gotten into any kind of rhythm and my writing has suffered for it. But it is not like I have stopped altogether. I am just not writing that much anymore. I have to get everything together, and try to fit it into a somewhat more busy schedule that this summer. But I know it has not disappeared at all.

Still reading/writing about Vincent van Gogh. He too struggled with acceptance from his family (his father being a minister and wanting Vincent to be one as well). He had bad arguments with his father when he became an artist. Vincent actually only worked as a painter for ten years. He went around and didn't know what to do for a long time. He was an art dealer, a student of theology, I think he worked in a school, he worked in a bookstore for a short time, and was bewildered. I haven't read about the year he decided to be an artist yet. But his love of nature and of art was there all along. I think it was just a matter of finding his calling in a way. Just like we are doing still... You know, finding the strength to actually admitting for real that this is the only thing that will make us happy. I am also convinced that he had a manic depressive disorder. He was really depressed at times, then he had these productive periods when he could paint a picture a day! What amazes me the most is how completely different I view him after "getting to know" him a little bit better than just from what the popular "myths" about him says. Like the ear incidence. I have always heard that he cut the piece of his ear off because of a girl, but in fact it was because of Gauguin and his frustration over his stay not being what Vincent wanted it to be. He did send the piece to a girl though))) In a comical and bizarre way, kind of funny:))

I have still a lot to go through with the letters, trying to work as hard as I can with them. Not quite feeling that I have gotten to the bottom of why I was drawn to him yet, but I am getting there. He as a person has become a part of me now, and also him as an artist, maybe not always what he painted but how)) Looking forward to learning even more. Have to remember to re-rent the books before tuesday)))

Lyrics to Vincent

It is breaktime now. I am so tired, I can hardly concentrate about anything else than staring blindly at the screen.

Much later in the day. One hour left and I wanted to write the lyrics to Vincent (starry, starry night):

Starry starry night, paint your palette blue and grey
Look out on a summer's day with eyes that know the darkness in my soul
Shadows on the hills, sketch the trees and the daffodils
Catch the breeze and the winter chills, in colors on the snowy linen land

Now I understand what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for you sanity How you tried to set them free
They would not listen they did not know how, perhaps they'll listen now

Starry starry night, flaming flowers that brightly blaze
Swirling clouds in violet haze reflect in Vincent's eyes of china blue
Colors changing hue, morning fields of amber grain
Weathered faces lined in pain are soothed beneath the artist's loving hand

Chorus:
For they could not love you, but still your love was true
And when no hope was left in sight, on that starry starry night
You took your life as lovers often do,
But I could have told you, Vincent,
This world was never meant for one as beautiful as you

Starry, starry night, portraits hung in empty halls
Frameless heads on nameless walls with eyes that watch the world and can't forget.
Like the stranger that you've met, the ragged man in ragged clothes
The silver thorn of bloody rose, lie crushed and broken on the virgin snow

Now I think I know what you tried to say to me
How you suffered for you sanity How you tried to set them free
They would not listen they're not listening still
Perhaps they never will.

Hard to start

It was harder to start than I thought it would be. I was so tired all day. My legs were so heavy as were my eyelids... It felt like I had to drag myself up the stairs today. It adjustment is taking some time))) But I am learning new stuff about Word which is really useful in how to make writing easier!! Like when making contents of a paper or a book like in two seconds!! I like that))) It does contains many things I don't know))) But one thing I did know about was footnotes;)) Since I had had some experience using them when I wrote about Gothic art)))

I am going to bed now to sleep))) It sounds so good to lay my head on the pillow and just drift away into dreamland)))

Summary

It will be absolutely divine to go back to "ordinary" life again. You know, taking the course and feeling that I am moving forward again. The difference is of course that now I have taken writing with me. I am ready for everything to move forward. This summer has been both good and bad.

I had set three goals. But I only managed to do one of them. Writing. I wanted to write a hundred pages, and I have done so. So I guess I should be pleased. And I am. I truly am. Nothing is better than feeling unstuck on some part of your life. Right now I heard Bilbo's words in my head: "I think I'm quite ready for another adventure." And I guess I am. I feel that writing is about to take another turn, and I have no idea of where it will lead me. But I don't care. I am just waiting to see where it will go. Because I am ready for another adventure! Yeah!! *Clapping hands madly*

I bet many of my blogs will be filled with writing. Perhaps some of what I write, but alot of pondering about what I feel when I write. I will just write whatever comes to mind. I have different kinds of writing. This blog, my daily pages, and hopefully getting down to ideas about what I want to write. Oh, and I almost forgot...:) Letters... Maybe seriously think about writing more poems and shorter kinds of stuff. I am just looking forward to growing as a writer. I am just going to learn to go with the flow.

To think that it is only just after midnight and I am actually preparing for bed. I must say that I am a little nervous about if I am going to be able to get up tomorrow morning... I mean I slept for the entire course period today... Kind of strange to think that I will get home about an hour and a half after I got up this morning... lol. I will probably be sooo tired tomorrow morning. Or maybe I won't because I will be so excited to get back and to see the new faces that are joining the course... But I will be dead tired on Wednesday instead because the drive that anticipation gives you wear out pretty quickly... If there isn't this really cute boy in the course that will be absolutely worth coming for:) But I have my doubts about that. But there is still hope. Even though it will be crushed tomorrow))) I guess hope and crushed are a bit strong in this sense;) I won't die or anything.

I am beginning to feel like Bridget... The old mad spinster:) But I guess we have a lot to learn from dear Bridget... Talking about learning from someone... Still not quite sure what Vincent van Gogh has to tell me... The letters from the first chapter isn't really revealing anything, but I will continue. Should probably just a little forward in the book. That is what the gut feeling is telling me... So I probably should. After he decides to become an artist or something... In July of 1879... I should probably see about beginning there, but it seems so unfair to his earlier life as an art dealer and such:) I don't know... Kind of fun to see how his thoughts develop around art too, and what the man has to say. But one things for sure. I have developed a great compassion for the man Vincent:) And I am still so thrilled about finding out more about him. And I will probably continue to write about it in blogs...

Poem to the Starry Night by Vincent van Gogh

Thought I write the poem I wrote last Friday here...

He lived with his torment
He sensed his dismay
He lived with his colours
He looked around
and saw the world with new eyes
Like he knew it wouldn't last
that his sanity would take hold
Bold strokes of colour
The night sky took the canvas
The town was asleep
as he escaped into his world
Down there he was a stranger
Out here he was alive
He could forget about his illness
as he gazed upon the stars
His life has passed with sadness
but the moment is still alive

Vincent van Gogh

This has been the week for "signs" about Van Gogh. It began last Sunday when I watched this BBC program called Power of Art that was about van Gogh. It of course made it so much better with Andy Serkis playing van Gogh. But there was nothing special about it. Only a good program about a good artist.

