Chopin and melancholy

I've just been watching Impromptu, the movie about the relationship between Frédéric Chopin and George Sand. I am left with the all familiar passionate feeling about artists of all kind. And I so wish that I could belong to those times. There were really a lot of wonderful things going on in the 19th century. In art, writing, and music. I might be a little romatic about it all, but there is something about it all.

Luckily I have a cd with some of Chopin's music. I tell you, it is melancholy at its sweetest. It reminds me that I want to write things inspired by these things. The english romantic poets, the pre-raphaelies, the music written in those times. I guess I am a bit of a romantic after all. I try to think what it is about those times that so inspire me... It would be a whole essay, if not a book. I think at least there is such a passion for life, like it was more fragile and so it was so much easier to find a passion for it and what comes with living. There is something so smug about modernity... Like we have become such masters that we have forgotten all the things about art that made it so divine... Like the arts now is about money and fame, and not the expressing of the heart... Somehow, I almost feel that art has become soulless, heartless...

Ah, listen to Chopin is like lying in a lake on a summer's day. Lazily, floating, looking up at the blue sky with soft clouds drifting slowly by. All is warm and fuzzy. Flowers... The countryside... It's absolutely wonderful))) It just creates these wonderful images, and yet they make me want to cry... Ah, the melancholy)) Remind me to send you some Chopin. I know you love melancholy just as much as I do. Now there you have another mood))) I could write a story just by listening to this kind of music I think............ If I mix it with Schubert, Liszt, maybe some Beethoven... Who knows what you'd get... Maybe even some Grieg. Some Debussy... Schumann, Satie... It would be fun to see what came out of it...

Funny I find that my fingers are writing like I was playing the piano, my body move to the music... Like you see piano players play... It is funny... Once you've sat down at a piano and played a piece those movement come by itself... Nothing you can do about it, they are just there, like the come natural from the piano itself... Like it puts a spell on you or something... It makes me long for a piano))) If I made a wish-list right now I would write: I wish I had a piano:) Well, I have been reminded again about this longing for making art))) And not just my fear of creating it... That is certainly a good thing! Also probably keeping my neighbours awake)) Ah, what a difference from pop and dance music eh))) Chopin)))

Hope everything is well with you)))

Mood

I am not going to be able to write much about this. But I've decided to do it here. Yesterday my mom was visiting and I was unable to do the question then, and today I am feeling sick. Hopefully it will pass as it always seem to do. My mom and I went for a hike. I even ran for like a lot longer than I thought I could without stopping. Maybe I am getting better:) I did do my exercise today as well.

I find mood rather difficult to write about because it is ever changing. But then it might be about the story... I find the mood both dark and light. All the ranges of human emotions so to speak. I find it difficult to do anything about that. Maybe if I were to write about mood I should have a specific mood to write about... Having a whole range of moods to feel, I tend to feel like everyone of them.

Today I have managed to feel despair, hope, scared, tired, confused, irritated... Well, I just kind of feel like it is impossible right now. I could probably do it, but being sick and not having too much discipline I chicken out. No day is alike, and since skipping yesterday, I have to do two today... I am on to the next now, maybe I will be able to do more there... Don't think so, but I will try, but I actually think that I should try perhaps to do it tomorrow... I will probably feel much better then and it is better than a half-hearted attempt on something that I will only just crumble under now.

I still feel great about doing these assignment))) And I will be doing them))) Promise:)

Place

I love this writing. Those small babysteps that are bringing me forward. I just did my assignment for the day, and I love it. Just not thinking about not knowing where to start, because I have a place to start. And for me to just sit down to do is a giant step for me too. And it fills me with hope. And that is definitely a good thing. Yeah, things are really changing. I can feel it in the way that I am starting to do things, and that they don't feel like such a burden anymore. A necessity, but still a burden. I guess making up stories is a passion of mine after all.

And I did my first day of exercise. My new regime. Health freaky me... not:) I bought a skipping rope, and I am off to a slow start. But we all have to start somewhere, right. I am at least doing it. Getting myself into shape, and taking back my energy again. Taking my life back too:) I feel good))

Let me know how you are doing after your first day back)))

The character thing

It was good starting thinking about something other than I don't know what to do, or where to start and such... I have made a start and that feels absolutely wonderful really. It is going in the right direction I guess. I am always very positive on the first day of everything I guess... But I am not pessimistic at all))) I am doing this. Like I am starting to get myself into shape tomorrow)) Lots and lots of beginning. I love beginnings like a new notebook, a new pen, a book that I have never read before)) Beginnings are nice))) Especially when you think that there will be no new beginnings at all...

I am beginning to get used to not thinking about having to clean, clean, clean))) Now I can do a little now and then which is great))) I have been going through my clothes today, washing and just having a good time with it instead of stressing out. I guess I am slowly transforming my life, and no one is happier about that than me:)

If you had to flee from your home, and you had to carry your belongings on your back, what would you take with you? Why?

I would take with me notebooks and pens. Because I would find that a comfort and I am addicted to have notebooks with me even when I don't have to flee))
I would take my mp3 and batteries. I would find life without music such a dread))) At least I would have the possibility to play a little music once in awhile.
The Lord of the Rings - to this day the most influential book)) Maybe A New Earth as well, to help me cope with whatever reason I had to flee.
I would probably also grab my camera and then charger, just because it would be natural for me.
And I would probably also grab some clothes, warm clothes, and extra shift of underwear and socks.
And I would grab my cat and stuff him into his carrier. And thus also take some food for him:)

I just found this sentence in The Artist Inside and thought it was kind of descriptive for our art (any art form):

When art is about transformation, it is a sacred practice.

It can also, I think, apply to what we are trying to do with our lives. I much rather like the word transform than change. I want to transform my life, and in doing so it is a sacred practice. It is rather nice, don't you think...:)

If you got a hundred dollars and you could not use it on yourself, what would you do with the money and why?

I would have bought some food, maybe some burgers from McDonald's, and given to the drug addicts that lives on the street so they would have some food)) Maybe cups of coffee if they wanted it, or something else. Why? Because it would be an act of kindness and because they are often overseen in our society. Also because a hundred dollars isn't a lot of money))) But it would give some nourishment that day for some hungry souls)))

Who are three people you admire, and what do you admire about them?

Oh my goodness, so many I admire... Who to pick and find out why I admire them...

1. Surprise! J.R.R. Tolkien. I admire him for the world he created, the depth and abundance and richness of his books. That he composed languages that we can actually speak and hold a conversation with.

2. The Dalai Lama. The way he is able to talk about serious things with a laughter in between, the way he sometimes can look like a child and the curiousness in his eyes and his calmness.

3. Nelson Mandela. How he survived all those years in captivity without even an ounch of hatred in him. For his wisdom and his will to change what can almost seem impossible to change. (The same courage that Hans Christian meet his captives with, without hatred and only the will to understand what drives other people to commit such unspeakable acts of violence...)

I could really go on and on:) But since it is three, I decided on those three because they were the first to come to mind)))

What are your greatest strengths and why?

