It will be absolutely divine to go back to "ordinary" life again. You know, taking the course and feeling that I am moving forward again. The difference is of course that now I have taken writing with me. I am ready for everything to move forward. This summer has been both good and bad.
I had set three goals. But I only managed to do one of them. Writing. I wanted to write a hundred pages, and I have done so. So I guess I should be pleased. And I am. I truly am. Nothing is better than feeling unstuck on some part of your life. Right now I heard Bilbo's words in my head: "I think I'm quite ready for another adventure." And I guess I am. I feel that writing is about to take another turn, and I have no idea of where it will lead me. But I don't care. I am just waiting to see where it will go. Because I am ready for another adventure! Yeah!! *Clapping hands madly*
I bet many of my blogs will be filled with writing. Perhaps some of what I write, but alot of pondering about what I feel when I write. I will just write whatever comes to mind. I have different kinds of writing. This blog, my daily pages, and hopefully getting down to ideas about what I want to write. Oh, and I almost forgot...:) Letters... Maybe seriously think about writing more poems and shorter kinds of stuff. I am just looking forward to growing as a writer. I am just going to learn to go with the flow.
To think that it is only just after midnight and I am actually preparing for bed. I must say that I am a little nervous about if I am going to be able to get up tomorrow morning... I mean I slept for the entire course period today... Kind of strange to think that I will get home about an hour and a half after I got up this morning... lol. I will probably be sooo tired tomorrow morning. Or maybe I won't because I will be so excited to get back and to see the new faces that are joining the course... But I will be dead tired on Wednesday instead because the drive that anticipation gives you wear out pretty quickly... If there isn't this really cute boy in the course that will be absolutely worth coming for:) But I have my doubts about that. But there is still hope. Even though it will be crushed tomorrow))) I guess hope and crushed are a bit strong in this sense;) I won't die or anything.
I am beginning to feel like Bridget... The old mad spinster:) But I guess we have a lot to learn from dear Bridget... Talking about learning from someone... Still not quite sure what Vincent van Gogh has to tell me... The letters from the first chapter isn't really revealing anything, but I will continue. Should probably just a little forward in the book. That is what the gut feeling is telling me... So I probably should. After he decides to become an artist or something... In July of 1879... I should probably see about beginning there, but it seems so unfair to his earlier life as an art dealer and such:) I don't know... Kind of fun to see how his thoughts develop around art too, and what the man has to say. But one things for sure. I have developed a great compassion for the man Vincent:) And I am still so thrilled about finding out more about him. And I will probably continue to write about it in blogs...
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label writing. Show all posts
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Thursday, May 31, 2007
I am ready
Today I will start my summer's body of work. I will make my way through disbelief and doubt, and come victorous on the other side. It is all about the search. I think sometimes I get too distracted with the goal of doing art and writing, that sometimes the process and the road is lost and then I get all confused and frustrated and then I often enough give up. I am beyond giving up now. I don't want to worry about what has not happened yet, and get my focus right. Take the chance of letting myself fall into the depth of the imagination and creativity.
I want to play around with words. Find the big words and the small ones in between. I want to explore the sacred realms of my world, hunt for some meaning of everything that has happened. I want to give colours to a white canvas, shape them into the images of my heart. I want to let my heart take flight and free myself of my fear. I want to become more of myself. I want to feel inspiration fill me up within, and may it be so clear and strong that I can no longer ignore it. May I get a little closer in finding my purpose. May I find my secret longings and find the true heart that is required by the Seeker of the Grail. May I wander into the lands in the mist and venture from there with treasure beyond measure of gold and money.
The colours are blue and green.
The words are sacred femininity.
The Warrior and the Priestess melting together.
The Earth and the Heavens.
The balance between mind and spirit.
We are one, the warrior and the priestess...
I am feeling a warmth in my heart and stomach. Like if I only let go a little everything will shift and the thick fog will become a little lighter and I will see more clearly. My third eye will spring open like a lotus flower. The light will become more brightly and I will know. The angels are here. I found a white feather in my bed today. A sign that my guardian angel is here supporting me. And that where I am going today is on the right path. Now I am ready to step out on the path, I am ready to become the ring-bearer. I am ready.
I want to play around with words. Find the big words and the small ones in between. I want to explore the sacred realms of my world, hunt for some meaning of everything that has happened. I want to give colours to a white canvas, shape them into the images of my heart. I want to let my heart take flight and free myself of my fear. I want to become more of myself. I want to feel inspiration fill me up within, and may it be so clear and strong that I can no longer ignore it. May I get a little closer in finding my purpose. May I find my secret longings and find the true heart that is required by the Seeker of the Grail. May I wander into the lands in the mist and venture from there with treasure beyond measure of gold and money.