Then last Tuesday in Medium, Allison dreamed about van Gogh. Thought it was a little funny then. And I thought that she had it wrong, because she dreamt he put a gun to his head, and in the Power of Art program he said he shot himself in the chest... That was really all that went through my mind at that stage.

Then on Friday, of all the pages in Art through the Ages, you picked the pages where Starry Night was!! Now it felt a little strange. But I wrote a good poem.

Then on Saturday, I saw a painting by van Gogh in a movie. No idea what movie it was, but I was switching from channels to channels. Now I really thought it must be a sign of some sort. And I made up my mind yesterday when I heard the song Starry, starry night (this version sung by Josh Groban). I thought, now this I cannot deny anymore. It is too strange to be coincidence. Tomorrow I will go to the library and find some books about Vincent van Gogh and see what it has to show me.

And so today I did and how three books with me home, two biographies and one novel. And I went into a book store to see if they had any notebooks on sale. And don't you think I found a notebook with von Dutch on the cover!! It cannot get any clearer than that!! Now all I have to find out is what the heck is being said about this. How it is suppose to connect to my life. Am I suppose to write something about Vincent or is it something about his life that can be inspirational for my own life? That is something I have to find out I guess... One of the books is the letters of Vincent, mostly to his brother Theo I think. Just barely flipped through it...

The Day

It's so funny, because as you might see, the question about the guides I talked about is now resolved. They are personal guides:) Funny how my reasoning was kind of right... Well, I might have read it somewhere too. I can't remember.

Tomorrow is my death day. The day when we buried my grandfather and the day Hans Christian were murdered. I should probably say died though... Not so dramatic. It's already been 12 years!! Twelve years ago my life changed. Or rather my perception of it. The way I had to either accept that I was completely crazy or that there were more to this world than what we could sense with our senses. I guess that when I really became what Gary Zukav called a multi-sensory human being:)

So I guess it is both a death and a life day really))) Because it did give me a broader view of life. The strange thing is that we buried my grandfather on that day that meant so much too me from before... Coincidence or not? It is said that there are no coincidences in this world...

A Song of Power

I am a horse running freely across the open landscape.
I am a willow, standing strong against the storm.
I am a forest, deep and vast, filled with secret hiding places.
I am a heart, filled with sadness and longing.
I am a knife that cuts through and finds what is important.
I am a unicorn, innocent and mystical.
I am a river, floating through the deepest parts of me.
I am a painting, eternal and full of meaning.
I am a wolf, searching for company in the twilight.

What am I writing

What am I writing... Everything really. I just thought of something funny. Going back to that door of mine. I was thinking that it's like that door has been opened. That before when I sat in front of it, staring it remained closed, but at the moment I decided to turn away it opened up. I have just been writing and writing and writing. Not all day long. I try to write in the morning (to start my day well and with what's important to me) and in the evening. Last night I wrote 5 pages longhand, turning off the computer and everything. Just listening to music and write, not trying to avoid anything at all. It is not suppose to become anything but a forum for me to put down everything, just going with the flow. I am not trying to shape anything into something, just writing freely, maybe for the first time in my entire life. I have done this for a week now and I have already filled about 30 pages of writing:)

One of the most important things I have learned or realized is that I have a lot to say. I will never ever again say that I have nothing to say. Because it is a lie. But realizing that it is a lie is a big step, and so I just continue to write. I go back in my mind if I stop, because there are always something I think about. I am just writing about whatever it might be that I feel like writing. I write about how good it feels to write. And I address the voice that sometimes say that this won't last. I am determined not to let it become a monthly thing, so I prepare myself for the time when I will be having to get up in the morning to go to the course or to work when that time comes. I tell myself that I will always have time for three pages every day, at least. There are no excuses. And I don't make them. I have been tired, not feeling in the mood, but I write. I ask myself questions, and look at the mood I am in. Encouraging myself to continue moving the pen across the paper. And guess what:) I started the whole thing with: "I am here. Showing up at the page." (Or it might be: Here I am.) And it is a really brilliant way to start writing if things feel hard, because it reminds you that you are at the here and now and all that matters is what is happening at the moment, and if I am sad or whatever mood I might be in then I write from that mood. If I ever feel any kind of doubt, I confront it at once.

One of the things I have admitted is that I have had a major writer's block. Everything that has been going on in my life has blocked me up completely. Just let it be what it is (or has been;). I just realized that I had let people in my life take my power away from me. And that I was not in control. So I decided to take back the control. Just like that. It is amazing actually, in many ways I feel like a different person altogether. Of course the work has just begun. There are still many issues to be solved or resolved. But I have found my means to do it. Ha ha. The voice again. It always pops up. Going like Sméagol. "Not listening, not listening." Maybe it is like that. The other voice is my own little Gollum:) Funny:) Never thought of that until now. But I guess it is a little like that. It pops up and tries to tell me that it won't last, that I have never been able to see anything through and that this is no different. The only way to prove the voice wrong, is by continue. Get into routine. Let it become a part of me. And that's where I am now. I am not thinking about what it might become. That only stress me out. Everytime that thought comes into my mind, I tell it that what I am doing now is laying the foundation of every story I will ever write. I will figure out what it is that I want to write, and I use those pages for that. I look at everything I might think or dream during the day. And if I now drift into a daydream I will come back and try to record where I was, and what I was doing. Stuff like that. Because that is where story begins. I will not try to put them all together now. It is not the time for that. It will only stress me more. The most important thing for me at the moment is to write, write and write. Like I am doing now. Just letting the words flow, not try to make any sense of them at all. I will no longer be content with writing I am sad. I want to know why. Go deeper into that emotion. Try to find the roots. Or at least something more than sad. I ask why?

And the best thing is that it is my way. I believe that we must find our own way. In that way this has been a good summer and I am getting a body of work, or perhaps rather a body to work with:) I've already got about 30 pages in one week!! That is something to work with:) I am having fun with it, and look forward to sitting down to write. That is a good change.

Harry Potter obsessed;)

I haven't written a slug in a while now, but man have I been writing. I don't know what happened. It's like a door has started opening, and I am enjoying it for what it's worth. I am right now, so looking forward to writing at least three pages before going to bed. I am just writing longhand, and I am finding it more easy than ever before. I try not to censor myself at all, just letting everything I feel and think come down onto the page. It is wonderful. And I try to confront the not so nice voice that is telling me it won't last and so forth. For now I am doing well.

I am also in the middle of the last Harry Potter book. I can't put it down!! It's like being obsessed or something. Since Saturday I have read almost 350 pages of the 600... Getting closer and closer to the end, and I will probably be finished soon. All questions soon answered:)

How are you doing? I guess I already know the answer to that. I won't pretend that I understand it.