1. One of my strengths is my emotional strength. I know I can stand through any storm. I love the sentence from a Dsound song: I am too soft to be broken.

2. My ability to dream. I believe that dreaming has saved my life on many an occassion. When everything has been darker than dark, I have managed to transport myself into another world where it hasn't been that dark and in that sense I have gotten through those moments.

3. My creativity. I can solve anything and think in new ways. And not to mention the ability to paint and write and being able to see art everywhere:)

4. I can laugh))) Especially about myself)) And I love to laugh! I think laughter is a good medicine))

5. My love of books, because they are a great way to feed my curiosity.

6. My reflection on life and myself, because there is always room for renewal. I can always see each situation from every side (even though I sometimes tend to worry a bit too much).

7. That I can find happiness in everything. I think it is a good lesson to understand, that happiness is not something that can be found, but a state of mind and it is there all the time and is most found in the smaller things in life.

8. My love of life, because it makes it wonderful to live, in both good and dark days)) It makes living interesting, and quite lovely. And it kind of makes me never lose hope...


I can't find anymore right now. Ah, I am watching the Phantom of the Opera on tv. Lovely since my dvd-player is broken))) Not the same watching it on the computer screen))) Oh, and I did a full work out today. And I am hiking on Saturday))) Can we say that we meet on Saturday like 8 or 9 pm? I will be here, just so that I don't get afraid that you come online 6pm to find me not here, and think that I have abandoned you))) You haven't been here earlier than 9 the last saturdays, but with you you never know;) Just wanted to say that))) In case I suddenly forget to say it, and since I won't be online tomorrow)) Going to my mom's. Hopefully getting book four of the Twilight-series too)))

If you were granted infinite wisdom, but only in one area of concentration, what would it be?

The first thing that came to me when I read the question, wasn't painting or writing, it was actually spirituality. Healing and psychic abilities, to be a medium. I would love to bring in the money through writing book, and do healing and readings for free. I believe that it should be something you give... Anyway, I guess spirituality (for the lack of maybe a more accurate word) is the one area I would like to have infinite wisdom:)


I have sort of figured out what has been bothering me for the last week. It's like when you have studied hard for an exam, all your time has gone into it then when the exam is over, it is hard to get back to normal. I think that's what I am experiencing now. Only with the cleaning. I have used so much time thinking either that I should be cleaning or I have been cleaning, and now all of a sudden there is no need for me to think about it other than maintaining it (which isn't hard at all)))... I am totally lost:) Hopefully I will get on the right track again very soon, or rather rearrange how I have been thinking. I have no idea how to do that, but I will get there. I always did after an exam....

What skill do I most treasure and why?

I treasure my creativity the most, because it is both a skill and a gift. It makes life much more interesting, because in my mind I can transform everything into a story or a painting or a poem or a photography or maybe even a dance. It is also very great in solving problems.

An example of a creative solution: When I worked with children, there were this boy with an enormous creative mind. He had a tendency to forget to eat because he was so into whatever he played (many times he had superpowers;). We were told to make sure he among others ate their meal and I stopped him in the hallway. "You must go and eat," I told him. He said no, he hadn't the time. Without thinking I told him as a matter of fact, "If you don't eat, you will lose your superpowers." He practically ran into the room where we served our meals:)

But most of all I treasure it, because it will certainly make my life into a great adventure))) I love my creativity!

If you could do anything tomorrow, what would it be and why?

I would jump on a plane and go to London to live there. Why? Because I want to pursue my dreams. I don't really think that living in London would make any difference than here, but I want to travel around the world, so London seems a good place to start. That is the bigger "do anything"... And the one I thought could win, because often enough I stop myself from thinking big. Because it seems so unrealistic, and I have a tendency to avoid anything unrealistic... I need to get out of my box and my comfort zone.

Copenhagen amongst other stuff

Back from the celebrations this weekend. That is, I have been home since Monday. It was really nice. Saturday was wonderful. I am so glad that mom had a nice 60th birthday.We got an upgrade on our hotelroom and got a view over the harbour and a view to the opera of Copenhagen. We had dinner in Tivoli, Chinese. And had a table at pond where people could ride boats. Really nice, and it almost didn't rain, which was nice since it had been predicted that it would rain all Satuday evening.


The picture is a little dark, but I guess you are able to get an idea:) We had dinner with a lot of screaming all around:)



We had a balcony on the way home, and as you can see it was really windy when we approached Skagerak:) Waves and all, and I feel a little below par:) I slept for an hour and all was well again. The photo at the top was taken on the way home. It is an incoming raincloud)) Isn't it amazing to see the rain)) On the way down to Copenhagen, I went on deck for a cigarette and to my amazement I was able to stand alone up there and bathe in moonlight)) It was beautiful. And one of the songs that I listened to up there (on 11th deck) was Journey Away from the Whalerider, which was perfect)) Really made the dark waters below seem a little eerie))

I hope to travel again very soon))) It is so nice to be other places... Maybe London again (which we have seriously talked about), or Barcelona maybe... We have talked about Rome too (which I would really really love!!)... Any place would do really))) All I have to do is start finding out about airplane tickets and hotels))) Seems like a piece of cake, but I am really not liking finding out stuff like that online))) I am not an internet surfing kinda gal, really))) But I think I have to take charge:) And if I do, maybe I'll have another trip somewhere in Europe this year)))

I have come to a sort of stop in my cleaning. I have so little left and yet I am having such trouble taking the finishing steps... I kinda feel empty, and I guess because I did so much last week, I kinda feel a litte out of it. I think the mental aspect has to catch up))) But I am really getting there. It is wonderful to see. I have been thinking about writing again after more or less two months of no writing whatsoever. But it is not the kind of obsessing as I used to have towards my writing. I guess I am kinda looking forward to not having to think about having to clean all the time. Getting some structure into my life... Though I am not a very structural person, and I don't think I will be, but I have to at least try to make some sort of system in the chaos that is my life.

I have been thinking about the fantasy genre again which is really nice. Maybe that is my genre... I don't know, but no matter what I do, I always seem to come back to the fantastical:) I guess we have to wait and see where things go))

I have done a lot of thinking, but I would rather talk than write about it))) Hopefully we will be able to do so soon:) I am going to see Prince Caspian tomorrow))) Yeah))) Really looking forward to that.

Been a lot of Tudour time this week))) So I came upon this because I read about a painting by Ford Madox Brown called The execution of Mary Queen of Scots and then I saw a good historical fact:) "Good" I should say... At least detailed:)

Historical fact:
Queen Mary was executed on February 8, 1587, on the charge of treason against Queen Elizabeth.

Big news... I am moving))) I've got an offer I cannot refuse;) I tell you more about it next time we talk... I don't think I've quite understood yet. It's like a dream and I am waiting to wake up...

I just went to imdb and looked up The Hobbit... And it says that James McAvoy is rumoured to play Bilbo Baggins... I am not sure about that... I like him and all, but is he Bilbo... I mean Ian Holm is Bilbo... I guess he would do an honourable job of it))) I don't know if he will be Bilbo in the end, though))) But I will trust that Peter Jackson knows what he does)))

Historical fact:
8. June 793 the vikings raided the church of Lindisfarne. It is the beginning of the viking age in Scandinavian history.

