I feel the wind on my fingertips
a restless energy that spreads through me
bursting me open
cracking the stone shell
life is a dance
of beautiful movements
grace and power
sometimes there is no other choice
than to follow the rhythm
I become the wind

I am getting better again)) Certainly maybe the cold is letting go and the pollen is going away from the air (and on top of that I got my period today, which explains alot too;)). Today, after my dentist appointment (which was nothing short of horrible, and the worst is yet to come...), I went and bought three canvases, a strip off palette, and a painting knife (really needed a new one). I love a good bargin:) The three canvases came in a package for about $32. At least a good start on the project; you have to have the material to work with.

I walked down to the city today which I am glad I did. I haven't been outside walking in a long time. I hope I can get my body moving again.

Now for the writing... Pew, it is proving rather difficult to write. But I will get there, if not tonight, maybe tomorrow))) But I am going around it in my mind, trying to find plots and "nice" things to write about. I am not that worried, because it is a nice change to have one particular thing to focus on. That way my mind isn't spread over a hundred different things I could write about. I have decided to do the writing in the I-person. I've decided on a name for my main character. And a few other details:) I am in high spirits:) It is after all a project that is going to help us to focus more, and actually do what we set out to do. I don't expect miracles, so I am pleased that I have begun:)

I am having difficulties starting this story:) Not that I had ever thought it would be easy. Everything is going according to plan I guess. It is such a difficult step to take sitting down to write. I am pushing it before me. I don't think I have a grasp on what I want to write about. None whatsoever. I think I've started and deleted a hundred times now))) You are suppose to have some idea, right? lol... I am absolutely clueless...

I guess it will take some time to get the idea out. But I will not give up. Looking at old documents... I have not gotten far at all... Maybe because I have tried, but never really committed to it. I will try again tomorrow. I think you can only do so much. I have to decide on some things:)

This is still an important issue... And still something to think about... Love this add or whatever you can call it...

My thoughts goes out to the people in Burma that is suffering double, just because their leaders are power-sick people... Let us hope that the world will not stand down because of "playing nice"... The people of Burma needs food and medicine and clean water now... It is not time for politics. And to the people of China that has been affected by the earthquake.

And I guess it is time we still take to honour our commitment in ending extreme poverty sooner rather than too late...

Lord Byron - Solitude

To sit on rocks, to muse o'er flood and fell,
To slowly trace the forest's shady scene,
Where things that own not man's dominion dwell,
And mortal foot hath ne'er or rarely been;
To climb the trackless mountain all unseen,
With the wild flock that never needs a fold;
Alone o'er steeps and foaming falls to lean;
This is not solitude, 'tis but to hold
Converse with Nature's charms, and view her stores unrolled.

But midst the crowd, the hurry, the shock of men,
To hear, to see, to feel and to possess,
And roam alone, the world's tired denizen,
With none who bless us, none whom we can bless;
Minions of splendour shrinking from distress!
None that, with kindred consciousness endued,
If we were not, would seem to smile the less
Of all the flattered, followed, sought and sued;
This is to be alone; this, this is solitude!

I wrote this today:

We are
Nothing more
Nothing less
We are what we are
What else could there be
Than a deeper understanding of our own beingness
We become the awakened


One can really see what is circling around in my brain nowadays)))
I guess there are more room for writing now that I have managed not to be panicking about not writing:)

The Road not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth ;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I —
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


By Robert Frost

I turned off the television early today. After LOST. It was the Desmond episode. I am actually going to miss one episode, but I don't think I care too much, since it is because I'll be in London at the time. I might think for a sort moment that LOST is on in Norway at this time, but I don't think I will shed much tears. I am however thinking what the hell is this island. It is getting weird to say the least.

I think I spend to much time with noise around me. Right now, I don't have the tv on nor any music. The only sound is from my computer; a monotone sound that can easily fade into the background. It is strange how thoughts come then. The deeper thoughts at that. There is so much in A new earth. So much information. I am going to buy it in paperback in London. The first day I am there if I can get to a bookstore that day. I just have to make sure that we do Oxford street or something:) I need to have it in bookform so that I am not depended on the computer to be able to read it. I am in chapter seven now. I am going to make sure that it is not just theory this time. The great thing is that it doesn't matter where you are in life or what you do. It just takes anything you believe in to another level, even if you don't believe in anything too. It is great. I really don't think I have ever read anything like it before...