It's funny... I remember a couple of weeks ago, I was thinking about how I haven't seen John Noble (Denethor;) in anything but The Lord of the Rings. And by coincidence or not, now in the last couple of weeks I have seen him twice. In 24 and in this miniseries Superfire. That is funny. Like that time when I thought about wanting to see Titanic again and two weeks later it was aired on tv... Or last week, I saw The Man in the Iron Mask again. Just after you had written about Jeremy Irons and I mentioned the film... Or thinking about a song and turning on the radio and the song plays... It is strange... Really strange:)

Lightbulb moment delux

I don't know what happened yesterday, but it was something. Something kind of clicked inside of me. I read in the Right to Write, and I just kind of understood that I had so many restrickens when it came to writing. I didn't really write anything because I was always trying to avoid really writing. Julia Cameron wrote about routine and I suddenly realize that it was a key word. Getting some routine in my life. I suddenly wrote three pages last night, and I wrote three pages this morning. Just venting everything and anything. Ideas and all, just letting the pen flow over the paper. No I don't know what to write, because all of a sudden I knew that it was a lie, a bad way to start writing anything. I have a lot to say. And I am going to say it. And it feels wonderful:) Sort of like awakening after a long, long sleep.

It is so easy to fall down into the bottom of the pit. It is a lot of hard work to change the way I think. To start believing in myself again after all the doubt I have experienced. To start believing that I can really make my dreams come true. But it is still a long way to go. I am not stabilized yet.

I know it's not unusual to doubt yourself. Unfortunately, I think many people manifest it in trying to be better than other people, instead of looking within and seeing that you are good enough in what you are. I don't want to fall into that trap. I want to know that everything comes from me, that the foundation stands on solid ground, and that I build the foundation of a solid material that will last throughout my entire life. I have seen what it can do when you doubt yourself. How that person has no eyes going inwards, always outwards and pointing fingers and feeling so sorry for herself.

I don't know... Feels like nothing is making sense. Just emptiness in every word, or so it seems. Like I am repeating myself. Guess I should stop. Tired, headache, having the first day of my period, not getting good sleep, and spend the last six hours sneezing. And now complaining:)

Great masters

I am in awe of how the great masters painted and the pictures they created. Just saw a programme about Rembrandt. It's amazing how his brush strokes make up pictures. How seemingly smears become such beautiful paintings. It is inspiring, and it serves as a reminder of how important it is to study those who came before us. I am truly amazed!!

Sometimes I wish some of these great masters could be woken to life so they could teach me what they knew and tell me about how and why they painted. Like Leonardo da Vinci, Rembrandt, Edvard Munch, Claude Monet, Dante Gabriel Rossi, John William Waterhouse, Turner, van Gogh among others. Would be lovely:) I would love to have a conversation with William Shakespeare too)) Wonder if there is any truth to those people who say that William Shakespeare "lend" his name to someone else... lol... Because they don't believe someone so "regular" could write such wonderful plays:) What is it with these critiques? They must be envious people...

Step onto the road...

Sometimes I feel so old and wornout. I have probably walked to deep into my own misery for the past weeks. Like I am burying myself deeper and deeper, and I can't get out of the shit. I can with hand on heart say that the past month has not been the best. I have felt more alone than I have in months. Not having money to do anything, always counting what I can and cannot buy, not speaking to my mother, not having anyone to talk to, not sleeping well at all, and it's been raining constantly, not much sun at all, cold and miserable. Though there has been a couple of showers worth remembering, like the other day when there was some sunshine and it poured down. That was beautiful...

But mostly everything has been grey. The weather, me and everything I do. Grey...

I think I am in my PMS period:) Everything seems horrible at that time of month. And it seems that it gets stronger when I am a little miserable before it. But hands up. It will pass, as it has before. "Keep the drama on the page," says a Julia Cameron in The Right to Write, and I thought I would try that. Only I am keeping it here. I can't let anything get me down now, even though it still does. *Sigh* It still does...

I will keep reminding myself about this: Life will get better. I will do that and write about it until it gets better. Until the way I write about my life gets different. Writing slugs is my testimony. Somehow it feels a lot easier than writing a journal right now. Nevermind that other people can write about my misery as well:) If they find these pages that is... *lol*

I can see that I do repeat a lot of the same things. But should I care about that? I don't know, it is the writing from my heart. Sometimes it is better than other times. For now what matters is that I write a little everyday, no matter how it feels or how good it is. One day I will look at everything I write, and I will see how it changes, and how much further along I have come...

All this is part of my pilgrimage...

I will make it even if it is against all odds. I have to start cheering for myself:) And I will...

Logic

I sat down just now, and wrote the sentence Human beings are remarkable. And then my mind wondered to the first thing we have on the university, philosophy and in it logic... I wrote:

Human beings are remarkable.
I am a human being
therefore I am remarkable.

It was a little lesson today. I cannot look at the human race without actually including myself:) If other people are remarkable because they are a part of humankind, I cannot forget that it includes me too... A good lesson in giving yourself some credit.

How do you create a world?

The sun will rise on a whole new world. It has been in the dark for so long, dead... A wasteland, only alive in what could be...

The creative flame is burning in a temple deep inside of this world. It is the only place where there is some light, just a tiny little ray of light.

This is the only sign of life. The rest is dead. It is a wasteland. Total wasteland. Darkness reigns.

Dark things hide in the shadows. There are discoveries waiting to be made here. Everything is up to me. I am the seeker. I am the creator. And it is up to me if it will remain a wasteland or if it will turn into a vibrant land, if it will come alive...

I've tried to start this journey so many times. Every time it just falls apart. It seems that I can't access it no matter how hard I try. It is withering away, and that makes me sad. Maybe being a writer is a lonely business, because no matter how you put it, you are alone. Alone with your thoughts and ideas, alone with your imagination. I am going on this journey alone, and it is hard to understand what that feels like. Maybe I haven't come to terms with that just yet. And I am struggling, really struggling with it. Writing is difficult in this time we live in because people are looking at what you have done. And calling yourself a writer means that you have to have something to show for it, and that means having something published. I am beginning to go crazy with this. There is still this invisible wall I hit every time I try to sit down to write.

If the universe is good, then this is just a testing time of some sort. Maybe to see if I want it bad enough. But the question is the same: How do you create a world?

Sometimes I think the world would suffer no loss if I never wrote a single word. But then again, maybe it would. I guess I will know what to write when the day comes... Maybe the waiting and the not knowing is there for a reason still not known to me. That I am just "practicing" my writing skill, making it better, and when the real story emerges I will have practice with my writing. Maybe I am just gathering knowledge, about writing, about story-building, about other stuff that I might use. Then suddenly one day, I will know what to write, and the words will just flow out. Writing this, reminds me of that scene in the mini-series about Ibsen as a young man, in the time before he started on the journey of becoming one of the greatest writer for the theatre. After struggling with different stuff in his life, we see him in a dark room, and the words of what is his first play, Catilina, comes to him. The look on his face at that moment, that's the look I want on my face one day when my first story comes to my mind... Nothing less. Yes, I do think I believe I will write books, but sometimes you have to go around a little bit, find the knowledge that you see and build a strong foundation for your creative work. I think I am building a foundation right now. I cannot believe anything else. Going through my fears and getting my life sorted out. We all have different ways to cope. I know I am not short on words, I just don't know how to build them into a story. Poems yes, novels no... Not yet...