Mineral Allies

agate - stability and balance
amber - absorbs and neutralises negativity
amethyst - feminine energy, calm
aquamarine - relaxation, calm
aventurine - healing, freedom
bloodstone - detoxification, strength
carnelian - motivation, confidence, action
citrine - confidence, communication, decision-making
coral - physical strength, determination
fluorite - creativity, spiritual awareness
garnet - activates passion and life force
jade - healing, soothing, abundance
lapis lazuli - spiritual awakening
malachite - calm, physical healing, peace
moonstone - feminine energy, love
pearl - love, femininity, moon, water
obsidian - masculine energy, groundedness
rose quartz - love, children, family, creativity
smoky quartz - abundance, wisdom
sodalite - spiritual awakening
sugalite - inner vision, meditation
tiger's-eye - groundedness, focus
tourmaline - neutralises negativity, psychic protection
turquoise - strength, success, fulfilment, protection

Plant and Herb Allies

basil - blessing, purification
camomile - calm, relaxation
dill - wealth, success
fennel - healing
foxglove - protection, emotional balance
garlic - protection, healing
ivy - protection, abundance
lavender - calm, relaxation
marjoram - marriage, love
mint - cleansing, refreshment
mistletoe - love, protection
mugwort - focus, healing
nettle - protection
rosemary - purification, stimulation
sage - cleansing, renewal
thyme - health, healing

Flower Allies

anemone - fertility
bluebell - good luck
daffodil - joy, success in business
daisy - innocence, joy
dandelion - strength, fortitude
gardenia - self-esteem, love
geranium - endurance
hibiscus - passion
honeysuckle - prosperity, abundance, joy
iris - feminine spirit
jasmine - sensual love
lilac - abundance, harmony
lily - divine femininity, purity, rebirth
marigold - protection, honouring the sacred
morning glory - joy, spiritual attunement
orchid - fertility, stamina
peony - longevity
rose - love, emotional healing, angelic kingdoms
sunflower - prosperity, fertility, success
tulip - abundance, sensuality
violet - spirituality, psychic healing

Tree Allies

alder - awakening courage to move forward
almond - abundance
aspen - overcoming fear, protection; in mythology Greek goddesses protected those who had aspen leaves
apple - healing, love, symbol of the Goddess Aphrodite; the mystical Celtic Avalon means ‘island of apples’
ash - balance, order, guardian; to ancient Celts this tree represented balance and was the guardian of the order of the universe
bamboo - good luck, prosperity
birch - new beginnings, renewal, the youthful aspect of the Goddess
cedar - detoxification, purification; Cherokees believe this tree provides powerful strengthening
chestnut - fertility, great strength
elder - moon energy, grace, honour; associated with the Goddess
elm - feminine power, love
eucalyptus - renewal, purification
fir - cleansing, renewal, releasing stagnant emotions
hawthorn - love, healing negative emotions, birth; associated with Blodeuwedd, the Welsh goddess of spring
hazel - inspiration, communication, knowledge
holly - regeneration, female blood-of-life
juniper - protection, purification, in the Himalayas Sherpas bless and purify their ropes with the smoke of juniper boughs
maple - prosperity, ability to adapt to new circumstances
oak - strength, fortitude, courage, faith
olive - peace, healing
pine - purification, cleansing negative emotions
plum - love, protection
rowan - protection, strength, magical realms; sacred to Brigit, the Celtic goddess of protection
sandalwood - wisdom, spirituality
sycamore - strength, vitality, feminine energy
willow - moon cycles and water, emotional healing, intuition, divine feminine spirit
yew - regeneration, rebirth, letting go of the old and embracing the new

Animal Ally

alligator - formidable strength, power
ape - primitive power, intelligence
bat - ancient wisdom
bear - mother earth, healing
beaver - hard work, prosperity through your own efforts
buffalo - abundance, harvest and plenty
bull - great strength, force, power
camel - endurance, getting through a difficulty
canary - harmony
cat - intuition, feminine essence
chameleon - adaptability, flexibility
cobra - life-force energy
deer - fertility, grace, joy
dog - faithfulness, loyalty, friendship
dolphin - playfulness, spontaneity, intelligence
dove - peace, freedom
eagle - spirituality, far-sightedness
elephant - power, mindfulness
elk - power, beauty, dignity
fish - emotional flow, feminine energy
fox - intelligence, physical attraction
frog - abundance, prosperity
horse - freedom, movement, beauty
leopard - prowess, sensuality
lion - majesty, power, bravery, leadership
otter - capriciousness, playfulness
owl - wisdom, feminine power, transformation
peacock - confidence, celebration, pride in oneself
polar bear - healing, strength
rabbit - prosperity, abundance, fertility
ram - masculine strength, pioneering spirit
raven - wisdom from unseen realms
rhinoceros - male sexuality
robin - harbinger of good tidings, new beginnings
salmon - being in the flow, moving ahead against all odds
seal - grace, emotional balance, curiosity
snake - womanly power, healing, spiritual awakening
swan - beauty, strength, gliding to new heights
tiger - prowess, power, strength
turtle - grounding, abundance
vulture - ancient goddess, purification
whale - perception, intuition, power
wolf - community, social connection, family support

One Ring to rule them all...

How do one come up with the great ideas...?

The boy who lived

I wonder how they felt when they sat down to write...?

In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit.

It is amazing how a writers mind can make these stories up with just their ideas and intentions...

So dark the con of man

Daring to explore the impossible, shaking everything to the core, finding the darker secrets of humankind, exploring hidden world, creating new worlds...

There exists no separation between gods and men; one blends softly casual into the other.

I need a vision... My goodness I am so tired of that... I need to explore my vision.. Because somewhere inside of me it is hiding, waiting for me to find the courage to actually meet it head on...

There was Eru...

Take a deep breath now. Relax, and don't get consumed by the thoughts that you cannot do this. Everything starts from some place... And here it comes again... I start in the dark:)

You can never really foresee what is going to happen in life. There are so many fickle turns it can take, and it all depends upon the choices you make, but it will be good even though it feel bad at the time you might feel some sort of regret. And if it is a bad choice maybe it is because at the time you were making it, you didn't follow your gut feeling. There is no encoding of life; no book to make you any wiser or anything. It is something you make up as you go and mistakes are made, but they are made so you don't have to do them again.

