The Dream......

What inspires me? Everything basically... That is the problem isn't it. I can't decide on what I want to write about. Nothing calls me specifically. I am just going round in circles. Trying to begin something, unable to see it through, see where it leads me. I can't seem to get it together. Now I know, I have to figure out how to get on with it. And I will. I have made progress. I am about to see the cleaning through. That isn't done half-hearted anymore. And I don't think I will start this writing half-hearted either. Like I've maybe done in the past.

I have perhaps not dared to write because I have been after to kill the dream. And by not writing I have kept the dream of becoming a writer alive. Paulo Coelho wrote that in the Zahir, and it so felt familiar. That's what I had been doing. I think I have been writing enough to kinda keep the urge satisfied, but I have not been serious about anything that I put in words. A couple of poems now and then, but for the most part rubbish that it didn't take a lot to throw away, some of it I didn't even bother to read to check if there was an idea there. It wouldn't be. And I don't give it a second thought. I know this time will be different, because now I don't just write to get my "fix". I write because I want it to mean something, to create something bigger something that is a part of something bigger. I am seriously going after my dream. And I dare to see if the dream will be crushed or if it will come alive. I am thinking that it will be. I have to believe it. The dream will come true.

There is no hidden mystery to writing. It is just doing it. The magic is in what you let get through. It is about letting yourself surprise yourself. It's about loving the characters you meet along the way. I have to let them get through, letting them find me, letting them speak. I know one thing. They have to be a little magical:) I can't write mundane stories. I have to let them be a little out of the ordinary. I don't know. All of a sudden all of this paragraph feels like talk, nothing else... I guess I really don't know what I want to say at all. I am totally in the dark with everything. Nothing seems understandable at all. I am totally lost. To tell the truth. I am lost:)

I guess getting unlost is part of the next stage this summer... But how to do that? I have to chew on that one a day or so... But I love that I get a chance to find out. It is really like finding a treasure. I am going on a treasurehunt. Pirate style. What was it that we said again about being pirates... I think it was from our meeting two weeks ago... Do you remember? I only remember that it was something about pirates... Something about being like Jack Sparrow...

"The cleaning stuff"

I am in a strange mood... A couple of days ago I felt that there was no end to the cleaning. And now I see the end... I am filled with a feeling of both joy and horror. I have been having this hanging over my head for so long now that I wonder how I am going to react when it is finally done... What will it feel like? How will I react? It has been sort of like a symbol for the cleaning inside. A symbol of the old way I have lived my life... I don't know how I will react. One thing I am proud of is that I said I do it and I am doing it. That shows a will that is about to be healed.

Of course, cleaning never really ends does it... There is such a thing as maintaining the cleanness;) I guess that's why I find it so incredibly boring. The constant repetition of the same thing... What is fun with that, eh:)

It really is nice to see that all my labour is bearing some kind of fruits. I kind of like it. I have done a little every day and I am seeing that maybe by next week I can see an end to the worst))) I love it and am kinda looking forward to seeing what is on the other side of it...

As always is it hard to start writing. Feeling that there is nothing to write, but knowing that there is a whole world just waiting to be discovered....

I have to be careful now. July is already here. And it will go fast and soon it will be august... Still no progress in determining what I want to write about. Feels almost impossible to get how one starts something that can go further than just a couple of pages or three. How do you determine what you want to write about?

How do you go about finding the path? How to you find the heart of a story? How do you track it down...

Can I ever really believe anything... Sometimes I watch myself from the outside. I see someone who is trying, but are still afraid. When it really matters, she gets frightened and creep back into the shadows. I don't want to be that girl anymore, that frightened girl who is scared of herself and all the passion she feels. I am tired of denying myself life. It's what I have done for so long. "Come out, come out, whoever you are." (Watching Queen of the Damned or something... Adapted from some Anne Rice book, with the Aragorn that got fired, thank goodness. Sorta clouds my mind a little bit, with vampires and all, making me a little dark, he he;))

The darkening of the mind. Melancholy. Shadows and darkness... Fun))
But yet I cannot completely grasp it either... I guess it is duality. Light and darkness; good and evil... One can't exist without the other...

The darkening...

I am here...