"We become what we think about, all day long."

Love these words by Ralph Waldo Emerson. Sort of makes me think about how we are living. At least how I am living. I think about how I will never be able to write anything. And guess what. I am not writing anything, am I. But how to unlock the secret to living a life I will be proud of? How to I start when I have been living like this for so long? How do I do that?

It is sometimes so difficult to change the way I have been thinking. I fall easily into the old ways. And it doesn't help that people close to you won't let you forget where you came from and who you used to be and then act accordingly. A glimpse of light is easily put out by clouds. There are so many lovely words out there that inspires. And I do believe Emerson's words to bear truth in them. I am what I think all day long. A dreamer. Isn't that all I do? Dream. I never do anything to make those dreams come true at all. Everything I do is procrastinate, put everything in my life on hold, waiting, hoping that one day everything will change. "If only this; if only that..." It is getting tiresome to say the least.

So how do I change the way I think? I guess that is the big question to be left unanswered for now. Simply because I don't know...

Been struggling today with bad allergies. Grass I guess. Suppose to be very much in the air. Sometimes it just feels like it builds up and then burst out into a day of horror:) Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. Understandably, I have to look back on an unproductive day. Kinda strange, because the last days I can't really say if it has been allergies or a cold... lol. No way of knowing now.

I wonder why you withdraw completely... Right now it seems like you are disappointed about Friday or something... I guess you're having one of your moods again. Too bad... Hope it doesn't last too long...

Take action

I open myself up to the journey I am taking. I always talk about it as something in the future, something that I am going to do. But the truth of the matter is that I have already started on that journey. The journey of making my dreams come true, the journey of my dreams. One step at a time, one foot in front of the other, and no matter how slow it might seem to me that I am moving along, I am moving along. One day at a time, one hout at a time, one minute... But I am going there little by little.

There is a lot of talk here. But nothing comes from talking but sound. Sometimes even just noise, something that never makes any sense at all... Sometimes there has to be taken action. Like in the global warming and environment crisis. There is a lot of talk, even arguing, about what to do and if it is humans fault, but that will never save the planet. Action will do. I guess the same thing is for me. I can talk all I want about what I want to do, but the only thing that will get me there is if I do something with it. Talking about cleaning doesn't clean my apartment, my actions to actually pick up and sort things out does. The same with writing. I can talk about me wanting to write, but unless I sit down to write, nothing will come of it.

So I will take action. I will not talk, but do...

I will pull out the plugs from any electrical apparatus that I don't use. The mobile charger, the cd player and such... I am through the talk, now I will do it. Take action, save the planet. Answer the call:)

I will write a slug every day, like a diary thingy:)

I will write something that can become something more every day. At least for twenty minutes or more if I have the time.

I will paint and draw, maybe a little every day.

Soon one month has passed us by already. The only thing I am satisfied with is my cleaning. That is looking brighter and brighter. I have cleaned my way through my appartment. I have begun to paint again because of it. I love that I feel that everything is coming together. It is inspiring to see that some things I actually want to do, I do. It gives me hope...:D

The things I love

I love the feeling of a brand new notebook that is just waiting for me to fill it with my dreams and fantasies.

I love the smell of old books.

I love the nightsky, especially the full moon. Or being in a place where there is not any artifical light and watching the starry sky. There are like millions of them that is not visible when you are in an area with lots of streetlights...

I love JRR Tolkien's wonderful Middle-earth and everything therein.

I love to go swimming in the ocean.

I love thunder and lightning, the dark and gloomy clouds that usually follows.

I love rain showers on a hot day; the smell is like nothing else.

I love to do my hair and make it into different stylish hairdos, and getting new things I can decorate it with, like butterflies and other shiny things:)

I love listening to music and seeing the images it brings to my mind.

I love my ice coffee:)

I love books, and the joy of getting a new one...

I love traveling and the feeling of anticipation.

I love to paint, mixing colours and shaping them into images and pictures.

I love realizing something new. Like something about my own life, about something that deepens my beliefs and so on.

I love a lot of other things too. But for now this is my the things I love list. I found it in the last chapter from Writing for my Life that I just sent and I thought I'd do it. And maybe every so often, I will do it again.
What I have learnt from the list is that many of the things I love is attached with some kind of feeling. It is the feeling that they give me that I love... Interesting:)

An idea for London?

He he. Almost a double dose of Gerry today. They are sending The Phantom of the Opera on Swedish television tonight. Almost over. And at the same time I have started a chapter in Medieval Europe 400-1500 on Attila which we know Gerry play some years ago:) Hence the picture... (Funny how I have to watch it even though I own it myself. Like I think have to watch The Fellowship of the Ring on Saturday... I mean why? I can watch the extended version anytime I like... Strange:) Well, of course I grab every chance I have to see Gerry; *kiss*)

Makes me think about movies... We should really try to look at making a script... Or at least laying down plans for ideas that can be developed. What kind of movies would we like to make? It would be a way of planning for London, wouldn't it? We need to have something to "sell" there. And if we are going to work together in the future, we should find out how we can best work together. We cannot keep butting our heads together every time we try to do any kind of work together:) In a way it is good that we know we have the potential to do that, and I think we should use it now to learn how our creative relationship should work. The more we learn now the better it will be when it really count. In London that is. Maybe one branch of our body of work this summer should be a lot of ideas for potential scripts. What do you think? Is it a good idea to work on something like that as a way of planning for London? It would be foolish to not have something wouldn't it. It would kill our spirits faster than lightning if we don't have a clear picture of what we are to do in London. It wouldn't be enough to just be there.

I am looking forward to everything that lies ahead of us. No matter what it is. It is going to be great. We are going to create great and adventurous lives for ourselves. Our writings aren't going to be anything less. I am sure of it. But we can't afford to procrastinate anymore. It is making us go crazy, despairing and restless. What do you say? No more excuses?;)

The Dream......

What inspires me? Everything basically... That is the problem isn't it. I can't decide on what I want to write about. Nothing calls me specifically. I am just going round in circles. Trying to begin something, unable to see it through, see where it leads me. I can't seem to get it together. Now I know, I have to figure out how to get on with it. And I will. I have made progress. I am about to see the cleaning through. That isn't done half-hearted anymore. And I don't think I will start this writing half-hearted either. Like I've maybe done in the past.

I have perhaps not dared to write because I have been after to kill the dream. And by not writing I have kept the dream of becoming a writer alive. Paulo Coelho wrote that in the Zahir, and it so felt familiar. That's what I had been doing. I think I have been writing enough to kinda keep the urge satisfied, but I have not been serious about anything that I put in words. A couple of poems now and then, but for the most part rubbish that it didn't take a lot to throw away, some of it I didn't even bother to read to check if there was an idea there. It wouldn't be. And I don't give it a second thought. I know this time will be different, because now I don't just write to get my "fix". I write because I want it to mean something, to create something bigger something that is a part of something bigger. I am seriously going after my dream. And I dare to see if the dream will be crushed or if it will come alive. I am thinking that it will be. I have to believe it. The dream will come true.