Even though my life has felt dreadful at times, I try never to lose hope. Like we are writing our stories now. It is so great. I have for example admitted to myself that I have never had any plan or vision for my life. I had dreams and stuff, but they have all kind of faded in the day dreaming and in running away from the fact that I don't really know how I am going to achieve my goal (those that I have never set for myself). Now that is going to change. Out of habit, I want to to write, I am going to try... Never learn... I have to trick my petty little mind to let my heart get a say in my life from now on:)

I am going to write. God knows I have enough material to last me for at least two years:) It is going to be fun to transform (was going to write try there again...) my experiences and thoughts and all that onto paper... No category, or telling what it is going to be, no nothing. I think I can find lots of cool stories there))) I know Cath can give me inspiration to lots of stories:) And other people that we talk about too... Lots if I just dare to see it, but of course being a little self-centered this summer:) I want to write about me:) Sort of take a reckoning of my life to move it forward. Of course these are just ramblings which we are getting used to by now:)

One things for sure! I want to brighten up my mood. Not get so very down below zero if you know what I mean. I want to laugh and have fun. I am so tired of everything being so seriously serious... I have all the resources that I need right here... I cannot spend all of my time worrying. I should probably have a worrying notebook, and a notebook for being grateful. Just to actually get a reasonable perspective about my life... So that I can lay tracks:) Virginal territory so to speak:)

I found this one amongst my papers... Could be a good beginning on something...

Into a circle of fire
In their eyes there are flames dancing
They are calling to me, calling me to them
Winter is fading
Summer won’t soften my eyes
A child of ice and fire, of water and air
Pure be the heart that looks behind the veil
A child of the living and breathing earth
A wind passes through me
The shadows grow long
The veil between the worlds are lifted
There stands an empty throne
Every part of me spring into life
My defences are crumbling
My fate is hidden from me
We are worlds apart
I leave this world behind and enter into another
Lady of night, come wrap your wings around me
I am alone, wandering in the dark
I see the flame in their eyes in the darkness

Ah, I am finally feeling better. I am tired now because it is 2 am and not when it's only 2 pm. It is a wonderful feeling to actually have some energy in my body again. About time too))) Feel like I have been in a kind of cocon at least for 2 weeks now, but it feels a lot longer. A lot:)

I am about to sit down and do an hour of writing for tomorrow. Start the first chapter so to speak. And I've started to paint today. And I've cleaned a little bit. Thrown out at least three things;)

***

A little while later, and I have done my first "chapter". It is good really, and there is no way of knowing where it all will go. I have sat down to write first chapters before, so I guess the challenge for now is to get to 10 and then to 20:) Just to see where it all will lead me. It is a nice thought, and I am having a determination about it. Even though I have said "this time" before, one of those times has to be the moment when I get my act together, so why not believe that it is this time:) Keep the faith right))

It is warm outside, and I think I am in for a hot night. The cool night air reaches me where I am sitting now and it is caresses my arm. I think we are getting really hot weather tomorrow when it becomes almost unbearably hot inside, like when you shower in cold water, you get hot again in ten minutes:) That kind of weather. But I am going to love it all the same.

A certain cat just jumped up in my lap. Tickling my arm when he smells it. We are going to bed now))) I am going to continue to read New Moon. Getting to the end now and it is getting more intense))) Talk to you tomorrow)) Our first Inkling:) yeah!!

The human game

Another piece of paper I want to throw away. The lyrics are a song by Lisa Gerrard, from the album Duality. I think I have sent you the song...

Under the sun I call your name,
I revise your inner flame,
I who dare to come disguised
In the night of human eyes.

As we begin to unravel the veil
Of our visions vivid and pale
We recoil with invisible bliss
Loosing there the claim to the comfort of deaths
Predesigned quetioned in vain the soul remains
To tell it's tale vivid and pale of broken dreams.

Some where I'll find you inside the answer
When we remember who we can relay be
And there we will arrive hom
With all the answer's that fair to reason
All within our love.

Out of the pool into the flame
We do begin.
All of our love rises above
The human game.

Natural emotions

I found these on a piece of paper. I can't remember where I found it, but I want to throw away the paper, but not what is on it, so I write it here.

The natural emotions:

Grief - say goodbye
Anger - "No, thank you"
Envy - to try harder, striving until you succeed
Fear - caution, help the body to stay alive
Love - without conditions or limitations

I think it is the response to the emotions... It makes sense that it is the response.

What a day... I've had a headache all day... That puts a damper on things really:) It almost feels like a migraine... Though I doubt I would be able to stand up if it were...



This is the winner of our So you think you can dance? My favourite, so I am thrilled))) Mona is her name))) Ah, we had Mary Murphy as a guest judge today))) That was nice)))

Thought this might be nice to get here. The overview of different goddesses from Denise Linn's Secrets & Mysteries:

Aphrodite (Greek) – pleasure, creativity, marriage, femininity, sensuality, love, inner beauty, awakening inner passions, attracting lovers.
Artemis (Greek) – connection to nature, independence, courage, determination to reach goals, childbirth, new projects.
Athena (Greek) – intelligence, strategy, art, inner wisdom, creativity, protection.
Bast (Egyptian) – sensuous feline energy, focused and yet playful; celebration, self-containment, joy, ecstasy, your wild nature.
Black Madonna (Christian, but thought to be originally an African goddess) – primordial strength, passion, power.
Brigit (Celtic) – protection, gardening, fertility, healing.
Ceridwen (Celtic) – harvest, abundance, death and rebirth.
Corn Woman (Native American) – abundance, grounding, earthiness, fertility, deepening your connection to the earth.
Demeter (Greek) – nurturing of self and others, maternity, abundance, harvest, material riches, new possibilities.
Diana (Roman) – connection to nature, independence, bravery, standing on your own as a woman, reaching your goals, primal instincts.
Durga (Hindu) – great fortitude to overcome any and all obstacles, fighting spirit of a mother who protects her young.
Freya (Norse) – new directions in life, being grounded, sexual love and fertility, turning challenges into opportunities.
Hathor (Egyptian) – beauty, power, wisdom, fertility, abundance, prosperity, productivity, passion for life.
Hecate (Greek) – mystical experiences, ancient wisdom, healing abilities, inner magic, invisible realms.
Hera (Greek) – protection, material prosperity, the comfort of possessions, confidence, self-esteem, honest expression.
Hestia (Greek) – creating a home of beauty and grace, spirituality, enjoying solitude, being at home with yourself no matter where you are.
Inanna (Sumerian) – fertility, abundance, passion, self-sufficiency, accepting all aspects of yourself with compassion.
Ishtar (Babylonian) – forging forward with power, courage, joy and passion; sexuality, sensuality, voluptuousness, passion.
Isis (Egyptian) – mystical experiences, self-assurance, lifting out of negativity, mystical realms, intuition, inner light.
Kali (Hindu) – courage, releasing negative patterns, overcoming fear, indomitable spirit.
Kuan Yin (Asian) – compassion, mercy, tranquillity, serenity, repose, tenderness, receptivity, forgiveness.
Lakshmi (Hindu) – inner wealth, abundance, material prosperity, pouring out abundance to the community.
Lilith (Sumero-Babylonian) – unbridled passion, indomitable spirit, sexual pleasure, unabashed sexuality, taking a stand in life.
Mary (Christian) – compassion, intercession.
Medusa (Greek) – wild, untamed, unabashed vital life force, regeneration, healing abilities, breaking through personal barriers.
Minerva (Roman) – intelligence, wisdom, strategy, arts and crafts, wise choices in life, healing abilities, intuition.
Nut (Egyptian) – acceptance, death and rebirth, overview of life.
Persephone (Greek) – deepest inner realms, harmonising inner life with out life, maintaining hope amid despair, balance.
Rhiannon (Celtic) – inner wisdom, reaching into your depths.
Sarasvati (Hindu) – insight, healing musical abilities.
Selene (Greek) – dreams, the moon, divine feminine spirituality, receptivity, inner magic, receptivity to the gifts of the universe.
Sophia (Greek) – kindness, peace, joy.
Tara (Tibetan) – compassion, mothering skills, liberation.
Tlazolteotl (Aztec) – dissolving impurities within yourself, forgiving yourself, releasing guilt and shame, absolving the past.
Venus (Roman) – romantic love, connection to springtime, new growth, blossoming into womanhood, sacred sexuality.
White Buffalo Calf Woman (Native American) – connection to the earth, dignity, grace, balancing male and female energies.
Yemaya (African) – nurturing, abundance, protection for journeys across water, expanding your prosperity consciousness.