I wrote this today:

And now
as I turn another page in my story
I feel hope renewed
I am here
and I am alive
in this moment where I take
a step into the unknown
I am here
alone with myself
My journey and adventure is to find the fragments of my story
The quest to put them back together
I am here
at the beginning of my story

It is a fact. When you begin to feel good about yourself and your life, there will always be that certain someone who tries to bring every thing down again. I wonder why some people think they can say anything they want. Especially parents. My mother has one of her fits again. Because she has decided to take on things. She wants to go further, and then decides that I have to do it as well. Those words she can say... I can't understand it. I guess I have come to far into the light, so she has to try to drag me down again. For goodness sake, it is unbelievable. It is her choice to do these thing. Not mine.

But this time it is going to be different. I am not going to allow her to drag me down. I try to observe my feelings. It is not my fault. She managed to make a big deal out of this microphone and the mouse I got from her. Like I made her buy them. Telling me to enjoy being in my own world. She's had enough. All this on two text messages.

A part of me wants to cry, another don't won't her to have the pleasure of hurting me again. I just have to realize that she will always be like this. You know, if I went to London, she would probably tell me that I didn't care about her, only myself... Anything that I like is under attack when it suits her. It is her problem. I have to tell myself that. I want to take back the power. I want to take back the control. It is my life and I choose what I want in it. I am actually feeling that the hurt is turning into anger. I feel angry now.

I am so fed up with that side of her. She always, always try to make me feel bad about something when I don't do what she wants me to do. Then she blabs on about respect!! Now I say, what you give is what you get... I think I am more determined than ever to make this summer great. No matter what happens. I am going to get out of this dump my life has gotten into. I have to concentrate on me. On living my life. And what she doesn't seem to understand, is that I am actually trying to get a life. It is like she is so scared of not being a part of that life, that the only way she unconsciously think she can be part of it is to make me feel miserable, and make me feel bad. I know there is no use in talking to her about it, because she will always twist it around. I can't say to her that she should look at herself before attacking me. I can't say that these things are her battles and not mine. The work that was done on the appartment, and my grandmother. I would do anything to sort out the mess around my grandmother, but she is turning it into so much. And drags me down because I cannot go around thinking about all of it 24/7. And because I don't, she translate it into not caring. And I have to be there and always say the right thing, because if I don't I get these text messages... I felt it coming the moment I heard the phone pep. Here we go, I thought, and lo and behold I was right!!

I am really letting everything come out now. I just want to get it out of my system, turn off the computer and go to bed and read. And be done with this day. I am not going to answer those messages. I know that nothing good will come of it, and it will only make matters worse. It is better to have an argument about not answering that saying something and letting her twist it around... She always does that. I am so looking forward to getting back to working. To be finacially independent again. I think I will rather work my butt off than having these things crushing down on me. But I know it will not end there... There will always be something... If I start to work and am not able to visit her or do things, she will turn that around too. Saying that she was right, I only came to visit her because of the money she would give me. Always making me feel bad about my situation. Always. There is always some kind of twist somewhere along the line. Always something.

You know, I am actually wondering if a comment I had on thursday did the trick. When I said that I was sensing and feeling that I was getting better, that I was getting stronger than ever, made this come. I truly think it did. I actually think she expect me to fix these things for her, take control of the situations she creates... You know, maybe she is right in a way. Maybe I do come for the moneysupport. Because sometimes I feel that is the only support she has given me.

This is turning out to be a rather sad slug:)) I should probably have written it in a journal instead. I will probably maybe delete it later. I am going to bed now)))

Thought I'd let Nicky have some lime light:) My adorable little cat:D
I have a surprise for you tomorrow;)

The test went well, only that damn one mistake... So now I have my summer vaction all in front of me. Two months with cleaning and writing and perhaps some painting and drawing. Well, I don't want to use two month on my cleaning though... Hopefully as quick as possible...))) But the writing starts tomorrow. Right now I am tired and my head hurts so I am going to bed before a headache really takes hold.

Looking forward to talk to you tomorrow;)

I hate the Lost guys for killing Charlie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wild protests!!!

Maybe there will be a movie worth seeing if you come to visit me December... The Golden Compass. I have never heard of the books before but it looks interesting enough))) I hope it will be shown at the Colosseum:)

Beginnings


Life is a series of cycles and a time of rebirth is indicated for you.

This may mean a new phase in a relationship, the germination of a fresh idea or the development of qualities in you like laughter, light or hope. It may herald a total change.

Do not be afraid to let go of the familiar for the new cannot enter until the old and outworn has departed.

Your angel guidance is to accept the new for it will be welcome when it arrives.