There is no hidden mystery to writing. It is just doing it. The magic is in what you let get through. It is about letting yourself surprise yourself. It's about loving the characters you meet along the way. I have to let them get through, letting them find me, letting them speak. I know one thing. They have to be a little magical:) I can't write mundane stories. I have to let them be a little out of the ordinary. I don't know. All of a sudden all of this paragraph feels like talk, nothing else... I guess I really don't know what I want to say at all. I am totally in the dark with everything. Nothing seems understandable at all. I am totally lost. To tell the truth. I am lost:)

I guess getting unlost is part of the next stage this summer... But how to do that? I have to chew on that one a day or so... But I love that I get a chance to find out. It is really like finding a treasure. I am going on a treasurehunt. Pirate style. What was it that we said again about being pirates... I think it was from our meeting two weeks ago... Do you remember? I only remember that it was something about pirates... Something about being like Jack Sparrow...

"The cleaning stuff"

I am in a strange mood... A couple of days ago I felt that there was no end to the cleaning. And now I see the end... I am filled with a feeling of both joy and horror. I have been having this hanging over my head for so long now that I wonder how I am going to react when it is finally done... What will it feel like? How will I react? It has been sort of like a symbol for the cleaning inside. A symbol of the old way I have lived my life... I don't know how I will react. One thing I am proud of is that I said I do it and I am doing it. That shows a will that is about to be healed.

Of course, cleaning never really ends does it... There is such a thing as maintaining the cleanness;) I guess that's why I find it so incredibly boring. The constant repetition of the same thing... What is fun with that, eh:)

It really is nice to see that all my labour is bearing some kind of fruits. I kind of like it. I have done a little every day and I am seeing that maybe by next week I can see an end to the worst))) I love it and am kinda looking forward to seeing what is on the other side of it...

As always is it hard to start writing. Feeling that there is nothing to write, but knowing that there is a whole world just waiting to be discovered....

I have to be careful now. July is already here. And it will go fast and soon it will be august... Still no progress in determining what I want to write about. Feels almost impossible to get how one starts something that can go further than just a couple of pages or three. How do you determine what you want to write about?

How do you go about finding the path? How to you find the heart of a story? How do you track it down...

Can I ever really believe anything... Sometimes I watch myself from the outside. I see someone who is trying, but are still afraid. When it really matters, she gets frightened and creep back into the shadows. I don't want to be that girl anymore, that frightened girl who is scared of herself and all the passion she feels. I am tired of denying myself life. It's what I have done for so long. "Come out, come out, whoever you are." (Watching Queen of the Damned or something... Adapted from some Anne Rice book, with the Aragorn that got fired, thank goodness. Sorta clouds my mind a little bit, with vampires and all, making me a little dark, he he;))

The darkening of the mind. Melancholy. Shadows and darkness... Fun))
But yet I cannot completely grasp it either... I guess it is duality. Light and darkness; good and evil... One can't exist without the other...

The darkening...

I am here...

I wrote this today:

And now
as I turn another page in my story
I feel hope renewed
I am here
and I am alive
in this moment where I take
a step into the unknown
I am here
alone with myself
My journey and adventure is to find the fragments of my story
The quest to put them back together
I am here
at the beginning of my story

It is a fact. When you begin to feel good about yourself and your life, there will always be that certain someone who tries to bring every thing down again. I wonder why some people think they can say anything they want. Especially parents. My mother has one of her fits again. Because she has decided to take on things. She wants to go further, and then decides that I have to do it as well. Those words she can say... I can't understand it. I guess I have come to far into the light, so she has to try to drag me down again. For goodness sake, it is unbelievable. It is her choice to do these thing. Not mine.

But this time it is going to be different. I am not going to allow her to drag me down. I try to observe my feelings. It is not my fault. She managed to make a big deal out of this microphone and the mouse I got from her. Like I made her buy them. Telling me to enjoy being in my own world. She's had enough. All this on two text messages.

A part of me wants to cry, another don't won't her to have the pleasure of hurting me again. I just have to realize that she will always be like this. You know, if I went to London, she would probably tell me that I didn't care about her, only myself... Anything that I like is under attack when it suits her. It is her problem. I have to tell myself that. I want to take back the power. I want to take back the control. It is my life and I choose what I want in it. I am actually feeling that the hurt is turning into anger. I feel angry now.

I am so fed up with that side of her. She always, always try to make me feel bad about something when I don't do what she wants me to do. Then she blabs on about respect!! Now I say, what you give is what you get... I think I am more determined than ever to make this summer great. No matter what happens. I am going to get out of this dump my life has gotten into. I have to concentrate on me. On living my life. And what she doesn't seem to understand, is that I am actually trying to get a life. It is like she is so scared of not being a part of that life, that the only way she unconsciously think she can be part of it is to make me feel miserable, and make me feel bad. I know there is no use in talking to her about it, because she will always twist it around. I can't say to her that she should look at herself before attacking me. I can't say that these things are her battles and not mine. The work that was done on the appartment, and my grandmother. I would do anything to sort out the mess around my grandmother, but she is turning it into so much. And drags me down because I cannot go around thinking about all of it 24/7. And because I don't, she translate it into not caring. And I have to be there and always say the right thing, because if I don't I get these text messages... I felt it coming the moment I heard the phone pep. Here we go, I thought, and lo and behold I was right!!

I am really letting everything come out now. I just want to get it out of my system, turn off the computer and go to bed and read. And be done with this day. I am not going to answer those messages. I know that nothing good will come of it, and it will only make matters worse. It is better to have an argument about not answering that saying something and letting her twist it around... She always does that. I am so looking forward to getting back to working. To be finacially independent again. I think I will rather work my butt off than having these things crushing down on me. But I know it will not end there... There will always be something... If I start to work and am not able to visit her or do things, she will turn that around too. Saying that she was right, I only came to visit her because of the money she would give me. Always making me feel bad about my situation. Always. There is always some kind of twist somewhere along the line. Always something.

You know, I am actually wondering if a comment I had on thursday did the trick. When I said that I was sensing and feeling that I was getting better, that I was getting stronger than ever, made this come. I truly think it did. I actually think she expect me to fix these things for her, take control of the situations she creates... You know, maybe she is right in a way. Maybe I do come for the moneysupport. Because sometimes I feel that is the only support she has given me.

This is turning out to be a rather sad slug:)) I should probably have written it in a journal instead. I will probably maybe delete it later. I am going to bed now)))

Thought I'd let Nicky have some lime light:) My adorable little cat:D
I have a surprise for you tomorrow;)

The test went well, only that damn one mistake... So now I have my summer vaction all in front of me. Two months with cleaning and writing and perhaps some painting and drawing. Well, I don't want to use two month on my cleaning though... Hopefully as quick as possible...))) But the writing starts tomorrow. Right now I am tired and my head hurts so I am going to bed before a headache really takes hold.