The colours are blue and green.
The words are sacred femininity.
The Warrior and the Priestess melting together.
The Earth and the Heavens.
The balance between mind and spirit.
We are one, the warrior and the priestess...
I am feeling a warmth in my heart and stomach. Like if I only let go a little everything will shift and the thick fog will become a little lighter and I will see more clearly. My third eye will spring open like a lotus flower. The light will become more brightly and I will know. The angels are here. I found a white feather in my bed today. A sign that my guardian angel is here supporting me. And that where I am going today is on the right path. Now I am ready to step out on the path, I am ready to become the ring-bearer. I am ready.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
About writing again:)
Again, I wait until the clock draws near to 23.59 to start writing. One hour left or so when I start writing, but I do write better in the evening and night. It is my creative time.
It is strange that every time I sit down to write I feel empty, like there is nothing at all there. But if I feel closer, reach down into the well, it is like there is some kind of lid over it. I have just barely opened it. And yet every time I try to reach down there, I am stopped by some invisible but soft wall. Like something has put a spell on my creativity, or what I would like to think: maybe the time has not come yet. But that is a lie I think I try to tell myself to make it okay to not do anything. Because one of the journeys I am going on is through words. That I know for sure. I just have to be brave and take a leap of faith. I enjoy writing here. Daring to let the word come has they want to...
It is like a journey, like running in darkened corridors of the mind. Not quite knowing what to expect next, not knowing what is lurking around the next corner. And at the same time, I want to just not find out. I want to sit down, find a safe place, and stay put, not move an inch, not move one single muscle. Just close my eyes and let everything go blank and dark. I don't want to dare to look. Sometimes I want to become numb and just stay outside life itself, and not be engaged in anything at all. That is safe, playing it safe. And it is becoming a coward. I am not a coward. So it is a problem. I don't want the normal things. I like not wanting normal things. I like it and it scares me too.
But what I feel the most is excitement. It wonderful feeling of writing words that makes sense. Kick and scream, cry and laugh, run and fly, love and hate, all the emotions that goes into writing. Yes, I do write best when I write about emotions and feelings and the inner life of either myself or some character-like person. But that is a good thing, because I think maybe people will be more touched by the innerlife rather than what a character is doing. There has to be some emotion that people can say, "Yes, I know how that feels like." Maybe that is why I want to become a writer. Maybe I should start by writing about the inner life of my characters. I can after all re-write the context again and again. There is nothing stopping me but me. I am my worst enemy. I need to get past being scared shitless:)
It is strange how the inner mess start to disappear and with it, it seems like I am getting more control over what I need to do in my flat to create a more cleaner environment for my writing. I am taking it as slow as possible. I have never been fast at anything that has some kind of emotional hook. It will still take some time I think, and not every day is alike. Some are unproductive. But I am getting there. Slowly, but steadily. With changing my life, with my writing and my art work. I do believe that I have something to say to the world, and that there will be people listening when I do dare to speak up. That is what I believe deep down. That is my purpose. To help people find themselves through my words and art work, by inspiring them to become all they can be.
It is strange that every time I sit down to write I feel empty, like there is nothing at all there. But if I feel closer, reach down into the well, it is like there is some kind of lid over it. I have just barely opened it. And yet every time I try to reach down there, I am stopped by some invisible but soft wall. Like something has put a spell on my creativity, or what I would like to think: maybe the time has not come yet. But that is a lie I think I try to tell myself to make it okay to not do anything. Because one of the journeys I am going on is through words. That I know for sure. I just have to be brave and take a leap of faith. I enjoy writing here. Daring to let the word come has they want to...
It is like a journey, like running in darkened corridors of the mind. Not quite knowing what to expect next, not knowing what is lurking around the next corner. And at the same time, I want to just not find out. I want to sit down, find a safe place, and stay put, not move an inch, not move one single muscle. Just close my eyes and let everything go blank and dark. I don't want to dare to look. Sometimes I want to become numb and just stay outside life itself, and not be engaged in anything at all. That is safe, playing it safe. And it is becoming a coward. I am not a coward. So it is a problem. I don't want the normal things. I like not wanting normal things. I like it and it scares me too.