I feel the wind on my fingertips
a restless energy that spreads through me
bursting me open
cracking the stone shell
life is a dance
of beautiful movements
grace and power
sometimes there is no other choice
than to follow the rhythm
I become the wind

I am getting better again)) Certainly maybe the cold is letting go and the pollen is going away from the air (and on top of that I got my period today, which explains alot too;)). Today, after my dentist appointment (which was nothing short of horrible, and the worst is yet to come...), I went and bought three canvases, a strip off palette, and a painting knife (really needed a new one). I love a good bargin:) The three canvases came in a package for about $32. At least a good start on the project; you have to have the material to work with.

I walked down to the city today which I am glad I did. I haven't been outside walking in a long time. I hope I can get my body moving again.

Now for the writing... Pew, it is proving rather difficult to write. But I will get there, if not tonight, maybe tomorrow))) But I am going around it in my mind, trying to find plots and "nice" things to write about. I am not that worried, because it is a nice change to have one particular thing to focus on. That way my mind isn't spread over a hundred different things I could write about. I have decided to do the writing in the I-person. I've decided on a name for my main character. And a few other details:) I am in high spirits:) It is after all a project that is going to help us to focus more, and actually do what we set out to do. I don't expect miracles, so I am pleased that I have begun:)

I am having difficulties starting this story:) Not that I had ever thought it would be easy. Everything is going according to plan I guess. It is such a difficult step to take sitting down to write. I am pushing it before me. I don't think I have a grasp on what I want to write about. None whatsoever. I think I've started and deleted a hundred times now))) You are suppose to have some idea, right? lol... I am absolutely clueless...

I guess it will take some time to get the idea out. But I will not give up. Looking at old documents... I have not gotten far at all... Maybe because I have tried, but never really committed to it. I will try again tomorrow. I think you can only do so much. I have to decide on some things:)

This is still an important issue... And still something to think about... Love this add or whatever you can call it...

My thoughts goes out to the people in Burma that is suffering double, just because their leaders are power-sick people... Let us hope that the world will not stand down because of "playing nice"... The people of Burma needs food and medicine and clean water now... It is not time for politics. And to the people of China that has been affected by the earthquake.

And I guess it is time we still take to honour our commitment in ending extreme poverty sooner rather than too late...

Lord Byron - Solitude

To sit on rocks, to muse o'er flood and fell,
To slowly trace the forest's shady scene,
Where things that own not man's dominion dwell,
And mortal foot hath ne'er or rarely been;
To climb the trackless mountain all unseen,
With the wild flock that never needs a fold;
Alone o'er steeps and foaming falls to lean;
This is not solitude, 'tis but to hold
Converse with Nature's charms, and view her stores unrolled.

But midst the crowd, the hurry, the shock of men,
To hear, to see, to feel and to possess,
And roam alone, the world's tired denizen,
With none who bless us, none whom we can bless;
Minions of splendour shrinking from distress!
None that, with kindred consciousness endued,
If we were not, would seem to smile the less
Of all the flattered, followed, sought and sued;
This is to be alone; this, this is solitude!

I wrote this today:

We are
Nothing more
Nothing less
We are what we are
What else could there be
Than a deeper understanding of our own beingness
We become the awakened


One can really see what is circling around in my brain nowadays)))
I guess there are more room for writing now that I have managed not to be panicking about not writing:)

The Road not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth ;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I —
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.


By Robert Frost

I turned off the television early today. After LOST. It was the Desmond episode. I am actually going to miss one episode, but I don't think I care too much, since it is because I'll be in London at the time. I might think for a sort moment that LOST is on in Norway at this time, but I don't think I will shed much tears. I am however thinking what the hell is this island. It is getting weird to say the least.

I think I spend to much time with noise around me. Right now, I don't have the tv on nor any music. The only sound is from my computer; a monotone sound that can easily fade into the background. It is strange how thoughts come then. The deeper thoughts at that. There is so much in A new earth. So much information. I am going to buy it in paperback in London. The first day I am there if I can get to a bookstore that day. I just have to make sure that we do Oxford street or something:) I need to have it in bookform so that I am not depended on the computer to be able to read it. I am in chapter seven now. I am going to make sure that it is not just theory this time. The great thing is that it doesn't matter where you are in life or what you do. It just takes anything you believe in to another level, even if you don't believe in anything too. It is great. I really don't think I have ever read anything like it before...

I haven't fuzzed over writing in a long time. I just know I am going to write. That's all I need to know. When the time is right, I will write. Right now, there are other things I need to understand. And I do write bits and pieces now and then, but I don't obsess over it anymore. That is actually a good feeling. I write my morning pages, and whenever I feel like writing. But I don't feel bad for not writing anymore. It is a relief. I wrote some time in March that I wanted to write to the heart, not the mind. Or from the stillness behind the thoughts. I just need to find that in me and when I do, I believe that the words will come. I am changing my thoughts and emotions little by little I guess. Trying to draw my attention to the now whenever I remember it. I find writing the morning pages a good exercise, because my mind tends to wander away from the page. So I try to stay on the page no matter what comes out.

Oh, I found these great thin notebooks yesterday. They were exactly what I was looking for. I wanted to make a London book so to speak, where I can write my morning pages and take notes and stuff. I bought two just in case I get really creative while there. I am going to be gone in ten days, so who knows)) I get to visit a Starbucks now)) If nothing has changed since last time I stayed at Earl's Court, there is a Starbucks just by the train station, and not that far from the hotel I think. Drinking coffee and writing goes great together)))

"Lost" by David Wagoner

Stand still. The trees ahead and bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.
The forest breathes. Listen. It answers,
I have made this place around you.
If you leave it, you may come back again, saying Here.
No two trees are the same to Raven.
No two branches are the same to Wren.
If what a tree or a bush does is lost on you,
You are surely lost. Stand still. The forest knows
Where you are. You must let it find you.