Looking forward to talk to you tomorrow;)

I hate the Lost guys for killing Charlie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wild protests!!!

Maybe there will be a movie worth seeing if you come to visit me December... The Golden Compass. I have never heard of the books before but it looks interesting enough))) I hope it will be shown at the Colosseum:)

Beginnings


Life is a series of cycles and a time of rebirth is indicated for you.

This may mean a new phase in a relationship, the germination of a fresh idea or the development of qualities in you like laughter, light or hope. It may herald a total change.

Do not be afraid to let go of the familiar for the new cannot enter until the old and outworn has departed.

Your angel guidance is to accept the new for it will be welcome when it arrives.

Birth is a vulnerable time. The fragile life force needs to be protected and nurtured within you. Ask the angels to guide the new beginnings in your life safely to maturity.

Affirmation: I welcome and nurture the new in my life.

From the site of Diana Cooper. Angel cards.

Hoooooooooooooooooooooot

It is soooo hot now. The apartment is overheated and it is really sticky, even now one hour after midnight. Being at the computer course today was hell. I fell asleep when I came home, but Cath called after one hour or so thank goodness, or I would probably have slept and slept and been completely out of it. I hope it will be cooler and that we'll have some beautiful rain soon.

I feel a little slow tonight, sluggish. I know that I can't go to sleep yet, so I thought I'd let you inspire me and watch King Arthur:) It's a long time since I saw it too. It's been a couple of hours since I wrote the first paragraph and it is still hot!! I really don't think there will come any words of wisdom from my mind tonight:) It's like all it says is hot hot hot. System shot down. Too hot. Warning warning....:D

I am tired and going to bed very soon now. But I thought I should write something since I didn't get around doing it yesterday. The whole apartment is still hot and sticky. I have a huge blister underneath my foot. My arms har hurting. Complaining a lot:) And I would probably continue to complain if I wrote anything more... So I leave it for today...

IV

There is something peaceful and exciting about sitting and trying to calm down. Pictures starts to roll onto the screen of the mind. I had to scatch my nose real bad. Then I stood in a long hallway looking at myself in the far end, a lone figure in white in the darkness. It felt like there was a storm coming. Like a thunderstorm or something was coming. There was something in the air, like it was electric. Then I started to think about being pregnant. Which really doesn't fit anything I was thinking about at all. But symbolically it should mean that I am letting something new come into being. It all fits really. I tried to bring myself back into the corridor and I saw ripped curtains blowing frantically in the wind, doors smacking shot behind me. And me running past the observer-me, but I wasn't scared. More like I was freeing myself by running. Then there was someone shouting outside my window and I didn't bother to try to shut them out... It would just lead to unnecessary irritation so I got back here to write....

III

Who I am... I feel like there are two versions of me. The-larger-than-life me and the small and unimportant one. Lately I have felt the first person emerge more and more. I feel beautiful and strong, mysterious and gentle, powerful and a little wicked. I feel like I am destined for great things, that I have a purpose that is far beyond what I can comprehend, like I have traveled through time and space to be here on earth at this moment in time. That I have a task that I am preparing for. But at the same time I am doubtful even now as I write these words. And yet I know that I am to the extent that I sometimes have perhaps felt a little "above" other people struggling with "normal" problems. I love what a woman said to me once: "You give an impression of being open, but I can sense that there is much more underneath and that makes me curious about you." That is me. Like the ocean, open and vast, but underneath there are endless depth of unknown things...............

II

The past... the sum of what has made me what I am today. I think in many ways I have come to terms with it, but I still have difficulty letting go of what it has done to me. I think that is one of my biggest problems. The insecurity and the feeling of not being good enough, and that I am throwing my life away on meaningless things, that those things I love is meaningless. That is perhaps why I struggle so much with becoming who I was meant to be. That part of me that is great and that part of me that is such a big loser has this enormous gap between them that I have not been able to bridge yet. I still get a little messed up... It's like I am believing that this summer will be a new beginning, but at the same time there is a voice already seeing that at the end of august things will still be the same. Right now that scares me more than writing crappy things. Not trying. I want this more than ever and I am more scared than ever before. I kinda feel like there is no other chance now. That I have used up so much time reliving what I cannot do anything about. That I have stopped myself from being who I was meant to be for too long. It has taken me three years of depression and total lack of energy to come to this point, and I don't ever want to go back there again. Not that deep into total blackness. I want to become my own friend, and not be my worst enemy. I want to accept myself and all the beautiful things I am capable of doing. I want to believe in myself. And not be my past. I want to become my future. I want to become my dream.

I

Letting my mind be still... What a difficult task. All noises seem to get louder, so does my thoughts. My body gets heavy. From one place to another without focus. I try to focus, but I can't. I try to breathe. I don't know where to start. Calling my purpose to the front. Having expectations for the summer. Wanting to do so much, afraid it will turn into nothing. Once again.

Lunchbreak

Lunchbreak. It is way too hot now. Feel like I am melting... Like my brain is melting. The room I am in now is overheated. Complain complain complain))) I swore that I would not complain about summer, but I can't help myself. A week ago it was still rather cold. Not wintercold, but there was a coolness in the air even if the sun was out. But now it is tropical:D

Yesterday I bought a notebook that I have dedicated to the summer work. I am planning to use it to write fictional, or at least I am going to try. Write a story like I mentioned in a previous slug. The biographical fictional story. The dream me. I don't know if it will work, but I am keeping an open mind. The first "chapter" I have called The Doorway between the Known and the Unknown. I am going to try to sum up a little bit about life and talk about the past. I still think the door is the past and the lock is a symbol of letting the past be what it is and unlocking the door might mean that I will stay in the past. I think it means that I have managed to come to terms with my own past, and maybe without knowing it I have put it behind this door, but I have been unable to walk away with it. Like there is an invisible bond between me and that locked door that no matter what I have wanted, no matter how much I have wanted to move on I have been unable to do that. Until now...

But I still think it is crucial that I honour my past. It is a part of me and it has made me what I am, good or bad. But it doesn't determine my future. Let what needs to die, die peacefully.

I know this part well. I have been here and wandered around in this field for so long. That's why I have to create a gateway into the unknown. I need to explore the unknown. I need to except me for what I am. And not let me scare myself shitless again, at least not let me overcome myself. The battle of the ego against the task that lies ahead. My will has been broken but I am putting it back together again, bit by bit. And I am doing it with care this time. No half measures. This time it is for real. I have put my life on hold for the last time. No more...

It sometimes feel like I have gotten rid of a lot of weight. I feel so much lighter, so much more hopeful. There are still some burdens left. I still can feel blue and I will never get rid of my melancholy (tungsinn:). It is a natural part of me, and it is also highly creative. And I find it somewhat romantic too)))) I think we all have those times in our lives when we feel a little sad, but the key is not to be overcome with grief. And to use the sadness for what it is worth, be creative and not sad.