I haven't fuzzed over writing in a long time. I just know I am going to write. That's all I need to know. When the time is right, I will write. Right now, there are other things I need to understand. And I do write bits and pieces now and then, but I don't obsess over it anymore. That is actually a good feeling. I write my morning pages, and whenever I feel like writing. But I don't feel bad for not writing anymore. It is a relief. I wrote some time in March that I wanted to write to the heart, not the mind. Or from the stillness behind the thoughts. I just need to find that in me and when I do, I believe that the words will come. I am changing my thoughts and emotions little by little I guess. Trying to draw my attention to the now whenever I remember it. I find writing the morning pages a good exercise, because my mind tends to wander away from the page. So I try to stay on the page no matter what comes out.

Oh, I found these great thin notebooks yesterday. They were exactly what I was looking for. I wanted to make a London book so to speak, where I can write my morning pages and take notes and stuff. I bought two just in case I get really creative while there. I am going to be gone in ten days, so who knows)) I get to visit a Starbucks now)) If nothing has changed since last time I stayed at Earl's Court, there is a Starbucks just by the train station, and not that far from the hotel I think. Drinking coffee and writing goes great together)))

"Lost" by David Wagoner

Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you.
If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you.

Ornaments

Oh yeah, I wanted to show you these two pictures:


The first is from Urnes Stave Church, the latter from the Oseberg ship. As you see the tradition is passed from the Viking ship to the doorframe from the Stave church from the 1130s. The Viking ship is from 8th to 9th century I think or there about. It was found as part of a great burial of a woman. You see the animal ornament in the stave church that has gotten the name Urnes-style. Just thought you might find it interesting))

I just realised that for the past three weeks, the summer saving time thingy made the Oprah and Eckhart thing one hour earlier here... Now that we have caught up with you, it is back to starting at 3 am. That is late. But the chapter about pain-body is too good to miss))) It's always something to learn. I hope I get to buy the paperback version in London since it has not yet come here. I need to continue on this journey, because I am actually seeing the "light" here:)

It is strange, but I feel like I have found the last piece to the puzzle. I sit here listening, and I understand more and more about why and what I react to. The challenge is of course to try to stay in the Now, and find Presence. I am looking forward to the challenge of being in London in 10 days with my mom. How will my pain-body/ego react, and why does it react so strongly? It is going to be work and pleasure so to speak)) Interesting challenge:)

It is one hour into the web cast now, and I am getting tired))) I am getting ready for sleep, half an hour left. I will have to see if I remember anything from today tomorrow, maybe watch some of it again. I hope they keep the web cast on the website since I will miss two classes... That is actually the only sad thing about going to London, and of course that I am going to miss Nicky like crazy:)

Tate Britain

I hope to see these paintings and more "live" when I go to London)))

Need I say more!! I am actually going to London! Not just talk this time. We bought the airplane tickets today!! I am very excited about this))) We are actually staying for 10 day))))

This is the view from my window tonight. Not very funny at all... It is freezing outside. I am sad:)

"I don't want to write for people's minds," she said. "I want to reach their hearts."

It is such an exciting time. Have you notice how the same message about something beyond our so-called regular, ego-driven selves are arising? Something is happening in the world, that's for sure. Because when I was your age, the knowledge and information was a lot less than it is today. There is a shift going on, around the world. Over 2 millions have watched the A New Earth class. It might seem like a small drop in the ocean, but if you think about the effect like rings in the water, the effect can be enormous.

I find that when I read about the ego, the more I understand that I have been more driven by it then I thought. I would even take it as far as to understanding why I have had trouble dealing with certain things in my life. The great part is that now I don't have any excuses. I have a different way of looking at it and maybe recognising it when it happens, should I become upset, angry or whatever, I can take a step back and think about why it is that I hang on to those feelings and what good they do me and then I can release them.

I gave myself a present yesterday. I bought a cd, the first one of 2008, and the honour went to none other than Michael Bublé. As I went down to my dentist appointment I listen to "Feeling good" and that was just exactly what I was feeling. I wanted to go dancing in the streets to be honest. And I thought why not, I want to by his latest cd, and I found it. And I have been listening to it. He's got an amazing voice that reaches right into my heart. I just love listening to him.