But what I feel the most is excitement. It wonderful feeling of writing words that makes sense. Kick and scream, cry and laugh, run and fly, love and hate, all the emotions that goes into writing. Yes, I do write best when I write about emotions and feelings and the inner life of either myself or some character-like person. But that is a good thing, because I think maybe people will be more touched by the innerlife rather than what a character is doing. There has to be some emotion that people can say, "Yes, I know how that feels like." Maybe that is why I want to become a writer. Maybe I should start by writing about the inner life of my characters. I can after all re-write the context again and again. There is nothing stopping me but me. I am my worst enemy. I need to get past being scared shitless:)
It is strange how the inner mess start to disappear and with it, it seems like I am getting more control over what I need to do in my flat to create a more cleaner environment for my writing. I am taking it as slow as possible. I have never been fast at anything that has some kind of emotional hook. It will still take some time I think, and not every day is alike. Some are unproductive. But I am getting there. Slowly, but steadily. With changing my life, with my writing and my art work. I do believe that I have something to say to the world, and that there will be people listening when I do dare to speak up. That is what I believe deep down. That is my purpose. To help people find themselves through my words and art work, by inspiring them to become all they can be.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
It's all about writing inbetween the nothing
I am in the nothing-to-say-mood. Or maybe I don't know where to start)) I haven't written much in the past weeks, only on the train on my way to the computer course. I don't think it's because I have been uninspired, but that I don't want to write a few lines on something and then start another and end up with getting nothing done... Writing without purpose in a way. I have done that a lot and it never worked, never got my writing anywhere. I love the poems I have written of course. They have meaning. I am throwing away lots and lots of pages that never got anywhere. I have done it. And it didn't work. I need to change the way I work with my writing, my creativity and my imagination.
I like writing slugs though. It gives me the chance to write with some kind of purpose. And there is something nice about knowing that you will read it. And it gives me a chance to shake something of that overthinking that can come in the way of the free flow of words. I know I possess it somewhere deep inside. I guess it has to do with that dream thing. Not writing will keep the dream that I have what it takes still. I am keeping the dream alive instead of making the dream come reality.... So here I sit thinking about a future with writing instead of making that future come true today.
My wall is still rather empty. No new pictures, but I haven't taken anything down either. So "I am a writer" is still up there... Still too small though. I don't know what else to put up there. I should probably sit down and think about how I want my life to be or try to get a clearer idea about it anyway. Something. I guess I sometimes feel a little purposeless... I have to give my life purpose. The only thing I have to do is to figure out what it is. Maybe not for the rest of my life but at least for some years.
We do this a lot. Talk about what we should do, but we never seems to get around to doing something about it. At least I feel that is what I have been doing. The strange thing is that when you start to get a clear view, things start happening faster than we can imagine. That is sometimes just as scary. If we want things to change, it will change. But we need to know how we want it to change. In details. I guess maybe that change is in the details. And if we know that the universe will work with us to make it come true. That is both the positive and the negative. It's like when we say we are stuck. Then we will continue to be stuck because that is what we ask for in a way. There is so many things to consider really... *sigh*))) But in it all, it is quite fun to figure things out. Quite exciting really:)
I like writing slugs though. It gives me the chance to write with some kind of purpose. And there is something nice about knowing that you will read it. And it gives me a chance to shake something of that overthinking that can come in the way of the free flow of words. I know I possess it somewhere deep inside. I guess it has to do with that dream thing. Not writing will keep the dream that I have what it takes still. I am keeping the dream alive instead of making the dream come reality.... So here I sit thinking about a future with writing instead of making that future come true today.
My wall is still rather empty. No new pictures, but I haven't taken anything down either. So "I am a writer" is still up there... Still too small though. I don't know what else to put up there. I should probably sit down and think about how I want my life to be or try to get a clearer idea about it anyway. Something. I guess I sometimes feel a little purposeless... I have to give my life purpose. The only thing I have to do is to figure out what it is. Maybe not for the rest of my life but at least for some years.
We do this a lot. Talk about what we should do, but we never seems to get around to doing something about it. At least I feel that is what I have been doing. The strange thing is that when you start to get a clear view, things start happening faster than we can imagine. That is sometimes just as scary. If we want things to change, it will change. But we need to know how we want it to change. In details. I guess maybe that change is in the details. And if we know that the universe will work with us to make it come true. That is both the positive and the negative. It's like when we say we are stuck. Then we will continue to be stuck because that is what we ask for in a way. There is so many things to consider really... *sigh*))) But in it all, it is quite fun to figure things out. Quite exciting really:)
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