I was thinking about how much "stuff" I would have if I had a printer attached to my brain:) The way my mind works sometimes is funny. The stories that I make up are out there somewhere. I sometimes have to stop myself and pull myself back to reality. It is too funny. Especially when I worry about something; I can blow it completely out of proportions. It's like Bridget Jones and her constant battle with those extra pounds:D She hears people talking about her on the train station and the speaker voice talking about her and so on. Only I get a visual image of things happening. A comment can turn into war world III basically:)) Well, I haven't begun a war just get.....:) I guess I have pulled myself back before that happens...:D Anyways, it would have been fun to make notes on everything that is going on inside my head at times... Maybe I have to get used to using my imagination from now on. I known that I have it, but perhaps I don't know how to use it well. I guess one of the reasons I feel like it starts with me is that I always make up stories where I am involved in the different situations. So instead of fighting that, I am going to try and use it. To see where it leads. I will meet characters and things on that journey that I might use for later. That is kinda what my intention is. To take the path down the imagination.

Class begins again:)

I doubt there will be anything useful in this slug:) I am really, really tired. Been running around all day. But the good news is that I'll be here tomorrow)) The party is on Saturday evening)) So we can have our inkling meeting... Be really creative:D

Nope, not the longest slug I have ever written. Now I have to go to bed, but I will hopefully be speak to you tomorrow)))

I am having way too much fun with taking these tests;) Posting way too many))) I have however written something today... Way down on the page somewhere.....

You scored as Albus Dumbledore, Strong and powerful you admirably defend your world and your charges against those who would seek to harm them. However sometimes you can fail to do what you must because you care too much to cause suffering. Albus Dumbledore 90% Hermione Granger 65% Harry Potter 65% Severus Snape 60% Remus Lupin 60% Ginny Weasley 55% Sirius Black 55% Ron Weasley 50% Draco Malfoy 50% Lord Voldemort 20% Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Angel, Angel: Angels are the guardians of all things, from the smallest ant to the tallest tree. They give inspiration, love, hope, and positive emotion. They live among humans without being seen. They are the good in all things, and if you feel alone, don't fear. They are always watching. Often times they merely stand by, whispering into the ears of those who feel lost. They would love nothing more then to reveal themselves, but in today's society, this would bring havoc and many unneeded questions. Give thanks to all things beautiful, for you are an Angel. Angel 92% Faerie 75% Mermaid 42% WereWolf 25% Dragon 0% Demon 0% What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!) created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Mysterious, You wish to hide who you are from all those around you. You find it very hard to trust people. You also may enjoy the fun that comes from playing mind games with others around you.My advice Get out there and reveal the true you if only to one person! Passion 50% Mysterious 50% Diamond Eyes 42% Eyes full of Pain 17% What do your eyes reveal about you?(PICS!) created with QuizFarm.com

The Gateway that leads from the known into the unknown

I am taking the starting point at the door. That is where the story begins, the symbolic journey. I am not to open the door yet, maybe it is not to be opened just yet. Maybe it is the symbol of my past. And because it is locked, it should perhaps stay like that. The past is past, there is nothing I can do to change what is there, no matter how hard I stare at it. What is done is done. Let's say that it is for now. The locked door is my past. And I have spent too much time trying to change what cannot be changed. It makes sense to me.

I turn away from the door and face a new gateway.

"Gateways symbolizes the scene of passing from one state to another, from one world to another, from the known to the unknown, from light to darkness. Doors open upon the mysterious, but they have a dynamic psychological quality for they not only indicate a threshold but invite us to cross it. It is an invitation to a voyage into the beyond."

Walking through this gate I turn away from my past and walk into the unknown, from the mundane to the sacred. I guess in a way I see this as my own fairy tale. I am the teller of my of tale... Maybe that is where I am going this summer. Looking at myself as the main character. Being the I of the story. Maybe that is what I need to do before I can tell the tales of others. So I step through the gateway to explore, to journey into the unbelievable. One day at a time. Take the adventure as I have never dared to do it before. I have never accepted that I wanted to tell my own story first, talk about the places and people I dream about, the adventures I dream about, not as another person, but as me. Maybe that is why I never dared to go further, because I felt I shouldn't talk about me. But maybe not it is different. I feel more courageous now.

I am not sure where it will lead me but I found this picture and it kind of trigger me. Maybe I will use it to visualize where to go next... Three doors, three possibilities. It also reminds me of the wardrobe that the Pevensie siblings walk through into Narnia. They walk through a door into another world. I will think more about this. Most definitely. I really feel that I have a something that appeals to me there... And I definitely walk from the known into the unknown...

The Door I cannot open...

I am feeling that I am always writing about the same thing over and over again. Is that a way for my soul to tell me I have to move forward. I have written about what it feels like being in the dark. I have written about how it might often be a struggle to get out of the dark. And I have written about how I think it must feel like, the light. But I have not written about how it really is there. Because perhaps I am not quite there yet... This is where I feel that I am banging my head against. The door that is still closed to me.

I have been so intend on getting through that door, that I have forgotten that there are other doors in the corridors of my mind. The door is iron-clad, impossible to break through. What is behind that door, only the soul knows, and it don't want me to go through. The key to the door is not to sit and stare at it. I have to get up from the comfortable seat of doing nothing but think, plan and stare. I have to go on a search in the rooms that lie beyond this one door. This is my sacred journey.

Nothing is like it seems in this dreamlike landscape. The door is only the beginning. Maybe it is the symbol of all that I will never be. Or maybe it is my past lives, or some other secret that I cannot know now. Maybe the key is somewhere inside this land in the mists, somewhere I can only find if I start living inside here too. Living in this land, will manifest itself in my life here on earth. They are perhaps intertwined, bound together by the one thing they have in common: me...

So I sit here in front of the door. And I am making myself ready for the journey of a life time, the journey that will change me and my life forever. I am going treasure hunting, ghost hunting and all the wonderful things that this journey into the imagination will bring me. I am getting ready for an adventure, getting ready to explore and search. I am getting up and standing tall, taking a last look at the door and then turn away to face the dark corridor, not knowing where it will lead me.

"My name is Linda and I am a writer." That is a great introduction. Have you noticed how very concern people are of what you do? What your occupation is. It is honestly horrible to see how the reaction you get from people are when you say unemployed. It is like it has something to do with your abilities or something. That if you are unemployed it is your fault. Some people just automatically put unemployment with being a loser. It's not like I feel like a loser at all, don't misunderstand me. And people close to me or that I have talked to has never made me feel like one. But there are many who feel like a failure because they cannot get a job, even if they try.

Now I really don't know why I wrote about this at all, but I am going to let it stay here. Does it make any sense to you?))) Just thought I had to ask.