Ornaments

Oh yeah, I wanted to show you these two pictures:


The first is from Urnes Stave Church, the latter from the Oseberg ship. As you see the tradition is passed from the Viking ship to the doorframe from the Stave church from the 1130s. The Viking ship is from 8th to 9th century I think or there about. It was found as part of a great burial of a woman. You see the animal ornament in the stave church that has gotten the name Urnes-style. Just thought you might find it interesting))

I just realised that for the past three weeks, the summer saving time thingy made the Oprah and Eckhart thing one hour earlier here... Now that we have caught up with you, it is back to starting at 3 am. That is late. But the chapter about pain-body is too good to miss))) It's always something to learn. I hope I get to buy the paperback version in London since it has not yet come here. I need to continue on this journey, because I am actually seeing the "light" here:)

It is strange, but I feel like I have found the last piece to the puzzle. I sit here listening, and I understand more and more about why and what I react to. The challenge is of course to try to stay in the Now, and find Presence. I am looking forward to the challenge of being in London in 10 days with my mom. How will my pain-body/ego react, and why does it react so strongly? It is going to be work and pleasure so to speak)) Interesting challenge:)

It is one hour into the web cast now, and I am getting tired))) I am getting ready for sleep, half an hour left. I will have to see if I remember anything from today tomorrow, maybe watch some of it again. I hope they keep the web cast on the website since I will miss two classes... That is actually the only sad thing about going to London, and of course that I am going to miss Nicky like crazy:)

Tate Britain

I hope to see these paintings and more "live" when I go to London)))

Need I say more!! I am actually going to London! Not just talk this time. We bought the airplane tickets today!! I am very excited about this))) We are actually staying for 10 day))))

This is the view from my window tonight. Not very funny at all... It is freezing outside. I am sad:)

"I don't want to write for people's minds," she said. "I want to reach their hearts."

It is such an exciting time. Have you notice how the same message about something beyond our so-called regular, ego-driven selves are arising? Something is happening in the world, that's for sure. Because when I was your age, the knowledge and information was a lot less than it is today. There is a shift going on, around the world. Over 2 millions have watched the A New Earth class. It might seem like a small drop in the ocean, but if you think about the effect like rings in the water, the effect can be enormous.

I find that when I read about the ego, the more I understand that I have been more driven by it then I thought. I would even take it as far as to understanding why I have had trouble dealing with certain things in my life. The great part is that now I don't have any excuses. I have a different way of looking at it and maybe recognising it when it happens, should I become upset, angry or whatever, I can take a step back and think about why it is that I hang on to those feelings and what good they do me and then I can release them.

I gave myself a present yesterday. I bought a cd, the first one of 2008, and the honour went to none other than Michael Bublé. As I went down to my dentist appointment I listen to "Feeling good" and that was just exactly what I was feeling. I wanted to go dancing in the streets to be honest. And I thought why not, I want to by his latest cd, and I found it. And I have been listening to it. He's got an amazing voice that reaches right into my heart. I just love listening to him.

Today, I am celebrating four months of morning pages! Yeah, congratulations to me. I've managed to eat breakfast more or less one to three hours after I wake in the morning. I take my vitamins and omega-3 with my glass of orange juice, and I've added water to my list. Baby steps towards a healthier life. Next will be some small scale exercising. And I am not obsessing so much about writing. I have let go of it. I mean the obsessing, not the writing. I wrote a few lines today, that might lead somewhere... Maybe to a poem or something.

Step into the circle of light,
let me fly away into the night.
I can't make you see what I see,
but I will tell you about what's in my heart.
Rest easy in the arms of love,
let the sacred be a friend and not the enemy,
release the grievances you carry
and let all illusions die away.

It is only a beginning and very much a result of all the reading and listening I have been doing lately. Of course our writing will be reflecting what we are going through in our lives. It certainly is a great time. It's like falling in love with life again. And maybe even myself, though that will be a process:) I am my worst enemy right;)

I love sitting listening to Oprah and Eckhart live from Chicago. It is incredible to think that so many people sit at their computers listening and going into it at the same time. I love going into this material, becoming more aware of my own ego and thought-processes. We really are awakening. I am tired though))) But it is worth it. I guess now I have to go and let it sink in.

I did experience a sense of presence today, walking to the subway, just looking around me and looking. Not thinking it was trees, but watching how it was against the sky, looking at the colours and so on. And feeling my body. And gripping the metal handle, feeling the cold metal against my hand. I couldn't help smiling. It really is a good feeling:)

There are so many aha moments ahead. I can feel it))) And a feeling of this is it. It is really happening)))

The suffering I have felt doesn’t need to be. In this exact moment, what do I feel? I don’t feel like I am suffering right now, so am I suffering then?

How do I teach myself to live in the now? When I think about it, the more I understand that I am living either in the past or in the future. I worry about this that has already happened, or about things that has not yet passed. If I am afraid that I will fail in the future, will I not set myself up to fail?

There are so many thoughts in my mind right now. I am feeling that I might have a breakthrough any day. It just feels like I have to dig deeper and deeper. I don’t know what will happen at all, but I am willing to give it a chance. I will see what happens and if I actually will be able to set the past and future free…

I thought maybe I could try to post something I have written during the day here. I don't care if it is good or bad, but I like the idea to sort of validate what I do, and putting it out there, is a good thing. I like having made the decision to write more than just the morning pages. And I want to paint a little every day. Just do what I want to do in the future. Sort of bringing the future into the present...


Life is movement.
I feel like a stranger in a vortex,
caught between worlds,
stuck in limbo.
I can’t go forward,
but I can’t move backwards either.
I fall into realms
where I have never been before,
where anything can happen.
Life is movement.
It is a beginning,
a journey into myself.
I am willing to let go of the pain,
letting go of the happiness,
letting go of everything,
because nothing is as I think it is…

The Realms of the Imagination

I wrote this on February 27 as part of my write everyday plan. Just thought I would start of March on my blog.

This is what life is about, going on different journeys, discovering new things about the world and myself. I love to ponder on what the meaning of life is. All exciting things that show themselves is without a doubt worth all the pain and suffering. It has given me so much more depth in the way I live. But the time for theory is to go over to the time of action. I am developing my own philosophy.

The landscape is always changing. It is like a world of its own, somewhere that I can explore. A world… My fantasy world… I have seen a clearing. It has always felt like my way in… Like a portal is hidden there that takes me from this reality to my realms of imagination… So what do I do with this?

There are fortresses, castle, palaces, temples, mountains, rivers, oceans, plains, forests, cities, villages, towns, all kinds of things there. Everything that make up civilizations…

I am going to travel the whole distance. I promise myself that. I am going to explore the realms of my imagination every day or at least as much as possible. Exactly how I am going to go about it, I don’t know… It is impossible to say, because I am still in recovery, but at least I will give myself the promise to try as much as possible. And try it every single day. There will be something that comes out of it, and by the end of a period I can go through it and see if there is anything that I can use…

I cannot hesitate anymore. I have no other choice than to follow my intuition, and that is telling me that words and images are my destiny. But it is so hard to believe it. It still is. I cannot see it in my future, and yet I feel so. Maybe it is because the future is not completely set… I might be heading for that or the rest of my life will be spent in fear. I don’t want that…

The journey has begun. I step unto my path to reveal that magic is real. It is through creation that the river becomes wild and free, floating ever onward. I am not stuck anymore because I will it so. I am free to create every dream I could ever imagine. It is all in the power of the mind. And I take back that power from this day on…

I wonder what I am in denial about... I can't seem to just sit down and write. I just can't not even here. When I don't hear from you at all, I seem to think that there is no point in writing here either. But I did however have a writing date on Friday afternoon at my café. I tried to sit down and write in a third person. Since that worked wonderfully last time I tried it, but it didn't feel too good. But at the same time, I don't feel like being so negative about it either. I think I am trying to figure out what it is that I want to do. And try to build up some sort of routine or something. Today I went for a long walk, and somehow it made me really tired. And just after coming home, my mom called. I haven't spoken to her since January, and she never once asked about me, how I was. Only about that case with her appartment that is going up for some kind of settlement thingy. I just sat there thinking that here we go, all over again. Pretending that everything is as it was before. Well, it's not. It just isn't. She means that I am just going to drop everything because I have a computer. It just made me even more tired and a little disappointed too...