Birth is a vulnerable time. The fragile life force needs to be protected and nurtured within you. Ask the angels to guide the new beginnings in your life safely to maturity.

Affirmation: I welcome and nurture the new in my life.

From the site of Diana Cooper. Angel cards.

Hoooooooooooooooooooooot

It is soooo hot now. The apartment is overheated and it is really sticky, even now one hour after midnight. Being at the computer course today was hell. I fell asleep when I came home, but Cath called after one hour or so thank goodness, or I would probably have slept and slept and been completely out of it. I hope it will be cooler and that we'll have some beautiful rain soon.

I feel a little slow tonight, sluggish. I know that I can't go to sleep yet, so I thought I'd let you inspire me and watch King Arthur:) It's a long time since I saw it too. It's been a couple of hours since I wrote the first paragraph and it is still hot!! I really don't think there will come any words of wisdom from my mind tonight:) It's like all it says is hot hot hot. System shot down. Too hot. Warning warning....:D

I am tired and going to bed very soon now. But I thought I should write something since I didn't get around doing it yesterday. The whole apartment is still hot and sticky. I have a huge blister underneath my foot. My arms har hurting. Complaining a lot:) And I would probably continue to complain if I wrote anything more... So I leave it for today...

IV

There is something peaceful and exciting about sitting and trying to calm down. Pictures starts to roll onto the screen of the mind. I had to scatch my nose real bad. Then I stood in a long hallway looking at myself in the far end, a lone figure in white in the darkness. It felt like there was a storm coming. Like a thunderstorm or something was coming. There was something in the air, like it was electric. Then I started to think about being pregnant. Which really doesn't fit anything I was thinking about at all. But symbolically it should mean that I am letting something new come into being. It all fits really. I tried to bring myself back into the corridor and I saw ripped curtains blowing frantically in the wind, doors smacking shot behind me. And me running past the observer-me, but I wasn't scared. More like I was freeing myself by running. Then there was someone shouting outside my window and I didn't bother to try to shut them out... It would just lead to unnecessary irritation so I got back here to write....

III

Who I am... I feel like there are two versions of me. The-larger-than-life me and the small and unimportant one. Lately I have felt the first person emerge more and more. I feel beautiful and strong, mysterious and gentle, powerful and a little wicked. I feel like I am destined for great things, that I have a purpose that is far beyond what I can comprehend, like I have traveled through time and space to be here on earth at this moment in time. That I have a task that I am preparing for. But at the same time I am doubtful even now as I write these words. And yet I know that I am to the extent that I sometimes have perhaps felt a little "above" other people struggling with "normal" problems. I love what a woman said to me once: "You give an impression of being open, but I can sense that there is much more underneath and that makes me curious about you." That is me. Like the ocean, open and vast, but underneath there are endless depth of unknown things...............

II

The past... the sum of what has made me what I am today. I think in many ways I have come to terms with it, but I still have difficulty letting go of what it has done to me. I think that is one of my biggest problems. The insecurity and the feeling of not being good enough, and that I am throwing my life away on meaningless things, that those things I love is meaningless. That is perhaps why I struggle so much with becoming who I was meant to be. That part of me that is great and that part of me that is such a big loser has this enormous gap between them that I have not been able to bridge yet. I still get a little messed up... It's like I am believing that this summer will be a new beginning, but at the same time there is a voice already seeing that at the end of august things will still be the same. Right now that scares me more than writing crappy things. Not trying. I want this more than ever and I am more scared than ever before. I kinda feel like there is no other chance now. That I have used up so much time reliving what I cannot do anything about. That I have stopped myself from being who I was meant to be for too long. It has taken me three years of depression and total lack of energy to come to this point, and I don't ever want to go back there again. Not that deep into total blackness. I want to become my own friend, and not be my worst enemy. I want to accept myself and all the beautiful things I am capable of doing. I want to believe in myself. And not be my past. I want to become my future. I want to become my dream.

I

Letting my mind be still... What a difficult task. All noises seem to get louder, so does my thoughts. My body gets heavy. From one place to another without focus. I try to focus, but I can't. I try to breathe. I don't know where to start. Calling my purpose to the front. Having expectations for the summer. Wanting to do so much, afraid it will turn into nothing. Once again.