Your Aura is Violet

Idealistic and thoughtful, you have the mind and ideas to change the world. And you have the charisma of a great leader, even if you don't always use it! The purpose of your life: saying truths that other people dare not say Famous purples include: Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King, Jr., Susan B. Anthony Careers for you to try: Political Activist, Inventor, Life Coach

What Color Is Your Aura?

You Are a Dreaming Soul

Your vivid emotions and imagination takes you away from this world So much so that you tend to live in your head most of the time You have great dreams and ambitions that could be the envy of all... But for you, following through with your dreams is a bit difficult You are charming, endearing, and people tend to love you. Forgiving and tolerant, you see the world through rose colored glasses. Underneath it all, you have a ton of passion that you hide from others. Always hopeful, you tend to expect positive outcomes in your life. Souls you are most compatible with: Newborn Soul, Prophet Soul, and Traveler Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Your Personality Cluster is Extraverted Intuition

You are: A true wordsmith - a master of words Original, spontaneous, and a true inspiration Highly energetic, up for any challenge Entertaining and engaging, both to friends and strangers

What's Your Personality Cluster?

You Can Change Your Life

You've probably already improved your life a great deal, and you're no stranger to change. You're able to make very difficult changes in your life. It's all about state of mind. And even if you have some trouble changing, you're smart enough to get support or take a different approach. So go ahead and dare to make things better. You know you can do it!

Can You Change Your Life?

You Belong in Paris

You enjoy all that life has to offer, and you can appreciate the fine tastes and sites of Paris. You're the perfect person to wander the streets of Paris aimlessly, enjoying architecture and a crepe.

What European City Do You Belong In?

Linkin Park

I have fallen in love with one of the songs from Linkin Park's latest cd, Shadow of the Day. It has a little U2 feel over it.


I close both locks below the window
I close both blinds and turn away
sometimes solutions aren't so simple
sometimes goodbye's the only way

and the sun will set for you
the sun will set for you
and the shadow of the day
will embrace the world in grey
and the sun will set for you

incards and flowers on your window
your friends all plead for you to stay
sometimes beginnings aren't so simple
sometimes goodbye's the only way

and the shadow after day
will embrace the world in grey
and the sun will set for you


You will hear it soon enough and maybe understand what I mean)))

I have been out enjoying the beautiful weather in Oslo today with Cath. Sitting on a bench waiting for the train, I wrote a little with the thought of a slug for today. Here's what I wrote:

"I am thinking about what to do this summer every single day now. Not every single minute but close enough. Now the trap is that it stays on the thinking level. It is a necessary step, but I have a tendency to stay there. That it ends up with the idea of doing something. But I feel a shift too. I feel more determined to put my ideas into being, into the world. It's a strange sensation. It is almost like my aura is cleansed and giving way for a new beginning where I can begin to release my creativity. I am also starting to let go of the future. There's no use in planning too much. Maybe doing that will close another door because I am so focused on what I have planned."

There is a chance that we have a tendency to think things to death. Somehow we stop ourselves before we even get started. We think about where to begin, but maybe there is no place to begin. It is just starting and letting the road show itself to us? When I think about it, it sounds so good, but doing it is something else. I feel that I don't get down into anything. It is just words. What is it that I want to say? What is important? Is it having the dream or is it making the dream come alive? Maybe it is both. I was thinking about it. I know I want to write, but I don't know in what form the writing will come. And for now I am fine with it. I am fine with not knowing, but that doesn't mean that I won't write. I love writing. Just letting myself go like now, writing these slugs, I love it. Just not trying to think about what to write, just write what lies at the end of my fingertips in a way. I like that. And the more I do it, the more clearly things will become. I still write about the same things, nothing changes but I still love it. Just seeing the words float unto the screen. Letting myself go. I will continue to explore. Not putting a name on anything. Just writing.

Your Personality is Very Rare (INFP)

Your personality type is dreamy, romantic, elegant, and expressive. Only about 5% of all people have your personality, including 6% of all women and 4% of all men You are Introverted, Intuitive, Feeling, and Perceiving.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

I was just thinking about maybe making a kind of soundtrack. Songs that make stories appear and maybe out of them there could be a continuing story... I at least have to find something that could bring out something to work on. Maybe that is what I need to do this summer. Figure out what I want to write about. I was ask the question not long ago what I want to write. And my answer was a mix between Tolkien, Helen Fielding (Bridget Jones) and Paulo Coelho. That could definitely be interesting:) Tolkien bringing the fantastic and the imagination into the work, Bridget Jones with the funny and often strange way of viewing life, and Paulo Coelho with the more mysterious and spiritual part.

Maybe I should find some songs and put them on my MP3 player, and listen to them over and over. And then make a document for each of them and just try to develop some short stories from each of them... Maybe. It would be an experiement and something to work with. Maybe there would be some similarities. Remember I told you about that Gåte song, Liti Kjersti. That I wanted to write something that felt like that song. Different songs put you in different moods. I love to have some sort of soundtrack... It would be a good experiment at least. And a way to try to tap into my imagination.

I know I love the extraordinary. I love symbols and the search for the extraordinary, those deeper things that makes life come alive.

I wrote this sentence the other day: It's something so great that once you've seen it, you'll never be the same again. I guess that is why I am so fascinated by the spiritual and sacredness of this world. Because there are so many things in the world that we cannot understand but still there is so much we can sense and many people (including myself) doubt it and think that maybe it is only in their heads. That their mind is playing tricks on them. There are so many stories told of ordinary people experiencing strange and unexplainable things that I believe it cannot be a mindtrick. There is something great out there. And inside of us all. I want to explore the unknown worlds, the unknown dimension of this world. I think I have known what I want to write about for years, I just need to find out how. I just have to experiment with it. Maybe that is why I so often end up writing what is going on inside the characters head, because that is where my stories are... I don't know.

But one thing I do know is that I will eventually figure it out. It gives me such pleasure just sitting in front of the computer writing this. I love to write. I am passionate about it. And I just need to do it, and eventually I will get a "homerun"... Then every story I have will come out and manifest itself. I need to believe so:) IT IS NOT JUST A DREAM. IT IS REALITY. MY REALITY...

You Are Impressionism

You think the world is quite beautiful, especially if you look at it in new and interesting ways. You tend to focus on color and movement in art. For you, seeing the big picture is much more important than recording every little detail. You can find inspiration anywhere... especially from nature.

What Art Movement Are You?

I know what to do this summer...

I have two things I want to do this summer, and one thing I have to do.

The things I want to do is:
make art and write.

The thing I have to do is to clean up my appartment and make it into a place of creativity and tranquility, make it into a home.

These things should be manageable. I cannot put of making my appartment a home anymore. I need to have an environment which works for me and not against me. I think it is making me tired and without energy. It is holding me back. It is a symbol of what has been and it stops me from moving forward... That is perhaps the most important task for summer.

In painting, I would love to paint more human figures. Doesn't have to be the most figurative, but still bodies and faces.

I still don't know about what I want to write. Had I known that I would have started already. So I guess what I want to do is try to get a clearer picture on what it might be.