I've started on that earth-colour painting for the third time today. Maybe third times the charm... I haven't done much painting the last weeks. Trying to figure out what it is that I want to say and express I think. It goes for both my writing and painting, because somehow I know I want them to compliment each other, but I haven't gotten the faintest clue how... But I am getting there.

So not much changing really, but yet I am getting there a little day by day. Some days are okay others not. But hey! that's life...:)

The Orb pictures among other

Sometimes I wish that I was hit by lightning, you know... Have one of those light-bulb moments when suddenly everything is as clear as the brightest day. That I just knew what I wanted to do for a project... But nope, it is not coming to me. I try to think about it. And I do write about myself. But I am not getting any closer to finding something I feel really passionate about either writing or painting or drawing. Maybe it is because I don't know where to start at all.

It is so funny how moods can swing... Like from being optimistic to being pessimistic. From feeling okay to not feeling that great at all. My goal for this week is to get down to 31B twice this week... That leaves me three days to get to that goal... If I don't make it tomorrow then I will have two days left... But I have to. If not for anything other than a cup of coffee and a cigarette;) Though I might perhaps just find something... I will have to figure out something sooner or later, hopefully sooner...

Retracing my own time line is one thing, that can be fun, but if it is all I ever get down on paper, I am going to be depressed. Even more than I am now... I need something that can bring me a little hope. A little sign that I am suppose to do that.

Oh by the way... I got an email from Diana Cooper. She has looked at those pictures from Christmas, and she explained them as authentic and asked for permission to use the pictures:)



Masses of angels carrying spirits.



Aspects of Gabriel merged with Uriel and angels of love..

I just remembered when flipping through Angel Inspiration long before Christmas I was drawn to the names of Gabriel and Uriel... Strange... That definitely gives me something to think about... Maybe there is an answer in there somewhere... Felt this strange sensation right now in writing it almost like a pressure against my back and neck and upper arms. It feels warm and cold and tingling... Really strange...

"You need to open up more. Everything is ready and waiting for you to open up. Do not endulge your fears and worries anymore. Give heed to your hopes and dreams instead. Do not dwell too much on what you cannot know. The future is not set no matter what choices you make or have made. There is no right or wrong choice, only opportunities. Remember that a true life is made of hopes and dreams, not fears and worries..."

There is a strange feeling inside of me tonight. Thinking about making choices. Thinking about what I could do as an alternative to what I am doing right now. One step at a time. I think it is draining me not to have a clear path to walk. I don't mean that I want to know everything that is going to happen, but to have a small goal. What would I like to do for the next couple of weeks for example. Tomorrow I have written my Morning Pages for three months. It is strange, but they have become a part of me. I haven't questioned not doing them for weeks now, that I will stop doing them. It is strange how something can become a part of you. Some days I enjoy doing them, other times I don't but I am doing them. I go to bed at a reasonably time now and I am eating breakfast. I am proud of that.

So now I need to do something with a creative goal, but when I try to think about it, everything escapes me. I have done a little research into my own past, see if I can find some memories. I figured that my story is the most important now. I guess I will just push myself a little further every day. And see what happens. Baby steps, righ... Just have to believe that nothing that I think or do is useless. It is all for the sake of something. It's just that figuring what that is can be really tough, but I am getting there. I guess I have to start somewhere... But I am feeling a little hopeful))

Ah, and today I felt a little warmth in the sun again!! That gives a good feeling to a wintercold human being)) I am so looking forward to spring...

Today I found the café that I want to use as my writing-outside-home place. Well at least when it comes to a place where there is coffee. And when it is not weather to be outside and so on... A really nice, small and cosy place where they have used only recycled things. The tables and chairs and plates is old. I was so happy because I really felt that this could be a place where I could come and write in, and it was quiet there during the most of the time I was there today, and it is nearby where I live too)) Very happy about that. Kafé Torgerstuen it is called and I found a picture of the place too.

To think that January 2008 is already history... I thought at least I'd do something today, so I used my pastels:) My finger is a little sore now.

Hopefully I will take a few steps in the right direction the next months. I was up at 6am this morning so I am sort of very tired right now. I will go to bed in a short while and finish the fourth Harry Potter book))

Looking forward to tomorrow)))

When I sit down to write...

I get all frustrated and the ideas I might have had seems to just slip away from me. I tense up and feel like I am drowning. My thoughts just wander away from everything, and I start fantasizing about things that doesn't remotely come near to the truth. I almost feel like dying sometimes.

I might start the day with thinking that today will be the day when I sit down and start to ponder upon my ideas, write down memories and stories, both fictional and those things I have experienced myself. But I never get around to doing it. I thought that today I would try the exercise from Writing your Way. And so I sit down and try to looked at how it feels like to sit down and write.

One thing I can say it that my thoughts circle around what I cannot seem to get down to doing. Writing. And now painting as well. I wonder why I am like this? Why I have trouble doing things? Why I crumble up inside and freeze up. One thing is to not believe in yourself, but that isn't merely something you cannot get over. It must be something else, but what? Why is it so hard for me to do this. To find the flow, to dare to express my thoughts, feelings and emotions, my ideas. Is it weakness? Or am I that blocked?

I condemn it before I even start, I think. I sit down and before I have even written anything, I tell myself that this is never going to lead anywhere. And that's exactly what happens. I need a totally change of the way I think about me, my life and what I want to do. I am frustrated because I feel like I am throwing away everything on meaningless stuff, stuff that in the end doesn't matter. And someone's way too early death makes me think... Why am I throwing away my time on these petty little thoughts when I can have it all, have all my dreams come true. But that is one thing. I see that I can have it all, but the problem is that I don't know how to get from A to B. And that is why I always run back to A before I have even tried to even see the B. Now this is getting cryptic.

One thing I do notice when I sit down to write, is once that I do it, I feel alot lighter in my body. I love the feel of my fingers flying across the keyboard. I love that I actually can manage to find the words. It lightens up my mind. And I think why don't I do this every single day if it makes me feel so good? And that's where I am lost for words. It is definitely fear. But what am I afraid of? I think again maybe it is because I am so used to feeling like a failure that I couldn't stand feeling like one again, or maybe it is that I am scared of not being one... Finding out that it was a lie all along and I have thrown away some good years on just crap. But then again, would I be who I am today without the darkness? The darkness of the thoughts that I am never going to be good enough. Will that make me appriciate who I will become even more because I know what it means to live without it?