Lunchbreak

Lunchbreak. It is way too hot now. Feel like I am melting... Like my brain is melting. The room I am in now is overheated. Complain complain complain))) I swore that I would not complain about summer, but I can't help myself. A week ago it was still rather cold. Not wintercold, but there was a coolness in the air even if the sun was out. But now it is tropical:D

Yesterday I bought a notebook that I have dedicated to the summer work. I am planning to use it to write fictional, or at least I am going to try. Write a story like I mentioned in a previous slug. The biographical fictional story. The dream me. I don't know if it will work, but I am keeping an open mind. The first "chapter" I have called The Doorway between the Known and the Unknown. I am going to try to sum up a little bit about life and talk about the past. I still think the door is the past and the lock is a symbol of letting the past be what it is and unlocking the door might mean that I will stay in the past. I think it means that I have managed to come to terms with my own past, and maybe without knowing it I have put it behind this door, but I have been unable to walk away with it. Like there is an invisible bond between me and that locked door that no matter what I have wanted, no matter how much I have wanted to move on I have been unable to do that. Until now...

But I still think it is crucial that I honour my past. It is a part of me and it has made me what I am, good or bad. But it doesn't determine my future. Let what needs to die, die peacefully.

I know this part well. I have been here and wandered around in this field for so long. That's why I have to create a gateway into the unknown. I need to explore the unknown. I need to except me for what I am. And not let me scare myself shitless again, at least not let me overcome myself. The battle of the ego against the task that lies ahead. My will has been broken but I am putting it back together again, bit by bit. And I am doing it with care this time. No half measures. This time it is for real. I have put my life on hold for the last time. No more...

It sometimes feel like I have gotten rid of a lot of weight. I feel so much lighter, so much more hopeful. There are still some burdens left. I still can feel blue and I will never get rid of my melancholy (tungsinn:). It is a natural part of me, and it is also highly creative. And I find it somewhat romantic too)))) I think we all have those times in our lives when we feel a little sad, but the key is not to be overcome with grief. And to use the sadness for what it is worth, be creative and not sad.

I was thinking about how much "stuff" I would have if I had a printer attached to my brain:) The way my mind works sometimes is funny. The stories that I make up are out there somewhere. I sometimes have to stop myself and pull myself back to reality. It is too funny. Especially when I worry about something; I can blow it completely out of proportions. It's like Bridget Jones and her constant battle with those extra pounds:D She hears people talking about her on the train station and the speaker voice talking about her and so on. Only I get a visual image of things happening. A comment can turn into war world III basically:)) Well, I haven't begun a war just get.....:) I guess I have pulled myself back before that happens...:D Anyways, it would have been fun to make notes on everything that is going on inside my head at times... Maybe I have to get used to using my imagination from now on. I known that I have it, but perhaps I don't know how to use it well. I guess one of the reasons I feel like it starts with me is that I always make up stories where I am involved in the different situations. So instead of fighting that, I am going to try and use it. To see where it leads. I will meet characters and things on that journey that I might use for later. That is kinda what my intention is. To take the path down the imagination.

Class begins again:)

I doubt there will be anything useful in this slug:) I am really, really tired. Been running around all day. But the good news is that I'll be here tomorrow)) The party is on Saturday evening)) So we can have our inkling meeting... Be really creative:D

Nope, not the longest slug I have ever written. Now I have to go to bed, but I will hopefully be speak to you tomorrow)))

I am having way too much fun with taking these tests;) Posting way too many))) I have however written something today... Way down on the page somewhere.....

You scored as Albus Dumbledore, Strong and powerful you admirably defend your world and your charges against those who would seek to harm them. However sometimes you can fail to do what you must because you care too much to cause suffering. Albus Dumbledore 90% Hermione Granger 65% Harry Potter 65% Severus Snape 60% Remus Lupin 60% Ginny Weasley 55% Sirius Black 55% Ron Weasley 50% Draco Malfoy 50% Lord Voldemort 20% Your Harry Potter Alter Ego Is...? created with QuizFarm.com

You scored as Angel, Angel: Angels are the guardians of all things, from the smallest ant to the tallest tree. They give inspiration, love, hope, and positive emotion. They live among humans without being seen. They are the good in all things, and if you feel alone, don't fear. They are always watching. Often times they merely stand by, whispering into the ears of those who feel lost. They would love nothing more then to reveal themselves, but in today's society, this would bring havoc and many unneeded questions. Give thanks to all things beautiful, for you are an Angel. Angel 92% Faerie 75% Mermaid 42% WereWolf 25% Dragon 0% Demon 0% What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!) created with QuizFarm.com