Today, I am celebrating four months of morning pages! Yeah, congratulations to me. I've managed to eat breakfast more or less one to three hours after I wake in the morning. I take my vitamins and omega-3 with my glass of orange juice, and I've added water to my list. Baby steps towards a healthier life. Next will be some small scale exercising. And I am not obsessing so much about writing. I have let go of it. I mean the obsessing, not the writing. I wrote a few lines today, that might lead somewhere... Maybe to a poem or something.

Step into the circle of light,
let me fly away into the night.
I can't make you see what I see,
but I will tell you about what's in my heart.
Rest easy in the arms of love,
let the sacred be a friend and not the enemy,
release the grievances you carry
and let all illusions die away.

It is only a beginning and very much a result of all the reading and listening I have been doing lately. Of course our writing will be reflecting what we are going through in our lives. It certainly is a great time. It's like falling in love with life again. And maybe even myself, though that will be a process:) I am my worst enemy right;)

I love sitting listening to Oprah and Eckhart live from Chicago. It is incredible to think that so many people sit at their computers listening and going into it at the same time. I love going into this material, becoming more aware of my own ego and thought-processes. We really are awakening. I am tired though))) But it is worth it. I guess now I have to go and let it sink in.

I did experience a sense of presence today, walking to the subway, just looking around me and looking. Not thinking it was trees, but watching how it was against the sky, looking at the colours and so on. And feeling my body. And gripping the metal handle, feeling the cold metal against my hand. I couldn't help smiling. It really is a good feeling:)

There are so many aha moments ahead. I can feel it))) And a feeling of this is it. It is really happening)))

The suffering I have felt doesn’t need to be. In this exact moment, what do I feel? I don’t feel like I am suffering right now, so am I suffering then?

How do I teach myself to live in the now? When I think about it, the more I understand that I am living either in the past or in the future. I worry about this that has already happened, or about things that has not yet passed. If I am afraid that I will fail in the future, will I not set myself up to fail?

There are so many thoughts in my mind right now. I am feeling that I might have a breakthrough any day. It just feels like I have to dig deeper and deeper. I don’t know what will happen at all, but I am willing to give it a chance. I will see what happens and if I actually will be able to set the past and future free…

I thought maybe I could try to post something I have written during the day here. I don't care if it is good or bad, but I like the idea to sort of validate what I do, and putting it out there, is a good thing. I like having made the decision to write more than just the morning pages. And I want to paint a little every day. Just do what I want to do in the future. Sort of bringing the future into the present...


Life is movement.
I feel like a stranger in a vortex,
caught between worlds,
stuck in limbo.
I can’t go forward,
but I can’t move backwards either.
I fall into realms
where I have never been before,
where anything can happen.
Life is movement.
It is a beginning,
a journey into myself.
I am willing to let go of the pain,
letting go of the happiness,
letting go of everything,
because nothing is as I think it is…

The Realms of the Imagination

I wrote this on February 27 as part of my write everyday plan. Just thought I would start of March on my blog.

This is what life is about, going on different journeys, discovering new things about the world and myself. I love to ponder on what the meaning of life is. All exciting things that show themselves is without a doubt worth all the pain and suffering. It has given me so much more depth in the way I live. But the time for theory is to go over to the time of action. I am developing my own philosophy.

The landscape is always changing. It is like a world of its own, somewhere that I can explore. A world… My fantasy world… I have seen a clearing. It has always felt like my way in… Like a portal is hidden there that takes me from this reality to my realms of imagination… So what do I do with this?

There are fortresses, castle, palaces, temples, mountains, rivers, oceans, plains, forests, cities, villages, towns, all kinds of things there. Everything that make up civilizations…

I am going to travel the whole distance. I promise myself that. I am going to explore the realms of my imagination every day or at least as much as possible. Exactly how I am going to go about it, I don’t know… It is impossible to say, because I am still in recovery, but at least I will give myself the promise to try as much as possible. And try it every single day. There will be something that comes out of it, and by the end of a period I can go through it and see if there is anything that I can use…

I cannot hesitate anymore. I have no other choice than to follow my intuition, and that is telling me that words and images are my destiny. But it is so hard to believe it. It still is. I cannot see it in my future, and yet I feel so. Maybe it is because the future is not completely set… I might be heading for that or the rest of my life will be spent in fear. I don’t want that…