There is always a choice. Maybe it is the easiest thing in the world once you've taken the choice not to be untrue to yourself anymore. Then it seems like idiotcy not to have made that choice a long time ago. But it is so hard to do something when it takes every last bit of energy that I seem to have. But I've got to push myself from now on or someone else will push me in a direction that I might not want to go. And I know that then I will only continue in this vicious circle and never really get out of it before it is too late.

I have to find a way to mend my heart and find a way to my soul. And maybe writing can help me with that and I am very scared of what I'll find so the easiest thing is to become a blocked writer, a blocked artist. And so I sit here, knowing full well what I should do and I don't. Is it any wonder I am frustrated! I go around in these circles, and I never find any end at all... Round and round and round... Frustrating. So when I sit down to write I feel the frustration and I feel like crying and I feel angry at myself for letting everything get to me. I just feel a little hopeful and hopeless at the same time... Confusion and frustration... Walking in limbo...

Just some pictures today... Don't have much to say... Nothing that you haven't heard before...

Footprints

We all want to leave our mark on this earth, like a footprint in the mud. Something that we will be remembered for. But how do we want to do that? How will we achieve it? Who will cry when we die? And why do we want to leave a mark? For our egos sake? Would we still want to leave a mark even though no one would see it? Would it be so important then? If no one knew, only the earth. Where does the need to me noticed come from? Is it the need to be famous and recognized, to be loved by others? Or does it come from a need to know that when we die we leave behind something that matter, something that tells us we mattered? That we did not struggle in vain? Maybe the need to be famous has become a shadowy thing for what we really want and the reasons we are reborn over and over again...

Just some questions I am not capable of answer, just throwing out there...

It's always remarkable how moods can change. One minute you are up the other down. Writing no matter what mood you're in. I should try that some time...

I really don't know what I am waiting for... A little sentimental now... Watched Finding Neverland today... Cried my eyes out at the scenes in the theatre with the children watching the play and getting the adults with them. Genius:) Like Dustin Hoffman says.

It makes me long for the lands of my imagination even more. Just still afraid to jump right into it. But I am not giving up. The day will come when it comes pooring out of me. For now I just have to ponder upon why I can't manage to sit down and write the stories that I know are hiding inside of me. I will keep on searching for that story that just have to be told... I just have to believe...

Now that is hopeful, isn't it?;)

No problems, only challenges

I'm writing a little in the morning! I was up at 8am today. And the first thought on my mind was that I had to look at having little money as a challenge, not a problem. I mean what is the point of wishing for something that I don't have right now. I don't have a lot of money. That's the reality of the here and now. But that doesn't mean that I won't survive.

I have to look at what it is that I really need. Do I need to drink five ice coffees a day? No. Do I need to smoke? Yes, I do. But I don't need to smoke a lot. Instead of thinking that I don't have enough to supply my need, I should look at it as a golden opportunity to smoke less and eventually get rid of my need for them. There is a thing in our society that if you have a lot of money you should spend it on seemingly needless things. We shop till we drop and are in debt. I guess that I can become a stronger person out of this. I don't need two pieces of fish on my plate. So yesterday I took one. That means I still have two pieces left for two days of meals. Every day I can challenge myself to using as little as possible.

I guess I learnt that I can do this. I can survive with little, and that will give me great lessons. I think there is only problems when we look at them as problems. If I transform problems into challenges, it will be a lot easier. I guess that shift will make living more easy. And it will give me an advantage also when I get more money. Because I don't need a lot to survive. And thinking the question: Do I really need this? It will more often get the answer no rather than yes. I think this is a good thing and a great lesson to learn. I can do anything I put my mind to)))

In other words, I feel much better today than a week ago...:)

I am feeling a little bit better now. Once again picking myself up, little by little. I am wondering what I will do different this time... I think that by every time this happens, I get a little bit better at distancing myself. It is what happens when you push a person down long enough.

It gets easier to stand up again, because I am tired of letting her get to me. I am tired of her saying that she loves me unconditionally then says those things to me, that I don't care about her or my grandmother. She says that she is my mother and that she cares about me. But every time she sends me those messages I am thinking that she loves the pain and feeling like crap more than she loves me. Always think she doesn't know any better. I don't think she knows what she does. But even so it doesn't mean that I have to stand for it. I am getting closer to the breaking point.

Well, I am picking myself up again... Little by little... Still hopeful)))

I am Dina

Nicky... again!

New picture))) I have contained myself from taking too many pictures of him... I don't know how healthy it is for Nicky to get flashed every second minute........
But he looked too cute here to miss a picture...

The Flame

I am born into a world of darkness
and I forgot all about the light whence I came.


The flame that shines through the darkness, is the brightest of flames. It may not light up everything around it, but it gives us a point to focus on. And maybe, just maybe we dare to walk forward…

The flame that gives us meaning in what seems like a meaningless world. When everything else fades into the struggles and pain of everything we might feel inside or see around us. It is the flame of curiosity we can behold in the eyes of a child encountering something new.

The flame that I can feel when I am creative. A lovely moment of being completely consumed with what I do and time and space just seems to disappear. It is those moments that fill me with hope, that bring meaning and joy.

The flame is what we feel when we look at someone we love. It ignite us, take fire and burn strong within us.

The flame is our spirit, the soul of what we are. The soul that walks through life in the physical darkness, bearing hope of one day stepping into the circle of enlightenment about the mystery of mysteries, of life and love themselves.

The flame is hopeful
The flame bears the promise of a better day
It keeps darkness away

I made soup today. From scratch:) Scrimp soup... It taste good)))

Other than that it has been a day with me doing nothing at all. Watching some tv and writing a couple of lines. I guess that's how recovery goes. Some days are really productive, others just quiet and uneventful. I can't really say what it is. He he))) The morning pages has become such an intergrated part of me now that I don't even count them. I began this year with a new notebook for my morning pages, and I am doing three pages now))) It feels like it is a little bit more. Or maybe it is just switching to a new notebook... I don't know. It was really hard to do them today.

I have to have the Nicky picture of the day today also:)

The Nicky pictures of the day:)

Not the sharpest picture in the world, but very funny:) Toe-spreading cat

Thought I'd start the first day of this year with my guy:) A camera is a lovely thing:) I can take many many pictures of him)))

We are doing a lot of cleaning today. By now I've had it for today. But it is a good sign that I am actually beginning to think about decorations. Of that walls that is. There is still a lot of sort to be done, but at least I am getting to where I want to be. Going through my stuff is a good symbol for all the hard work I have done inside the past years. The clutter symbolizes all the clutter that I have been carrying for so many years. The old must die to give way to the new. I like that way of thinking. Not knowing what the new is just makes it so much more interesting. In my horoscope for the next year it talked about letting go of my ancient ways of thinking:)

My new year's resolution is just to continue on the path that I have begun now. To take baby steps and to do instead of just thinking about it.

Again: HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! CHEERS!!